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GloryGlory
16-10-2005, 11:09 PM
Just starting a joke thread couldn't find an original

Carl Gorka
16-10-2005, 11:10 PM
Just starting a joke thread couldn't find an original

The old ones are the best, anyway :D

ElevatorEscapee
16-10-2005, 11:14 PM
The old ones are the best, anyway :D

So said the Nun to the Vicar with the wooden leg! ;)

GloryGlory
16-10-2005, 11:16 PM
> > > > A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
> >bed.
> > > She
> > > > puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
> > > sitting
> > > > at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He
appears
> >to
> > > be
> > > > in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped
a
> >tear
> > > > from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
> > > >
> > > > "What's the matter, dear?", she whisper's as she steps into the
room,
> > > "Why
> > > > are you down here at this time of night?"
> > > >
> > > > The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago
> >when
> > > we
> > > > were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
> > > >
> > > > "Yes I do" she replies.
> > > >
> > > > The husband paused, the words were not coming easily. "Do you
remember
> > > when
> > > > your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
> > > >
> > > > "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside
> > > him.
> > >
> > > >
> > > > The husband continued.............. "Do you remember when he shoved
> >the
> > > > shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll
> >send
> > > you
> > > > to jail for 20 years?"
> > > >
> > > > "I remember that too" she replied softly.
> > > >
> > > > He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten
> >out
> > > > today"

GloryGlory
16-10-2005, 11:17 PM
is there a previous old joke thread?

GloryGlory
16-10-2005, 11:20 PM
Work Place policy

SICKDAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's sick note as a proof of sickness. If you
are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.

SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays. These will be called Saturday and
Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends and relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is
necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will
be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
one hour early, provided your days tasks are completed.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as a reasonable excuse for absence. However, we
require at least two weeks notice as you are expected to train your
replacement.

TOILET USE
Too much core working time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All
employees whose names begin with > '> A> '> will go from 8:00 to 8:20;
employees whose names begin with > '> B> '> will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and
so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary
to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme
emergencies employees may be able to swap their time with a co-workers. Both
workers supervisors must approve this in writing.

In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At
the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract,
and the door will open.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can
look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes to maintain their average
figure. Fat people get five minutes, because that> '> s all the time it
takes to drink a Slimfast and take an appetite suppressing pill.

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing fancy trainers or designer clothing we will obviously assume
that you do not need a pay rise.

Thank you for your loyalty to the organization. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegation, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be
directed elsewhere.

Have a productive day.

The Management.

Carl Gorka
16-10-2005, 11:21 PM
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?

"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?"
__________________

GloryGlory
16-10-2005, 11:26 PM
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, Hey Tim, what're you in for??
I'm getting my tonsils out -- I'm a little worried,? said Tim.

Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!?

Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for??

I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,? Sammy answered.

Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!?

GloryGlory
16-10-2005, 11:35 PM
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

Garvinator
16-10-2005, 11:38 PM
hey gloryglory, your jokes about employee entitlements, did you get the straight from John Howard's IR changes ;)

GloryGlory
16-10-2005, 11:40 PM
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

GloryGlory
16-10-2005, 11:44 PM
Another traditional mailman as the father joke

An expectant couple were soon to have their first child. Their doctor told them of a new invention to relieve the mother's pain during childbirth. This invention could be attached to the mother and it would transfer the pain she experienced to the baby's father.
The couple talked it over and the husband was anxious to help his wife with her delivery. When the blessed time came, they opted to use the new invention. It was strapped to the mother and the dial was set at 1.

With the mother's contraction, the husband felt no pain. He asked that the dial be adjusted to 3. With the next contractions, the mother felt less pain and the husband tolerated the experience well.

The husband, feeling courageous and noble, asked that the dial be turned to 100%. The nurse did so and the mother completed the entire labor and delivery with no pain. The husband did not feel any pain either, and was certain that women had over-rated their plight in childbirth.

A few days later the happy new family returned home from the hospital. They were shocked as they drove into their driveway to see the mailman lying dead on the front porch.

