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  1. #46
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    No offence to blondes

    How Many Blondes does it take to milk a cow?

    11, 1 to hold the udder and 10 to lift the cow up and down
    If what i have said has offended you, have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself. Am I old enough to drink?

  2. #47
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    One day a little boy goes up to his mother and says "mother, why is my younger sister called moon child?" A little startled his mother relied "Well, um thats because she was conceived under a full moon." Thinking about what his mother just said he had another question "mother, why is my older sister called Daisy?" trying to cut the conversation to an end shortly she replied "Because she was born in a daisy field" The little boy taking this all in says "Ok" The mother a little puzzled about the conversation asked the boy "Why do you ask Broken Rubber?
    If what i have said has offended you, have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself. Am I old enough to drink?

  3. #48
    CC Grandmaster antichrist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Belthasar
    I will take this picture as being dedicated to myself re Antichrist the francophobe - split from World Junior Thread. Cop that RW!

    May God bless the Vichey regime that rounded up the Jews for Hitler.
    Last edited by antichrist; 23-10-2005 at 09:03 PM.

  4. #49
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    The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists... two men and a woman.
    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
    The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
    Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband.
    She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
    "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
    No this is silly, the whole premise is silly and very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I've not had a funny line yet so I'm stopping it.

    Sydney International Open

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  5. #50
    Reader in Slood Dynamics Rincewind's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by antichrist
    I will take this picture as being dedicated to myself...
    Why is it always about you, AC?
    So einfach wie möglich, aber nicht einfacher - Albert Einstein

  6. #51
    CC Grandmaster antichrist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rincewind
    Why is it always about you, AC?
    You can't begrudge that one, it fits: Antichrist the francophobe - split from World Junior Thread like a tee. May God bless Belthasar for supporting the cause.

    You were a loser in that thread and a loser again now. Suffer little losers to come unto me.

    Why is it always about rwosers?
    Last edited by antichrist; 24-10-2005 at 02:55 PM.

  7. #52
    Reader in Slood Dynamics Rincewind's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by antichrist
    You can't begrudge that one, it fits: Antichrist the francophobe - split from World Junior Thread like a tee.
    So einfach wie möglich, aber nicht einfacher - Albert Einstein

  8. #53
    CC International Master
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    Can you put a name to some of these facts?

    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
    (Now that's more like it!)

    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
    (O.M.G.!)

    A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
    (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
    (I'm still not over the pig.)

    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
    (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head ! off.
    ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
    (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
    (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

    Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
    (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

    Butterflies taste with their feet.
    (Something I always wanted to know.)

    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
    (Hmmmmmm........)

    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
    (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

    A cat's urine glows under a black light.
    (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
    (I know some people on here like that!)


    Starfish have no brains.
    (I know some people on here like that also.)

    Polar bears are left-handed.
    (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
    (What about that pig??)
    No this is silly, the whole premise is silly and very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I've not had a funny line yet so I'm stopping it.

    Sydney International Open

    Parramatta Chess Club

    Manchester United - In decline since 92!

  9. #54
    CC Grandmaster antichrist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bergil
    Can you put a name to some of these facts?

    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
    (Now that's more like it!)

    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
    (O.M.G.!)

    A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
    (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
    (I'm still not over the pig.)

    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
    (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head ! off.
    ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
    (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
    (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

    Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
    (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

    Butterflies taste with their feet.
    (Something I always wanted to know.)

    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
    (Hmmmmmm........)

    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
    (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

    A cat's urine glows under a black light.
    (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
    (I know some people on here like that!)


    Starfish have no brains.
    (I know some people on here like that also.)

    Polar bears are left-handed.
    (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
    (What about that pig??)
    And of course this is only an extremely tiny example of nature. Now a question for those who don't accept evolution - why would God go to the trouble of making the billions of individual characteristics found in nature???

    Also ask why God made snakes, spiders, mozzies, leeches, ticks etc. that torment man? All because man ate a stupid apple - it is the believers who are stupid!!!!!!!!!

    Religion is the biggest joke ever.
    God bless Macavity and Frosty - the fools.
    Last edited by antichrist; 24-10-2005 at 06:02 PM.

  10. #55
    CC Candidate Master pballard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bergil
    Can you put a name to some of these facts?
    I can name several of them "crap".

  11. #56
    CC International Master
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    Quote Originally Posted by bergil
    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
    almost: http://www.snopes.com/critters/wild/pleasure.htm

  12. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by bergil

    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head ! off.
    just spotted this one: http://www.snopes.com/critters/wild/mantis1.htm

  13. #58
    Account Permanently Banned PHAT's Avatar
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    Not a "joke" but worth the read.

    Click here.

  14. #59
    CC International Master Bereaved's Avatar
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    those wacky irish!

    It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the channel are
    about to be guillotined. "Do you wan't to be beheaded on your back or your
    front?" The executioner asked Smith.

    "On my back," said Smith. "I'm not afraid of death." So Smith was laid on
    his back under the blade. The executioner pulled the lever. Schlick... and
    the blade jammed. Smith was reprieved because no man can be sentenced to
    death twice.

    Hoskins was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed,
    and Hoskins was reprieved.

    Murphy was third. "Back or front?" "If it's good enough for Smith and
    Hoskins, it's good enough for me," and so Murphy was laid on his back under
    the blade.

    "Begorrah!" Murphy suddenly exclaimed. "Just a minute. I think I can see
    why it jams."

    Take care and God Bless, Macavity

    PS this one was courtesy of Don Maciulaitis

  15. #60
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    There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.

    So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
    Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.

    OK, says the guy.

    He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie who says,
    You have one wish.

    The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

    He tells the barman,
    Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.

    The barman replies, You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?
    No this is silly, the whole premise is silly and very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I've not had a funny line yet so I'm stopping it.

    Sydney International Open

    Parramatta Chess Club

    Manchester United - In decline since 92!

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