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  1. #61
    CC International Master
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    Shortest Fairy Tale Ever!

    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" So the guy went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot, drank beer and farted whenever he wanted and lived happily ever after.


    THE END
    No this is silly, the whole premise is silly and very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I've not had a funny line yet so I'm stopping it.

    Sydney International Open

    Parramatta Chess Club

    Manchester United - In decline since 92!

  2. #62
    CC International Master
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    A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an
    incredible set of assets. He says, "Give me two pickets to
    Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh."

    He's really embarrassed, so the guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make
    Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I
    meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally
    said, 'You bloody b****, you wrecked my life.'"
    No this is silly, the whole premise is silly and very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I've not had a funny line yet so I'm stopping it.

    Sydney International Open

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    Manchester United - In decline since 92!

  3. #63
    CC Grandmaster Alan Shore's Avatar
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    Things we all would like to say at work, but can't.

    1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

    2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

    3. How about never? Is never good for you?

    4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
    public.

    5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
    way.

    6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

    7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message..

    8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

    9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

    10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

    11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

    12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

    13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

    14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

    15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

    16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
    view.

    17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

    18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

    19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

    20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

    21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

    22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

    23. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?

    24. Do I look like a people person?

    25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

    26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

    27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

    28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

    29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

    30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

    31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

    32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

    33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

    34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

    35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

    36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

    37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

    38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay cheques.
    "I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
    - White Queen, Alice through the Looking-Glass

  4. #64
    CC Grandmaster Alan Shore's Avatar
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    A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders six shots of vodka.
    The bartender asks the man, "Have a rough day?"
    The man replies, "Yeah, I found out my younger brother was gay!"
    The bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful."
    The man downs the shots and leaves.
    The very next day the same man comes back into the bar and orders six more
    shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, "What's wrong today?"
    The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay."
    Bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible."
    The man downs his shots and leaves.
    The man returns again on the third day and again orders six shots of
    vodka. Bartender asks the man, "Another rough day?"
    The man says, "Yeah."
    The bartender asks the man, "Does anyone in your family like women??"
    The man says, "Yeah, my wife."
    "I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
    - White Queen, Alice through the Looking-Glass

  5. #65
    CC International Master Carl Gorka's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bergil
    A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an
    incredible set of assets. He says, "Give me two pickets to
    Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh."
    Reminds me of the bloke walking home when it's raining heavily. He decides to stop in a pub, ges in, goes up to the bar and says to the barmaid "Tickle your arse with a feather"
    She looks up sharply and says "What was that?"
    He says, "Particularly nasty weather....could I have a beer please?"

    The barmaid's satisfied she's misheard and goes to pour the drink. An old guy at the bar says "that was great...bloody funny....wish I had the nerve to to something like that?" The guy says, "well, try it....there's a pub across the road". The old guy thinks for a second and downs his drink, puts his coat on and walks out into the rain, crosses the road, walks into the other pub and goes up to the bar. "Can I help you?" says the barmaid.

    "Stick a feather up your arse" the old guy says.
    "What was that?" the barmaid angrily retorts.
    "It's bloody chucking it down outside"
    I've never been so broke that I couldn't leave town

    I'm trying out a new blog site...
    http://gorkachc.blogspot.com/

    Victorian Team Championships

  6. #66
    CC International Master
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    The Truth !

    Two Irishmen, Pat and Mike, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
    dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the
    boat's provisions, Pat stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that
    a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To their amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

    Without giving much thought to the matter, Pat blurted out, "Make the
    entire ocean into beer!"

    The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
    entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

    Mike looked disgustedly at Pat whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension- filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Pat! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
    No this is silly, the whole premise is silly and very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I've not had a funny line yet so I'm stopping it.

    Sydney International Open

    Parramatta Chess Club

    Manchester United - In decline since 92!

  7. #67
    CC Candidate Master
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    There was three ladies about to be executed by a firing range. A blonde, brunette and a red head. The red head goes infront of the firing squad and the leader says, "Any last words?" The lady shouts "arghhhh flood!" The whole squadron starts to panick and look for places to hide while doing that the red head escapes. then the brunette somes up. Again the leader asks "Any last words?" The lady shouts "Hurricane!!!" again panick sweeps throught the squadron and during the comotion the brunette escapes. Finally it is the blondes turn. Again the leader asks "Any last words?" Instinctively the Blonde shouts out "FIRE!!!"
    If what i have said has offended you, have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself. Am I old enough to drink?

  8. #68
    CC FIDE Master Dozy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bergil
    The Truth !

    Two Irishmen, Pat and Mike, were adrift in a lifeboat . . .
    Just as long as you brought up the subject, mate...

    The magician who'd been entertaining on the Titanic drifted in a lifeboat with no companion but the parrot he used as part of his act.

    For two days they just stared at each other in silence until finally the parrot said, "OK, I give up. What did you do with the boat?"
    Visit my chess blog: http://blog.chess.com/Dozy

  9. #69
    CC Grandmaster Alan Shore's Avatar
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    Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations.

    The only question asked was:
    "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
    to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

    The survey was a huge failure:
    In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant...
    In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant...
    In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant...
    In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant...
    In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant...
    In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant...
    And in the USA they didn't know what 'rest of the world' meant.
    "I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
    - White Queen, Alice through the Looking-Glass

  10. #70
    CC International Master
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    A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the
    TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer and a whiskey chaser before it starts!"

    She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer and whiskey chaser. When he finished them, he said,

    "Quick, bring me another beer and whiskey chaser. "It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer and whiskey.

    When they was gone, he said, "Quick, another beerand whiskey chaser before it starts."

    "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop
    your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run
    around like your slave for you.

    Don't you realize that I cook, clean and wash and iron all day long?"

    The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it started !!!!!
    No this is silly, the whole premise is silly and very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I've not had a funny line yet so I'm stopping it.

    Sydney International Open

    Parramatta Chess Club

    Manchester United - In decline since 92!

  11. #71
    CC resident nutcase Trent Parker's Avatar
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    CV Mistakes and oddities


    "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
    "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
    "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
    "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
    "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
    "I am a rabid typist."
    "Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
    "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
    "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
    "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
    "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
    "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
    "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
    "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
    "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
    "I procrastinate-especially when the task is unpleasant."
    "I am loyal to my employer at all costs .Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
    "Qualifications: No education or experience."
    "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
    "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
    "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
    Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
    GO THE DRAGONS!
    GO Western Sydney Wanderers!
    Quote Originally Posted by Adamski's signature
    God exists. Short and to the point.
    This is the reason I do not wade into religion threads.

  12. #72

  13. #73
    CC Grandmaster Alan Shore's Avatar
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    ROFL!!!!

    Best. Video. Ever.
    "I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
    - White Queen, Alice through the Looking-Glass

  14. #74
    CC International Master
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    Oh dear...

    How not to make a good impression:

    http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1754

    That ad is soooooo unfair!
    Last edited by Lucena; 28-10-2005 at 02:59 PM.

  15. #75
    CC International Master Bereaved's Avatar
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    Bad Boy George!!

    At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was
    stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to
    a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

    They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central
    London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched
    to six magnificent white horses.

    As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their
    side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining
    the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious
    display of pageantry and dignity.

    Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse
    let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting
    blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with
    noxious fumes.

    Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries
    did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the
    Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to
    handle a most embarrassing situation.

    She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please
    accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some
    things even a Queen cannot control."

    George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty,
    please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you
    hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the
    horses."


    Take care and God Bless, Macavity

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