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  1. #961
    CC Grandmaster antichrist's Avatar
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    The Retired Doctor

    An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

    He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

    Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

    Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

    Dr. Young: "Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

    Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

    Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

    Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

    Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

    Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

    Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

    Remember: Don't make old people mad.

    We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

    ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!....................... ..P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers.
    Zionism is racism as defined by the UN, Israel by every dirty means available steals land and water, kill Palestinian freedom fighters and civilians, and operates an apartheid system to drive more Palestinians off their land

  2. #962
    CC Grandmaster Desmond's Avatar
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    David Peever.
    So what's your excuse? To run like the devil's chasing you.

    See you in another life, brotha.

  3. #963
    CC Grandmaster antichrist's Avatar
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    American Statuary Laws.


    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not still in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him..

    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him..

    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

    'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?

    The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

    She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

    The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' He says solemnly.

    Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

    'Yes, I do' she replies.

    The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

    'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

    'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

    'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,

    'I would have gotten out today.'
    Zionism is racism as defined by the UN, Israel by every dirty means available steals land and water, kill Palestinian freedom fighters and civilians, and operates an apartheid system to drive more Palestinians off their land

  4. #964
    CC Grandmaster Desmond's Avatar
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    Q: What did Adam say to his partner on the night before Christmas?

    A: It's Christmas Eve.
    So what's your excuse? To run like the devil's chasing you.

    See you in another life, brotha.

  5. #965
    CC Grandmaster Desmond's Avatar
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    So what's your excuse? To run like the devil's chasing you.

    See you in another life, brotha.

  6. #966
    CC Grandmaster Adamski's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by road runner View Post
    Q: What did Adam say to his partner on the night before Christmas?

    A: It's Christmas Eve.
    Like this!
    God exists. Short and to the point.

    Secretary of, and regularly arbiter at, Rooty Hill RSL Chess Club. See www.rootyhillchessclub.org.

    Psephological insight. "Controversial will only lose you votes. Courageous will lose you the election." Sir Humphrey Appleby on Yes Minister.

    Favorite movie line: Girl friend Cathy to Jack Ryan in "Sum of all Fears". "What kind of emergency does an historian have?".

  7. #967
    CC Grandmaster Tony Dowden's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Adamski View Post
    Like this!
    Except that Adam actually said that on Christmas Day
    Fischer visiting Tal in hospital - Curaçao 1962

    "You must take your opponent into a deep dark forest where 2+2=5, and the path leading out is only wide enough for one." - Mikhail Tal
    "Best by test" (on 1.e4) - Bobby Fischer

  8. #968
    CC Grandmaster Capablanca-Fan's Avatar
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    Germany is now advising its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese.

    It's a Wurst Käse scenario.
    “The history of the 20th century is full of examples of countries that set out to redistribute wealth and ended up redistributing poverty.”
    “There’s no point blaming the tragedies of socialism on the flaws or corruption of particular leaders. Any system which allows some people to exercise unbridled power over others is an open invitation to abuse, whether that system is called slavery or socialism or something else.”—Thomas Sowell

  9. #969
    CC International Master
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    Anyone who thinks that one person can't change the world obviously never ate a bat ...

  10. #970
    CC FIDE Master
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    Just checked in on my 84 year old neighbour to see if she needed anything from MENY. She said she did, so I gave her my list. Bloody pointless the two of us going ...

  11. #971
    CC Candidate Master
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    No point in the Queensland government trying to buy a stake in Virgin; they won't be able to find three wise men in their ranks to run it.

  12. #972
    CC Grandmaster Capablanca-Fan's Avatar
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    Jacob and Sara, a young Jewish couple, were expecting their first baby. Unfortunately, Sara went into labor on Shabbat and they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital's maternity ward.

    Because Jacob wanted to try to minimize the Shabbat violation, he told the dispatcher, "Please, only send us a driver who is not Jewish."

    The taxi quickly arrived, but when Jacob and Sara were getting in, they overheard the dispatcher on the two-way radio ask the driver, "Have you picked up the anti-Semites yet?"
    Last edited by Capablanca-Fan; 04-06-2020 at 05:54 AM.
    “The history of the 20th century is full of examples of countries that set out to redistribute wealth and ended up redistributing poverty.”
    “There’s no point blaming the tragedies of socialism on the flaws or corruption of particular leaders. Any system which allows some people to exercise unbridled power over others is an open invitation to abuse, whether that system is called slavery or socialism or something else.”—Thomas Sowell

  13. #973
    CC Grandmaster Capablanca-Fan's Avatar
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    A Russian Jew wanted to emigrate to Israel. The local commissar calls him in for questioning and asks:

    Q. Haven't we allowed you the right to worship in your synagogue?
    A. Can't complain.

    Q. Haven't we let you live in peace with your fellow Jews?
    A. Can't complain.

    Q. Haven't we allowed you to travel freely within
    and beyond the village?
    A. Can't complain.

    Q. Haven't we allowed you to teach your children Torah?
    A. Can't complain.

    Q. Haven't we let you practice your profession?
    A. Can't complain.

    Q. Then why do you want to go to Israel?
    A. "There, I can complain!"
    “The history of the 20th century is full of examples of countries that set out to redistribute wealth and ended up redistributing poverty.”
    “There’s no point blaming the tragedies of socialism on the flaws or corruption of particular leaders. Any system which allows some people to exercise unbridled power over others is an open invitation to abuse, whether that system is called slavery or socialism or something else.”—Thomas Sowell

  14. #974
    CC Grandmaster Capablanca-Fan's Avatar
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    Moshe, his wife, and their three children have just finished their shopping and decide to get a taxi back home. So he hails a taxi and says to the driver, "If you turn off the meter, how much will you charge to drive us to Brooklyn?"

    "For you and your wife, I'll charge just $18," says the taxi driver, "and I'll take the 3 children for free. Is that OK?"

    Moshe turns to his children and says, "Kinder, jump into the taxi, this nice man will take you home. Your mother and I will take the bus."
    “The history of the 20th century is full of examples of countries that set out to redistribute wealth and ended up redistributing poverty.”
    “There’s no point blaming the tragedies of socialism on the flaws or corruption of particular leaders. Any system which allows some people to exercise unbridled power over others is an open invitation to abuse, whether that system is called slavery or socialism or something else.”—Thomas Sowell

  15. #975
    CC Grandmaster antichrist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Capablanca-Fan View Post
    Moshe, his wife, and their three children have just finished their shopping and decide to get a taxi back home. So he hails a taxi and says to the driver, "If you turn off the meter, how much will you charge to drive us to Brooklyn?"

    "For you and your wife, I'll charge just $18," says the taxi driver, "and I'll take the 3 children for free. Is that OK?"

    Moshe turns to his children and says, "Kinder, jump into the taxi, this nice man will take you home. Your mother and I will take the bus."
    That joke maybe okay at the Jewish Comedy Festival but if the 3% or Pauline Hanson came up with it then it wouldn't be funny.
    Zionism is racism as defined by the UN, Israel by every dirty means available steals land and water, kill Palestinian freedom fighters and civilians, and operates an apartheid system to drive more Palestinians off their land

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