ElevatorEscapee
17-10-2005, 12:05 AM
Knock knock!
Who's there?
EE, YOU IDIOT!!! SHUTUP!!!!!
Good day to you, Master William!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
F**k'n C***!!!
Good day to you too, Master Matthew!

antichrist
17-10-2005, 12:29 AM
Sorry I came in here by mistake, I thought it referred to Christianity.

four four two
17-10-2005, 12:34 AM
Boom ,tish! :lol:

GloryGlory
17-10-2005, 12:43 AM
lol

Dozy
17-10-2005, 07:16 AM
English scriptwriter Frank Muir was addressing the National Press Club Luncheon when he visited Oz away back when, and one of the journos asked him to tell his favourite joke.

He said a man was in bed in a hospital private ward waiting for an operation when there was a knock at the door and he said, "Come in."
A pretty young nurse came in and said, "I've come to prep you for the operation. If you have any questions I'll answer them when I finish."
She stripped him, shaved his private parts, rolled him over and took his temperature with an anal thermometer and dressed him in one of those dreadful hospital gowns that open down the back.
Then she put him in a wheelchair to take him to the theatre and said brightly, "Now, are there any questions?"
"Just one," he said. "Why did you knock?"

BFG
17-10-2005, 11:01 AM
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a guy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's arse and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

Alan Shore
17-10-2005, 01:35 PM
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK...

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Lucena
19-10-2005, 12:40 AM
How to identify if your cow has mad cow disease:

http://viswiz.imk.fraunhofer.de/~steffi/madcow/madcow.htm

GloryGlory
19-10-2005, 09:01 PM
Ok things have been going a little slow these past 24 hours so i am going to have an imput now.
Here is a warm up to make you smile.

A couple years ago... the ignorant but rich US public elected Bill Clinton. One day President Clinton was in Air force one with his wife Hilary his daughter Chelsea and his vice president Al Gore.
Air force one was flying over the US and Bill Clinton was getting bored so he said to the others, "If i drop a hundred dollar bill out the window I can make one person happy." Then Al Gore replies "If i drop ten 10dollar bills out the window then i can make 10 people happy." Clinton's wife laughs and replies " If i drop 100 one dollar bills out the window i can make 100 people happy" Chelsea shakes her head and replies "If i throw all three of you out the window i can make the whole world happy!

GloryGlory
19-10-2005, 09:13 PM
Some random site
people should be like this
http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html

GloryGlory
19-10-2005, 09:23 PM
A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."

GloryGlory
19-10-2005, 09:28 PM
Stupid things you find on labels

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Dozy
22-10-2005, 04:44 AM
True story:
In the 80s a Melbourne judge created a furore when he gave a man a lenient sentence for raping a woman who admitted being a prostitute. There was a lot of debate and the Sydney Morning Herald ran a whole series of letters-to-the-editor about it. Eventually the editor said, "This is the last letter we're going to publish on this subject," and concluded the series with a letter from a Sydney woman who said, "This man took without payment something this woman was willing to sell. He should have been charged with shoplifting."


So here's one about pros:

Three guys are looking for a collective noun to describe a group of working girls offering their wares on a street corner.
The first liked a jam of tarts
The second preferred a fanfare of strumpets
But the third said they were an anthology of pros...

Rincewind
22-10-2005, 07:48 AM
So here's one about pros:

Three guys are looking for a collective noun to describe a group of working girls offering their wares on a street corner.
The first liked a jam of tarts
The second preferred a fanfare of strumpets
But the third said they were an anthology of pros...

How about a carousel of baggage?

Dozy
22-10-2005, 10:40 AM
How about a carousel of baggage?Clever!

Trent Parker
22-10-2005, 11:40 AM
How many frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

Dunno it hasn't been done yet.
------------------------------------------------------

Three bikees die and rock up to the pearly gates.

St Peter says: I'll let you into heaven if you give me something to do with christmas.

1st bikee gives ST Peter a piece of tinsel. St peter lets him in
2nd bikee gives St peter a Santa Decoration.

The third bikee searches himself and his bike and finds nothing.

St Peter says i can't let you in unless you give me something to do with Christmas.

The third bikee has another look and hads St Peters a pair of womens underwear.

St Peter says "How do these relate to christmas?"

Third Bikee says "Oh, Their Carol's

bergil
22-10-2005, 02:45 PM
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home
because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

bergil
22-10-2005, 02:53 PM
Women's Ages:

Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa...
virgin and unexplored.

Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia...
hot and exotic.

Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America...
fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful,
and free with her resources.

Between the ages of 46 and 58, she is like Europe...
exhausted, but still has many points of interest.

After 58 she is like New Zealand...
everybody knows it's down there,
but who gives a damn!

Dozy
22-10-2005, 03:38 PM
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.Not nice, Mr Bergil, but as long as you brought up the subject...

Salvador Dali, late in life, became alarmed that his eyesight was failing and went to see a leading ophthalmologist who examined him, diagnosed a glaucoma, and immediately operated, thus saving the great man's sight.

Dali was so relieved that he not only paid the exorbitant fee but painted a portrait of the doctor and presented it to him with a flourish.

The doctor was a little startled to see it was a perfect likeness of himself set against the background of an enormous eye.

"What do you think?" said Dali.

"I think," said the bemused opthalmologist, "that I'm glad I'm not a proctologist."

bergil
22-10-2005, 04:14 PM
:lol: :clap:

Alan Shore
22-10-2005, 05:39 PM
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding
hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently,
then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your
thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then
he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand
on yer leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch
before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said,
"My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl
in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The
girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in
anticipation of the ultimate request.

And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three
pennies?"

Alan Shore
22-10-2005, 08:23 PM
How many frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

Dunno it hasn't been done yet.

http://img457.imageshack.us/img457/4748/proudfrenchmoment0bo.jpg

PHAT
22-10-2005, 11:56 PM
After reading some of the jokes here I reckon I can get away with the full version of a lymrich that I partly posted earlier, somewhere.

There once was a rabi called Keith,
Who curcumcised boys with his teeth.
Not sexual excitement,
But this the indictment -
To get at the cheese underniether. :eek:

Bereaved
23-10-2005, 12:46 AM
Hello everyone,

I don't know who is responsible for this one, but I like it.

As Titian was mixing rose madder,
His model was climbing a ladder,
Her position to Titian,
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder, and 'ad her!!

Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
23-10-2005, 12:53 AM
Two men are washed up on a deserted island after a ship wreck.
The first turns to the second and says,

"Seeing as we may not get rescued for quite some time, we may as well have a conversation"

"Fine, what would you like to talk about?"

"Nuclear Physics"

"Ok, fair enough; but let me ask you this first: A Cow eats grass and leaves a round patty on the ground, A sheep eats grass and leaves little dollops on the ground and a rabbit eats grass and leaves little pellets on the ground. Can you tell me why it is so?"

"No, not really..I have no idea"

"Mate you want to talk Nuclear physics??!! You don't know S#!t!!"

Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
23-10-2005, 01:10 AM
Hamish leaves the pub late at night, very heavy with grog. After walking towards his house for what seems like forever, he decides to rest for a 'wee moment' against a wall on the outskirts of town and is asleep in seconds.

Two Norwegian tourist girls are also returning from the pub, and come across Hamish sprawled on the ground. Seeing Hamish was wearing a kilt, they began giggling, and speaking in unquiet whispers..

"Did you hear the stories about what's under their kilts?"

"Ya, shall we look?"

As quietly as possible ( not very really ), they bend down and lift the kilt, turn to each other and smile.

" The stories are all true!"

Then the other turns and says "We must reward him for this knowledge" and so she takes a blue ribbon from her hair, ties it around the end of his ding dong, and they head off on their way, leaving the still slumbering Hamish.


Dawn's light brings a burning to Hamish' eyes, and he groggily sits up, but only for a moment. The night's drinking sends him bolting into a nearby clump of bushes to relieve his swollen bladder.

He lifts his kilt, lets the stream flow, gives an immense sigh of relief, goes to lower his kilt........and stops when he sees he has a ribbon attached below.

He looks left.

He looks right.

He looks all around.

He looks down and says


"I don't know where ye been laddie, but it seems ye got first prize again!!"

Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
23-10-2005, 01:48 AM
A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the
hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies,
"Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't
charge you anything, it's on the house"

The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and leaves.

When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 2 gold coins on his doorstep.

Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon
for shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You
don't have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of
the people, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house."

The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him.

When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 12 diamonds on his doorstep.

The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a
haircut. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No, Rabbi, I couldn't
ask you to pay anything, it's on the house, you are a learned and wise man,
go in peace." The Rabbi blesses him and leaves.

