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  1. #766
    CC Grandmaster ER's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by machomortensen
    I know a few who would like this one...

    "Please tie the Scouser to my back."
    haha good one!
    ACF 3118316
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    https://aus2020.chesschamp.net/

  2. #767
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    This actually happened at Harvard University in april of this year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

    A young female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you´re saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"

    "That´s correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

    Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn´t it taste sweet?"

    After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl´s face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, or rather implied, she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class...and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the professor´s reply was classic.... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn´t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

  3. #768
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    The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing!

    The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

    During Mass he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
    All the men stood up.

    "No, no," he said, "that wasn´t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.

    "No, no," he said, "that wasn´t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn´t belong to them?" Half the women stood up.

    "No, no," he said, "that wasn´t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock? All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

  4. #769
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    A Gisborne solo mum goes to WINZ to register for child benefit.

    "How many children?" "10".

    "10???" says the WINZ officer.. "What are their names?"

    "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

    "Doesn´t that get confusing?"

    "Naah ..." says the Gisborne irl "its great because if they are out playing
    in the street I just have to shout "WAAYNE, YER DINNER´S READY" or "WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW" and they all do it..."

    "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed WINZ
    officer..

    "That´s easy," says the single mum ... "I just use their surnames"

  5. #770
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    OHHHHHH...

    On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.

    "Top of the mornin´ to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

    "What are those?" asks the attendant.

    "They´re called tees," replies Tiger.

    "Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

    "They´re for resting my balls on when I´m driving," says Tiger.

    "Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

  6. #771
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    A magician worked on a cruise ship.The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again There was only one problem: the captain´s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

    Look, it´s not the same hat!" or "Look, he´s hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn´t do anything. It was, after all, the captain´s parrot.

    Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it... the parrot.

    They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days... and then 3 days...

    Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said......

    "OK, I give up. Where´s the f*cking ship?"

  7. #772
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    DID THEY REALLY SAY SO??


    "I´m rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?"
    -Detroit Tiger Lou Whitaker, arriving in a stretch limo for a players´ union meeting during the 1994 baseball strike.

    "I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
    -Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf

    "There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, ´You never know.´"
    -Pitcher Joaquin Andujar

    "He´s the about the size of a lot of guys that size."
    -Offensive coordinator Gary Crowton, on QB Cade McNown

    "It´s almost like we have ESPN."
    -Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together

    "Tom."
    -Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA´s Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name, 1966

    "Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good."
    -Tom Watt, ex-Maple Leaves coach (his team was not so good)

    "I´m glad you´re doing this story on us and not on the WNBA. We´re so much prettier than all the other women in sports."
    -Martina Hingis in Detour Magazine, 3/98 issue.

    "He´s a guy who gets up at six o´clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
    -Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota, 1996.

    "He (Julio Cesar Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he´s bilingual, too."
    -Don King, boxing promoter.

    "Then I was skinnier. I hit it better, I putted better, and I could see better. Other than that, everything is the same."
    -PGA Senior Tour player Homero Blancas.

    "It´s basically the same, just darker."
    -Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons, 1991

    "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
    -Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator

  8. #773
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    PURE DOCUMENTARY...

    A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up
    and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant
    watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde
    passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit
    in the back. The blonde replies "I´m blonde, I´m beautiful, I´m going to
    Melbourne and I´m staying right here!"
    The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
    co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that
    belongs in Economy and won´t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back
    to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy
    she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and
    return to her original seat. The blonde replies, "I´m blonde, I´m
    beautiful, I´m going to Melbourne and I´m staying right here!"
    Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
    probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
    blonde woman that won´t listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she´s
    blonde? I´ll handle this, I´m married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"
    He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I´m
    sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy
    section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what
    he said to make her move without any fuss. The Pilot replied I told her
    First Class isn´t going to Melbourne".

  9. #774
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    BLONDES...

    Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana.
    The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
    The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn´t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
    She decided to go up and investigate.
    When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
    The brunette asked, "What the heck´s going on up here? We´re having a great time downstairs!"
    One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH, BUT YOU´VE GOT A DRIVER!

  10. #775
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    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon.
    As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

    While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."

    The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict´s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her.

    Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you´re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

    The drunk replied, "Cos you´re ugly."

  11. #776
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    UPS...


    It´s Saturday morning and Bob´s just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
    "Hello?" says a little girl´s voice.

    "Hi, honey, it´s Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

    "No, Daddy. She´s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

    After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven´t got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

    "Yes, I do, and he´s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

    "Okay, then. Here´s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car´s just pulled up outside the house."

    "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

    "And what happened?"

    "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she´s all dead."

    "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

    "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he´s dead too."

    There is a long pause.

    "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039

  12. #777
    CC Grandmaster Adamski's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by machomortensen
    PURE DOCUMENTARY...

    [overquoting snipped-mod].
    That one is a good laugh, Henrik!
    Last edited by Kevin Bonham; 26-05-2013 at 12:59 PM.
    God exists. Short and to the point.

    Secretary of, and regularly arbiter at, Rooty Hill RSL Chess Club. See www.rootyhillchessclub.org.

    Psephological insight. "Controversial will only lose you votes. Courageous will lose you the election." Sir Humphrey Appleby on Yes Minister.

    Favorite movie line: Girl friend Cathy to Jack Ryan in "Sum of all Fears". "What kind of emergency does an historian have?".

  13. #778
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    Three sons left home and prospered in life. When getting back together they discussed their success and the great gifts they were able to buy their elderly mother.

    “The first son said, “I sent mom a Mercedes.”

    The second son said, “I bought mom a mansion.”

    The third son smirked and said, “I’ve got you both BEAT! Remember how mom liked reading the Bible when we were young? And you know she can’t see very well anymore?… Well, I sent her an AMAZING parrot that recites the ENTIRE Bible! It took elders in the church 12 years to teach this parrot. He’s one of a kind!! Mom now just has to name the verse and BAM… the parrot recites it!”

    Soon after this meeting of the sons, mom sent out her thank you letters.

    “Andy,” she wrote, “the house you built is so big and even though I live in one room, I still have to clean the whole house.”

    “John,” she wrote, “I am too old to travel and spend most of my time at home, so I never use the Mercedes.

    “Mark,” she wrote to her third son, “You are my favorite son. You have such good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was simply delicious!!”
    So what's your excuse? To run like the devil's chasing you.

    See you in another life, brotha.

  14. #779
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    BLONDES...

    Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y´all want to be cops, huh?"
    The blondes all nodded.
    The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."
    So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now,” he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
    The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It´s a profile of his face! You´re dismissed!"
    The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
    The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
    "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn´t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man´s face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You´re excused also!"
    The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
    The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but.." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right,
    did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
    The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
    The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You´re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
    The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, DUH! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can´t wear glasses!"

  15. #780
    CC Grandmaster Adamski's Avatar
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    The last 2 jokes are pretty funny, especially RR's.
    God exists. Short and to the point.

    Secretary of, and regularly arbiter at, Rooty Hill RSL Chess Club. See www.rootyhillchessclub.org.

    Psephological insight. "Controversial will only lose you votes. Courageous will lose you the election." Sir Humphrey Appleby on Yes Minister.

    Favorite movie line: Girl friend Cathy to Jack Ryan in "Sum of all Fears". "What kind of emergency does an historian have?".

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