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  1. #16
    CC Candidate Master
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    lol
    If what i have said has offended you, have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself. Am I old enough to drink?

  2. #17
    CC FIDE Master Dozy's Avatar
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    English scriptwriter Frank Muir was addressing the National Press Club Luncheon when he visited Oz away back when, and one of the journos asked him to tell his favourite joke.

    He said a man was in bed in a hospital private ward waiting for an operation when there was a knock at the door and he said, "Come in."
    A pretty young nurse came in and said, "I've come to prep you for the operation. If you have any questions I'll answer them when I finish."
    She stripped him, shaved his private parts, rolled him over and took his temperature with an anal thermometer and dressed him in one of those dreadful hospital gowns that open down the back.
    Then she put him in a wheelchair to take him to the theatre and said brightly, "Now, are there any questions?"
    "Just one," he said. "Why did you knock?"
    Visit my chess blog: http://blog.chess.com/Dozy

  3. #18
    CC Candidate Master BFG's Avatar
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    Texas Surgeons

    Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

    One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

    One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

    The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a guy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's arse and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

  4. #19
    CC Grandmaster Alan Shore's Avatar
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    THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK...

    Indubitably
    Innovative
    Preliminary
    Proliferation
    Cinnamon

    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

    Specificity
    British Constitution
    Passive-aggressive disorder
    Loquacious Transubstantiate

    THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

    Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
    Nope, no more booze for me
    Sorry, but you're not really my type
    Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
    Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
    "I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
    - White Queen, Alice through the Looking-Glass

  5. #20
    CC International Master
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    How to identify if your cow has mad cow disease:

    http://viswiz.imk.fraunhofer.de/~ste...cow/madcow.htm

  6. #21
    CC Candidate Master
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    Ok things have been going a little slow these past 24 hours so i am going to have an imput now.
    Here is a warm up to make you smile.

    A couple years ago... the ignorant but rich US public elected Bill Clinton. One day President Clinton was in Air force one with his wife Hilary his daughter Chelsea and his vice president Al Gore.
    Air force one was flying over the US and Bill Clinton was getting bored so he said to the others, "If i drop a hundred dollar bill out the window I can make one person happy." Then Al Gore replies "If i drop ten 10dollar bills out the window then i can make 10 people happy." Clinton's wife laughs and replies " If i drop 100 one dollar bills out the window i can make 100 people happy" Chelsea shakes her head and replies "If i throw all three of you out the window i can make the whole world happy!
    If what i have said has offended you, have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself. Am I old enough to drink?

  7. #22
    CC Candidate Master
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    Some random site
    people should be like this
    http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html
    If what i have said has offended you, have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself. Am I old enough to drink?

  8. #23
    CC Candidate Master
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    A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man.
    The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

    The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.

    Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

    Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."
    If what i have said has offended you, have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself. Am I old enough to drink?

  9. #24
    CC Candidate Master
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    Stupid things you find on labels

    ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
    Warning keep out of children.
    ON A HAIR DRYER:
    Do not use while sleeping.
    ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
    You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
    ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
    Directions: Use like regular soap.
    ON A FROZEN DINNER:
    Serving suggestion: Defrost.
    ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
    Fits one head.
    ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
    Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
    ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
    Product will be hot after heating.
    ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
    Do not iron clothes on body.
    ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
    Do not drive car or operate machinery.
    ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
    Warning: may cause drowsiness.

    ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
    For indoor or outdoor use only.
    ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
    Not to be used for the other use.
    ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
    Warning: contains nuts.
    ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
    Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
    ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
    Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
    If what i have said has offended you, have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself. Am I old enough to drink?

  10. #25
    CC FIDE Master Dozy's Avatar
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    True story:
    In the 80s a Melbourne judge created a furore when he gave a man a lenient sentence for raping a woman who admitted being a prostitute. There was a lot of debate and the Sydney Morning Herald ran a whole series of letters-to-the-editor about it. Eventually the editor said, "This is the last letter we're going to publish on this subject," and concluded the series with a letter from a Sydney woman who said, "This man took without payment something this woman was willing to sell. He should have been charged with shoplifting."


    So here's one about pros:

    Three guys are looking for a collective noun to describe a group of working girls offering their wares on a street corner.
    The first liked a jam of tarts
    The second preferred a fanfare of strumpets
    But the third said they were an anthology of pros...
    Visit my chess blog: http://blog.chess.com/Dozy

  11. #26
    Reader in Slood Dynamics Rincewind's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dozy
    So here's one about pros:

    Three guys are looking for a collective noun to describe a group of working girls offering their wares on a street corner.
    The first liked a jam of tarts
    The second preferred a fanfare of strumpets
    But the third said they were an anthology of pros...
    How about a carousel of baggage?
    So einfach wie möglich, aber nicht einfacher - Albert Einstein

  12. #27
    CC FIDE Master Dozy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rincewind
    How about a carousel of baggage?
    Clever!
    Visit my chess blog: http://blog.chess.com/Dozy

  13. #28
    CC resident nutcase Trent Parker's Avatar
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    How many frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

    Dunno it hasn't been done yet.
    ------------------------------------------------------

    Three bikees die and rock up to the pearly gates.

    St Peter says: I'll let you into heaven if you give me something to do with christmas.

    1st bikee gives ST Peter a piece of tinsel. St peter lets him in
    2nd bikee gives St peter a Santa Decoration.

    The third bikee searches himself and his bike and finds nothing.

    St Peter says i can't let you in unless you give me something to do with Christmas.

    The third bikee has another look and hads St Peters a pair of womens underwear.

    St Peter says "How do these relate to christmas?"

    Third Bikee says "Oh, Their Carol's
    GO THE DRAGONS!
    GO Western Sydney Wanderers!
    Quote Originally Posted by Adamski's signature
    God exists. Short and to the point.
    This is the reason I do not wade into religion threads.

  14. #29
    CC International Master
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    A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home
    because she is not feeling well.

    "What's the matter?" he asks.

    "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

    "What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

    "I can't see my ass coming into work today."
    No this is silly, the whole premise is silly and very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I've not had a funny line yet so I'm stopping it.

    Sydney International Open

    Parramatta Chess Club

    Manchester United - In decline since 92!

  15. #30
    CC International Master
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    Women's Ages:

    Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa...
    virgin and unexplored.

    Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia...
    hot and exotic.

    Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America...
    fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful,
    and free with her resources.

    Between the ages of 46 and 58, she is like Europe...
    exhausted, but still has many points of interest.

    After 58 she is like New Zealand...
    everybody knows it's down there,
    but who gives a damn!
    No this is silly, the whole premise is silly and very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I've not had a funny line yet so I'm stopping it.

    Sydney International Open

    Parramatta Chess Club

    Manchester United - In decline since 92!

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