When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.

Take care all and God Bless, Macavity

bergil
23-10-2005, 09:35 AM
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on
the subject and finally getting all the necessary tools
together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make
a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice
boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a
thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heaven the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the
opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and
tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,

"IS THAT YOU LORD?" The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE HOCKEY RINK."

bergil
23-10-2005, 09:57 AM
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth,
"For example, Southern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while
Northern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth.

There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line.

The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What
about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the obnoxious loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."

bergil
23-10-2005, 10:12 AM
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live alone
by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young
woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. So of course, I went and
cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!

We made love all night, in the bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom,
all over the house.We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top,
like doggies, every position imaginable!"
Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno... never found the head."

four four two
23-10-2005, 11:29 AM
Sick, but funny. :clap: :clap: :clap:

Its that kind of morning...

bergil
23-10-2005, 06:27 PM
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on South Philly Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then South Philly Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which South Philly Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring,' but I like your thinking."

GloryGlory
23-10-2005, 08:33 PM
Please be advised children under the age of 35 are prohibited from seeing this series of comical words.

Once apon a time on the Ocean was a ship. One night disaster struck and the ship was destryoed by a series of icebergs, storms and a anvil. There was only three survivors and they eventually got washed up on a unchartered island. Of the three survivors were two attractive men and one attractive female. After a while on the island. "Natural things" happened. And the lady felt bad about sleeping with two men so she killed herself. So left was the two lonely men. And so after a while "Natural things" happened and after a while the two men felt guilty about this. So they decided to burythe ladys body. :eh:

GloryGlory
23-10-2005, 08:45 PM
No offence to blondes :D

How Many Blondes does it take to milk a cow?

11, 1 to hold the udder and 10 to lift the cow up and down

GloryGlory
23-10-2005, 08:53 PM
One day a little boy goes up to his mother and says "mother, why is my younger sister called moon child?" A little startled his mother relied "Well, um thats because she was conceived under a full moon." Thinking about what his mother just said he had another question "mother, why is my older sister called Daisy?" trying to cut the conversation to an end shortly she replied "Because she was born in a daisy field" The little boy taking this all in says "Ok" The mother a little puzzled about the conversation asked the boy "Why do you ask Broken Rubber? :eek:

antichrist
23-10-2005, 09:00 PM
http://img457.imageshack.us/img457/4748/proudfrenchmoment0bo.jpg

I will take this picture as being dedicated to myself re Antichrist the francophobe - split from World Junior Thread. Cop that RW!

May God bless the Vichey regime that rounded up the Jews for Hitler.

bergil
24-10-2005, 12:11 PM
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists... two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Rincewind
24-10-2005, 01:22 PM
I will take this picture as being dedicated to myself...

Why is it always about you, AC?

antichrist
24-10-2005, 01:43 PM
Why is it always about you, AC?

You can't begrudge that one, it fits: Antichrist the francophobe - split from World Junior Thread like a tee. May God bless Belthasar for supporting the cause.

You were a loser in that thread and a loser again now. Suffer little losers to come unto me.

Why is it always about rwosers?

Rincewind
24-10-2005, 01:52 PM
You can't begrudge that one, it fits: Antichrist the francophobe - split from World Junior Thread like a tee.

:wall:

bergil
24-10-2005, 05:53 PM
Can you put a name to some of these facts?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!) :clap:

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.) :eek:

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.) :wall:

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head ! off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") :eek:

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) :hmm:

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........) :hmm:

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. :doh:
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people on here like that!) :hand:


Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people on here like that also.) :owned:

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

antichrist
24-10-2005, 05:59 PM
Can you put a name to some of these facts?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!) :clap:

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.) :eek:

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.) :wall:

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head ! off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") :eek:

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) :hmm:

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........) :hmm:

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. :doh:
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people on here like that!) :hand:


Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people on here like that also.) :owned:

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

And of course this is only an extremely tiny example of nature. Now a question for those who don't accept evolution - why would God go to the trouble of making the billions of individual characteristics found in nature???

Also ask why God made snakes, spiders, mozzies, leeches, ticks etc. that torment man? All because man ate a stupid apple - it is the believers who are stupid!!!!!!!!!

Religion is the biggest joke ever.
God bless Macavity and Frosty - the fools.

pballard
24-10-2005, 10:21 PM
Can you put a name to some of these facts?


