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  1. #166
    CC International Master WhiteElephant's Avatar
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    Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what,"

    says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar."

    "What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

    "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."

    "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

    "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

    "Really? You've got a new laptop?"

  2. #167
    CC Grandmaster Basil's Avatar
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    Paying $3 HCD's right there, folks.
    There is no cure for leftism. Its infestation of the host mostly diminishes with age except in the most rabid of specimens.

  3. #168
    CC FIDE Master Dozy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WhiteElephant
    Two IT guys were talking in a bar . . .
    Very neat, WE. Kinda subtle.

    The same IT guy had a poster in his flat that said:

    There are only 10 kinds of people in the world -- those who understand binary and those who don't...
    Visit my chess blog: http://blog.chess.com/Dozy

  4. #169
    CC Grandmaster
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    marriage jokes

    Received email yersterday, some of them hard to resist:


    1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. A LIFE sentence!

    2. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

    3. Son: "How much does it cost to get married, Dad?"

    Father: "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."

    4. Son: "Is it true, Dad, that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

    Father: "That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!"

    5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is. (it's an old one, but I can't resist keep quoting it to my wife each when...)
    6. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

    7. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    8. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, the love of a beautiful woman, then...POW! It was all gone."

    "What happened?," asked his friend.

    He answered: "My wife found out."

    9. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: "Aren't you wearing your ring on the wrong finger?"

    The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.

    The last two I liked the most:

    10. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

    11. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

  5. #170
    CC Grandmaster Desmond's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dozy
    Very neat, WE. Kinda subtle.

    The same IT guy had a poster in his flat that said:

    There are only 10 kinds of people in the world -- those who understand binary and those who don't...
    Yes, and his doormat said "Welcome to my humble 127.0.0.1"

  6. #171
    CC Grandmaster Basil's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Boris
    Yes, and his doormat said "Welcome to my humble 127.0.0.1"
    Paying $10 HCDs right there, folks!
    There is no cure for leftism. Its infestation of the host mostly diminishes with age except in the most rabid of specimens.

  7. #172
    CC FIDE Master Dozy's Avatar
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    Young guy gets his first break in the movies and rushes home to tell his flat mate about it.

    "Great," said his friend, "what's the role?"

    "I'm playing the husband of a feminist."

    "What a shame you didn't get a speaking part."
    Visit my chess blog: http://blog.chess.com/Dozy

  8. #173
    CC Grandmaster Basil's Avatar
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    Paying $15 HCDs right there, folks!
    There is no cure for leftism. Its infestation of the host mostly diminishes with age except in the most rabid of specimens.

  9. #174
    CC International Master Bereaved's Avatar
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    Disclaimer: All humour contains wrongness; I'm sure that you understand

    World Cup match report - Australia vs. Brazil

    It is just before the Australia vs. Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the
    Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
    "What's up?" he asks.

    "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's
    important but it's only Australia. They're just hopeless and we can't be
    bothered."

    Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by
    myself - you lads go down the pub."

    So Ronaldinho goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the
    Brazilian team go off for a few pots.
    After a few drinks they wonder how the game is going, so they get the
    publican to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil
    1 - Australia 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating Australia all by
    himself!

    Anyway, a few drinks later and the game is forgotten until someone
    remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put
    the TV on.

    "Result from the Stadium .... "Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - Australia
    1 (Viduka 89 minutes)."
    They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against Australia!!

    They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in
    the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.
    He refuses to look at them but says....... "I've let you down, I've let you
    down."

    "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they
    only scored at the very, very end!"

    "No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."


    Take care and God Bless, Macavity

  10. #175
    CC International Master Bereaved's Avatar
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    more wrongness

    A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed him
    out of ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the
    Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

    The Godfather asks the underling, "Where is the 10 million bucks you
    embezzled from me?"

    The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 10
    million dollars is hidden.

    The underling signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

    The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're
    talking about."

    That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
    underling's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"

    The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you
    don't tell him!"

    The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
    briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

    The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

    The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
    trigger."


    Take care and God Bless, Macavity

  11. #176
    CC Grandmaster Basil's Avatar
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    Paying $50HCDs, right there, folks!
    There is no cure for leftism. Its infestation of the host mostly diminishes with age except in the most rabid of specimens.

  12. #177
    Reader in Slood Dynamics Rincewind's Avatar
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    A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the airport sirens rang out. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.

    He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would-be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now! Hurry!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple Pole in a complex plane."
    So einfach wie möglich, aber nicht einfacher - Albert Einstein

  13. #178
    Account Permanently Banned PHAT's Avatar
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    Kevin Bonham

  14. #179
    CC Grandmaster Desmond's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PHAT
    Kevin Bonham
    ROFL - nothing personal Kevin, but you have to pay that one for its "the simple things in life are often the best" factor.
    So what's your excuse? To run like the devil's chasing you.

    See you in another life, brotha.

  15. #180
    Reader in Slood Dynamics Rincewind's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Boris
    ROFL - nothing personal Kevin, but you have to pay that one for its "the simple things in life are often the best" factor.
    I don't think it is as good as the one above it.

    BTW On a related topic,

    Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?

    A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
    So einfach wie möglich, aber nicht einfacher - Albert Einstein

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