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  1. #1
    CC Candidate Master
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    Jokes [warning: taste level varies]

    Just starting a joke thread couldn't find an original
    If what i have said has offended you, have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself. Am I old enough to drink?

  2. #2
    CC International Master Carl Gorka's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GloryGlory
    Just starting a joke thread couldn't find an original
    The old ones are the best, anyway
    I've never been so broke that I couldn't leave town

    I'm trying out a new blog site...
    http://gorkachc.blogspot.com/

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  3. #3
    CC International Master ElevatorEscapee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fireeater
    The old ones are the best, anyway
    So said the Nun to the Vicar with the wooden leg!
    "On my chess set, all the pawns are Hamburglers" ~ Homer Simpson.

  4. #4
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    Joke numero uno

    > > > > A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
    > >bed.
    > > > She
    > > > > puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
    > > > sitting
    > > > > at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He
    appears
    > >to
    > > > be
    > > > > in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped
    a
    > >tear
    > > > > from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
    > > > >
    > > > > "What's the matter, dear?", she whisper's as she steps into the
    room,
    > > > "Why
    > > > > are you down here at this time of night?"
    > > > >
    > > > > The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago
    > >when
    > > > we
    > > > > were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
    > > > >
    > > > > "Yes I do" she replies.
    > > > >
    > > > > The husband paused, the words were not coming easily. "Do you
    remember
    > > > when
    > > > > your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
    > > > >
    > > > > "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
    beside
    > > > him.
    > > >
    > > > >
    > > > > The husband continued.............. "Do you remember when he shoved
    > >the
    > > > > shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll
    > >send
    > > > you
    > > > > to jail for 20 years?"
    > > > >
    > > > > "I remember that too" she replied softly.
    > > > >
    > > > > He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten
    > >out
    > > > > today"
    If what i have said has offended you, have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself. Am I old enough to drink?

  5. #5
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    is there a previous old joke thread?
    If what i have said has offended you, have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself. Am I old enough to drink?

  6. #6
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    Work Place policy

    SICKDAYS
    We will no longer accept a doctor's sick note as a proof of sickness. If you
    are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.

    SURGERY
    Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
    your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you
    intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

    HOLIDAYS
    Each employee will receive 104 holidays. These will be called Saturday and
    Sunday.

    BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
    friends and relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees
    attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is
    necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will
    be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
    one hour early, provided your days tasks are completed.

    ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH
    This will be accepted as a reasonable excuse for absence. However, we
    require at least two weeks notice as you are expected to train your
    replacement.

    TOILET USE
    Too much core working time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we
    will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All
    employees whose names begin with > '> A> '> will go from 8:00 to 8:20;
    employees whose names begin with > '> B> '> will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and
    so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary
    to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme
    emergencies employees may be able to swap their time with a co-workers. Both
    workers supervisors must approve this in writing.

    In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At
    the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract,
    and the door will open.

    LUNCH BREAK
    Skinny people get an hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can
    look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes to maintain their average
    figure. Fat people get five minutes, because that> '> s all the time it
    takes to drink a Slimfast and take an appetite suppressing pill.

    DRESS CODE
    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
    see you wearing fancy trainers or designer clothing we will obviously assume
    that you do not need a pay rise.

    Thank you for your loyalty to the organization. We are here to provide a
    positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns,
    complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
    allegation, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be
    directed elsewhere.

    Have a productive day.

    The Management.
    If what i have said has offended you, have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself. Am I old enough to drink?

  7. #7
    CC International Master Carl Gorka's Avatar
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    Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

    The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
    Donald frowned and said "No."
    Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

    "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
    "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?

    "No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?"
    __________________
    I've never been so broke that I couldn't leave town

    I'm trying out a new blog site...
    http://gorkachc.blogspot.com/

    Victorian Team Championships

  8. #8
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    Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, Hey Tim, what're you in for??
    I'm getting my tonsils out -- I'm a little worried,? said Tim.

    Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!?

    Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for??

    I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,? Sammy answered.

    Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!?
    If what i have said has offended you, have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself. Am I old enough to drink?

  9. #9
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    A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
    "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

    "Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

    "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

    After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

    "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

    "Under the wagon."
    If what i have said has offended you, have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself. Am I old enough to drink?

  10. #10
    CC Grandmaster Garvinator's Avatar
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    hey gloryglory, your jokes about employee entitlements, did you get the straight from John Howard's IR changes

  11. #11
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    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
    So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

    Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

    God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

    Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

    God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
    If what i have said has offended you, have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself. Am I old enough to drink?

  12. #12
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    Another traditional mailman as the father joke

    An expectant couple were soon to have their first child. Their doctor told them of a new invention to relieve the mother's pain during childbirth. This invention could be attached to the mother and it would transfer the pain she experienced to the baby's father.
    The couple talked it over and the husband was anxious to help his wife with her delivery. When the blessed time came, they opted to use the new invention. It was strapped to the mother and the dial was set at 1.

    With the mother's contraction, the husband felt no pain. He asked that the dial be adjusted to 3. With the next contractions, the mother felt less pain and the husband tolerated the experience well.

    The husband, feeling courageous and noble, asked that the dial be turned to 100%. The nurse did so and the mother completed the entire labor and delivery with no pain. The husband did not feel any pain either, and was certain that women had over-rated their plight in childbirth.

    A few days later the happy new family returned home from the hospital. They were shocked as they drove into their driveway to see the mailman lying dead on the front porch.
    If what i have said has offended you, have a good look in the mirror and ask yourself. Am I old enough to drink?

  13. #13
    CC International Master ElevatorEscapee's Avatar
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    Talking

    Knock knock!
    Who's there?
    EE, YOU IDIOT!!! SHUTUP!!!!!
    Good day to you, Master William!

    Knock knock!
    Who's there?
    F**k'n C***!!!
    Good day to you too, Master Matthew!
    "On my chess set, all the pawns are Hamburglers" ~ Homer Simpson.

  14. #14
    CC Grandmaster antichrist's Avatar
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    Sorry I came in here by mistake, I thought it referred to Christianity.

  15. #15
    CC International Master four four two's Avatar
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    Boom ,tish!

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