I can name several of them "crap".

Lucena
24-10-2005, 11:15 PM
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

almost: http://www.snopes.com/critters/wild/pleasure.htm

Lucena
25-10-2005, 12:06 AM
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head ! off.

just spotted this one: http://www.snopes.com/critters/wild/mantis1.htm

PHAT
25-10-2005, 12:16 AM
Not a "joke" but worth the read.

Click here. (http://www.boards2go.com/boards/board.cgi?action=read&id=1129910286&user=ottawachessclub)

Bereaved
25-10-2005, 02:20 AM
It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the channel are
about to be guillotined. "Do you wan't to be beheaded on your back or your
front?" The executioner asked Smith.

"On my back," said Smith. "I'm not afraid of death." So Smith was laid on
his back under the blade. The executioner pulled the lever. Schlick... and
the blade jammed. Smith was reprieved because no man can be sentenced to
death twice.

Hoskins was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed,
and Hoskins was reprieved.

Murphy was third. "Back or front?" "If it's good enough for Smith and
Hoskins, it's good enough for me," and so Murphy was laid on his back under
the blade.

"Begorrah!" Murphy suddenly exclaimed. "Just a minute. I think I can see
why it jams."

Take care and God Bless, Macavity

PS this one was courtesy of Don Maciulaitis

bergil
26-10-2005, 09:21 PM
There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.

So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.

OK, says the guy.

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie who says,
You have one wish.

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

He tells the barman,
Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.

The barman replies, You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?

bergil
26-10-2005, 09:27 PM
Shortest Fairy Tale Ever!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" So the guy went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot, drank beer and farted whenever he wanted and lived happily ever after.


THE END

bergil
26-10-2005, 09:35 PM
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an
incredible set of assets. He says, "Give me two pickets to
Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh."

He's really embarrassed, so the guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make
Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I
meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally
said, 'You bloody b****, you wrecked my life.'"

Alan Shore
26-10-2005, 09:40 PM
Things we all would like to say at work, but can't.

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message..

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

Alan Shore
26-10-2005, 09:47 PM
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders six shots of vodka.
The bartender asks the man, "Have a rough day?"
The man replies, "Yeah, I found out my younger brother was gay!"
The bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful."
The man downs the shots and leaves.
The very next day the same man comes back into the bar and orders six more
shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, "What's wrong today?"
The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay."
Bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible."
The man downs his shots and leaves.
The man returns again on the third day and again orders six shots of
vodka. Bartender asks the man, "Another rough day?"
The man says, "Yeah."
The bartender asks the man, "Does anyone in your family like women??"
The man says, "Yeah, my wife."

Carl Gorka
26-10-2005, 11:42 PM
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an
incredible set of assets. He says, "Give me two pickets to
Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh."



Reminds me of the bloke walking home when it's raining heavily. He decides to stop in a pub, ges in, goes up to the bar and says to the barmaid "Tickle your arse with a feather"
She looks up sharply and says "What was that?"
He says, "Particularly nasty weather....could I have a beer please?"

The barmaid's satisfied she's misheard and goes to pour the drink. An old guy at the bar says "that was great...bloody funny....wish I had the nerve to to something like that?" The guy says, "well, try it....there's a pub across the road". The old guy thinks for a second and downs his drink, puts his coat on and walks out into the rain, crosses the road, walks into the other pub and goes up to the bar. "Can I help you?" says the barmaid.

"Stick a feather up your arse" the old guy says.
"What was that?" the barmaid angrily retorts.
"It's bloody chucking it down outside"

bergil
27-10-2005, 11:45 AM
The Truth !

Two Irishmen, Pat and Mike, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the
boat's provisions, Pat stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that
a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To their amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Pat blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Mike looked disgustedly at Pat whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension- filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Pat! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat." :doh:

GloryGlory
27-10-2005, 10:18 PM
There was three ladies about to be executed by a firing range. A blonde, brunette and a red head. The red head goes infront of the firing squad and the leader says, "Any last words?" The lady shouts "arghhhh flood!" The whole squadron starts to panick and look for places to hide while doing that the red head escapes. then the brunette somes up. Again the leader asks "Any last words?" The lady shouts "Hurricane!!!" again panick sweeps throught the squadron and during the comotion the brunette escapes. Finally it is the blondes turn. Again the leader asks "Any last words?" Instinctively the Blonde shouts out "FIRE!!!"

