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Kevin Bonham
18-02-2012, 07:53 PM
I used to have a photocopy of this mock tract (way back in the 1980s - my father gave it to me), but eventually I lost it. It's taken quite a while to find a full text of it on the internet again but I've now done so. It has been around in various guises since at least the late 1970s, with the dates being changed in various versions over time (I've adapted the dates from those I found online for this one too).


CARROTS KILL

Carrots will kill you!
Every carrot you eat brings you nearer to death. Although leading horticulturalists have long known that DAUCUS CAROTA is a delicious vegetable, the thinking man has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the phrase: “Sure it helps your night vision, but what does it do to your liver?”

Carrots are associated with all the major diseases of the body. Eating them breeds wars and Communism. They can be related to most airline tragedies. Carrots cause auto accidents. There exists a positive relationship between crime waves and consumption of this vegetable.

For example:

1. Nearly all sick people have eaten carrots. The effects are obviously cumulative.

2. 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten carrots.

3. 99.9% of all American soldiers have eaten carrots.

4. 99.9% of all Red sympathizers have eaten carrots.

5. 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate carrots within 60 days preceding the accident.

6. 93.1% of juvenile delinquents come from homes where carrots are served frequently.

Evidence points to the long-term effects of carrot eating:

1. Of the people born in 1889 who later dined on carrots, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

2. All carrot eaters born between 1901 and 1911 have wrinkled skin, have lost most of their teeth, have brittle bones, and failing eyesight, if the ills of eating carrots have not already caused their death.

Even more convincing is the report of a noted team of medical specialists. Rats force-fed with 10kg of carrots per day for 30 days developed bulging abdomens. Their appetites for wholesome food were destroyed.

The only way to avoid the deleterious effects of carrot eating is to change the eating habits. Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has any problems eating orchid petal soup.

The copy I had also had on the bottom "WARNING: This report is not a vicious rumour circulated by the potato growers of Ireland!"

antichrist
18-02-2012, 08:27 PM
KB from abve
2. All carrot eaters born between 1901 and 1911 have wrinkled skin, have lost most of their teeth, have brittle bones, and failing eyesight, if the ills of eating carrots have not already caused their death.

AC
I would not be too sure of this one. My grandfather still had his teeth to the virtually hundred that he lived, and surprising he never owned a toothbrush. He crafted his own toothpicks and that was it - just like in the old country in his day. He would complain about the dentists halitosis??

Kevin Bonham
18-02-2012, 08:53 PM
I wouldn't be too sure either, but it's a parody, the figures are not meant to be exact.

Max Illingworth
18-02-2012, 09:50 PM
'If I were your wife, I would serve you carrots!'

'If I were your husband, I'd eat them.'