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  1. #31
    CC FIDE Master Dozy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bergil
    "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
    Not nice, Mr Bergil, but as long as you brought up the subject...

    Salvador Dali, late in life, became alarmed that his eyesight was failing and went to see a leading ophthalmologist who examined him, diagnosed a glaucoma, and immediately operated, thus saving the great man's sight.

    Dali was so relieved that he not only paid the exorbitant fee but painted a portrait of the doctor and presented it to him with a flourish.

    The doctor was a little startled to see it was a perfect likeness of himself set against the background of an enormous eye.

    "What do you think?" said Dali.

    "I think," said the bemused opthalmologist, "that I'm glad I'm not a proctologist."
    Visit my chess blog: http://blog.chess.com/Dozy

  2. #32
    CC International Master
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    No this is silly, the whole premise is silly and very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I've not had a funny line yet so I'm stopping it.

    Sydney International Open

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  3. #33
    CC Grandmaster Alan Shore's Avatar
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    A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding
    hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently,
    then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your
    thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
    The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
    Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
    Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
    thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
    The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then
    he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
    After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand
    on yer leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
    Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch
    before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said,
    "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl
    in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The
    girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in
    anticipation of the ultimate request.

    And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three
    pennies?"
    "I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
    - White Queen, Alice through the Looking-Glass

  4. #34
    CC Grandmaster Alan Shore's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by the chess nut
    How many frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

    Dunno it hasn't been done yet.
    "I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
    - White Queen, Alice through the Looking-Glass

  5. #35
    Account Permanently Banned PHAT's Avatar
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    After reading some of the jokes here I reckon I can get away with the full version of a lymrich that I partly posted earlier, somewhere.

    There once was a rabi called Keith,
    Who curcumcised boys with his teeth.
    Not sexual excitement,
    But this the indictment -
    To get at the cheese underniether.

  6. #36
    CC International Master Bereaved's Avatar
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    one I like

    Hello everyone,

    I don't know who is responsible for this one, but I like it.

    As Titian was mixing rose madder,
    His model was climbing a ladder,
    Her position to Titian,
    Suggested coition,
    So he climbed up the ladder, and 'ad her!!

    Take care and God Bless, Macavity

  7. #37
    CC International Master Bereaved's Avatar
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    Two men are washed up on a deserted island after a ship wreck.
    The first turns to the second and says,

    "Seeing as we may not get rescued for quite some time, we may as well have a conversation"

    "Fine, what would you like to talk about?"

    "Nuclear Physics"

    "Ok, fair enough; but let me ask you this first: A Cow eats grass and leaves a round patty on the ground, A sheep eats grass and leaves little dollops on the ground and a rabbit eats grass and leaves little pellets on the ground. Can you tell me why it is so?"

    "No, not really..I have no idea"

    "Mate you want to talk Nuclear physics??!! You don't know S#!t!!"

    Take care and God Bless, Macavity

  8. #38
    CC International Master Bereaved's Avatar
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    one more ( maybe two)

    Hamish leaves the pub late at night, very heavy with grog. After walking towards his house for what seems like forever, he decides to rest for a 'wee moment' against a wall on the outskirts of town and is asleep in seconds.

    Two Norwegian tourist girls are also returning from the pub, and come across Hamish sprawled on the ground. Seeing Hamish was wearing a kilt, they began giggling, and speaking in unquiet whispers..

    "Did you hear the stories about what's under their kilts?"

    "Ya, shall we look?"

    As quietly as possible ( not very really ), they bend down and lift the kilt, turn to each other and smile.

    " The stories are all true!"

    Then the other turns and says "We must reward him for this knowledge" and so she takes a blue ribbon from her hair, ties it around the end of his ding dong, and they head off on their way, leaving the still slumbering Hamish.


    Dawn's light brings a burning to Hamish' eyes, and he groggily sits up, but only for a moment. The night's drinking sends him bolting into a nearby clump of bushes to relieve his swollen bladder.

    He lifts his kilt, lets the stream flow, gives an immense sigh of relief, goes to lower his kilt........and stops when he sees he has a ribbon attached below.

    He looks left.

    He looks right.

    He looks all around.

    He looks down and says


    "I don't know where ye been laddie, but it seems ye got first prize again!!"

    Take care and God Bless, Macavity

  9. #39
    CC International Master Bereaved's Avatar
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    A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the
    hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies,
    "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't
    charge you anything, it's on the house"

    The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and leaves.

    When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
    magic, he finds 2 gold coins on his doorstep.

    Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon
    for shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You
    don't have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of
    the people, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house."

    The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him.

    When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
    magic, he finds 12 diamonds on his doorstep.

    The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a
    haircut. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No, Rabbi, I couldn't
    ask you to pay anything, it's on the house, you are a learned and wise man,
    go in peace." The Rabbi blesses him and leaves.

    When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
    magic, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.

    Take care all and God Bless, Macavity

  10. #40
    CC International Master
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    A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on
    the subject and finally getting all the necessary tools
    together, she made for the ice.

    After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make
    a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice
    boomed,

    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

    Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a
    thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
    Again from the heaven the voice bellowed,

    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

    The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the
    opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and
    tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more,

    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

    She stopped, looked skyward, and said,

    "IS THAT YOU LORD?" The voice replied,

    "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE HOCKEY RINK."
    No this is silly, the whole premise is silly and very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I've not had a funny line yet so I'm stopping it.

    Sydney International Open

    Parramatta Chess Club

    Manchester United - In decline since 92!

  11. #41
    CC International Master
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    Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
    God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

    Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

    "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth,
    "For example, Southern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while
    Northern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

    God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth.

    There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line.

    The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What
    about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the obnoxious loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."
    No this is silly, the whole premise is silly and very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I've not had a funny line yet so I'm stopping it.

    Sydney International Open

    Parramatta Chess Club

    Manchester United - In decline since 92!

  12. #42
    CC International Master
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    An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
    "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
    "Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live alone
    by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young
    woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. So of course, I went and
    cut her free and took her back to my place.

    Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!

    We made love all night, in the bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom,
    all over the house.We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top,
    like doggies, every position imaginable!"
    Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard. Was she pretty?"
    "Dunno... never found the head."
    No this is silly, the whole premise is silly and very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I've not had a funny line yet so I'm stopping it.

    Sydney International Open

    Parramatta Chess Club

    Manchester United - In decline since 92!

  13. #43
    CC International Master four four two's Avatar
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    Sick, but funny.

    Its that kind of morning...

  14. #44
    CC International Master
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    A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on South Philly Tony.

    He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

    The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

    Then South Philly Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

    To which South Philly Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring,' but I like your thinking."
    No this is silly, the whole premise is silly and very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I've not had a funny line yet so I'm stopping it.

    Sydney International Open

    Parramatta Chess Club

    Manchester United - In decline since 92!

  15. #45
    CC Candidate Master
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    Please be advised children under the age of 35 are prohibited from seeing this series of comical words.

    Once apon a time on the Ocean was a ship. One night disaster struck and the ship was destryoed by a series of icebergs, storms and a anvil. There was only three survivors and they eventually got washed up on a unchartered island. Of the three survivors were two attractive men and one attractive female. After a while on the island. "Natural things" happened. And the lady felt bad about sleeping with two men so she killed herself. So left was the two lonely men. And so after a while "Natural things" happened and after a while the two men felt guilty about this. So they decided to burythe ladys body.
    If what i have said has offended you, have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself. Am I old enough to drink?

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