Dozy
27-10-2005, 10:47 PM
The Truth !

Two Irishmen, Pat and Mike, were adrift in a lifeboat . . .Just as long as you brought up the subject, mate...

The magician who'd been entertaining on the Titanic drifted in a lifeboat with no companion but the parrot he used as part of his act.

For two days they just stared at each other in silence until finally the parrot said, "OK, I give up. What did you do with the boat?"

Alan Shore
27-10-2005, 10:53 PM
Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations.

The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure:
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant...
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant...
In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant...
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant...
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant...
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant...
And in the USA they didn't know what 'rest of the world' meant.

bergil
28-10-2005, 10:36 AM
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the
TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer and a whiskey chaser before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer and whiskey chaser. When he finished them, he said,

"Quick, bring me another beer and whiskey chaser. "It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer and whiskey.

When they was gone, he said, "Quick, another beerand whiskey chaser before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run
around like your slave for you.

Don't you realize that I cook, clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it started !!!!!

Trent Parker
28-10-2005, 11:01 AM
CV Mistakes and oddities


"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate-especially when the task is unpleasant."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs .Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

arosar
28-10-2005, 11:42 AM
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6739710473912337648

AR

Alan Shore
28-10-2005, 12:15 PM
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6739710473912337648

AR

ROFL!!!!

Best. Video. Ever.

Lucena
28-10-2005, 02:46 PM
How not to make a good impression:

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1754

That ad is soooooo unfair! :uhoh:

Bereaved
28-10-2005, 10:21 PM
At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was
stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to
a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central
London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched
to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their
side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining
the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious
display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse
let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting
blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with
noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries
did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the
Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to
handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please
accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some
things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty,
please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you
hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the
horses."


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Lucena
28-10-2005, 10:39 PM
Weapons of mass destruction:

http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/

bergil
29-10-2005, 02:06 AM
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. The 80-year-old said, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute then noted, "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his cane and went Bang! Bang! Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly...

Alan Shore
29-10-2005, 02:39 AM
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6739710473912337648

AR

Those google videos are cool - here's another hilarious one:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7820333450116505275&q=power+rangers

four four two
29-10-2005, 10:19 AM
What an epic! :lol: :clap:

bergil
29-10-2005, 10:26 AM
A man goes to the Doctor as says, "Doctor I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside".

The Doctor goes "Howzat"!

The man groans and says, "Don't you bloody start".

Dozy
03-11-2005, 08:03 AM
I'm not sure whether this one belongs here or, in view of "carp deum" in the Does God Exist thread...


Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero!
(Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!)
- Horace

carpe diem......... seize the day
carpe noctum....... seize the night
carp diem......... complain daily
carp deum......... god is a fish
carpe per diem..... seize the check
carpe carp........ seize the fish
carpe canem........ seize the dog
carpe calypso...... seize the DAY-O

Found it on a chess site: http://www.finitechess.com/

bergil
20-11-2005, 07:36 PM
A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the holy book. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those bloody beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

bergil
05-12-2005, 08:04 AM
An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into A
pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter do you keep widdle wabbiths?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my python weally givth a phuck."

Alan Shore
07-12-2005, 01:18 AM
I guess this is the thread for Google videos too... awesome action sequence:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8970008800328106389&q=parkour

bergil
08-12-2005, 11:34 AM
I guess this is the thread for Google videos too... awesome action sequence:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8970008800328106389&q=parkour
Didn't one of the shoe companies make an ad of that?

four four two
08-12-2005, 04:23 PM
I'd say that guy has been watching quite a few Jackie Chan videos...that last shot ,if it wasnt using a trick camera angle,is actually quite dangerous.
Even Jackie busted his ankle doing it for "Rumble in the Bronx". ;)

Rincewind
08-12-2005, 04:43 PM
To quote Cartman: "Cover me! I'm going slo-mo!" But the angles look right and cnosistent with the shadow. Although there was a soft-ish landing on that jump.

bergil
11-12-2005, 12:51 PM
The Dalai Lama walked into his local fallafel shop today. he says "Make me one with everything!" :D


A rope walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a drink. Bartender looks him up and down, and replies, "We don't serve your kind here. Leave now, or get shot." The rope, dejected, hangs his head and walks out the front door.

He sits pondering how to get a drink and then frantically starts to fray each end, and ties himself into a knot. He walks proudly back into the bar and asks the bartender for a tall one. The bartender fills a mug, sets it on the bar and asks, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No. I'm a frayed knot." :rolleyes:

bergil
21-12-2005, 02:14 PM
The owner of a chemist shop walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with damn laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Rubbish, look at him, he's to afraid to cough!" :uhoh:

Kaitlin
21-12-2005, 03:04 PM
Wats the difference between broccoli and snot?
...
....
.....
.......Kids wont eat broccoli :mrgreen:

bergil
30-12-2005, 07:15 PM
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am.

I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life." :evilb:

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley." :banana: :buttkick:

bergil
24-01-2006, 11:23 PM
An American tourist in London wanders into a local pub, downs several pints and stumbles out the door. After walking for a while, he finds himself in a posh residential neighborhood with no public restrooms.

In pain, he finds a side street and walks up to a wall. Just as he unsips his pants, a British cop grabs his and says, "Sir, you can't do that here."

"Sorry officer," replies the Yank, "but I really have to go, and I can't find a bathroom anywhere."

"Follow me, then," says the cop. He leads the Yank down a back alley and opens a gate. Inside is a lush garden with manicured lawns, topiaries, statues and fountains. "Pee anwhere you like, " says the bobbie.

When the Yank is finished he says, "I guess this is what you call English hospitality!"

"No, sir," replies the bobbie." "This is what we call the French embassy."

bergil
24-01-2006, 11:24 PM
Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.

One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 01:27 AM
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around
to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage
hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put
into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your
eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my
family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The entire crowd, indeed, become totally mesmerized as the watch
swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 01:30 AM
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the
water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk, ''Are you ready to find Jesus?''

The drunk answers, ''Yes, I am.''

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and
asks the drunk, ''Brother, have you found Jesus?''

The drunk replies, ''No, I haven't found Jesus.''

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a
little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
again, ''Have you found Jesus, my brother?''

The drunk again answers, ''No, I haven't found Jesus.''

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and, when he
begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up. The preacher again
asks the drunk, ''For the love of God, have you found Jesus?''

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

''Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 01:34 AM
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.

So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is
the picnic site is ten KILOMETRES away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy, give me the
bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Roy. "I thought that you were supposed to pack it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"

Naturally Andy didn't bring it.

So they're stuck ten long kilometres from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they
will eat all the sandwiches while he is gone.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that
they will not touch the sandwiches, Roy finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still
isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and
just as they are about to take their first bite, Roy pops up from behind a
rock and shouts; "I knew it, I KNEW IT!.....No way am I bloody well going!"


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 01:36 AM
A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag
carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the
girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out: "Oh big boy, whip me, whip
me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not
have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window,
snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both
collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping
session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor
takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in
all my years of doctoring..... You've got the worst case of van aerial
disease that I've ever seen."


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 01:38 AM
Old Bert's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look
good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write
on.

The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Bert uses his
last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies.

The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places
it in his jacket pocket.

At Bert's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's
wearing the same jacket he wore when Bert died.

"Bert handed me a note just before he died," he says to the gathered
mourners. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Bert, I'm sure there's a
word of inspiration in it for us all."

Opening the note, he reads aloud, "For God's sake," and then stops mid
sentence. The rest of the note said, "take your foot off the oxygen tube."


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 01:41 AM
An old bloke in the nursing home couldn't talk. One day, while he was
sitting in a chair, a nurse walked by and noticed that he was leaning to
the right. She sat him upright in his chair and told him to sit still.

A while later, the nurse came by again, and this time she noticed that he
was leaning to the left. She straightened him up and told him again to sit
still, or else he might fall out of his chair.

The next time she made her rounds, she saw the old guy leaning forward,
about to topple headfirst to the floor, so she tied him into the chair for
his own good.

Later on in the day, his daughter came to visit, and seeing her father
strapped into his chair, asked him what was wrong. The old bloke handed her
a note, which she unfolded and read. It said, "They won't let me fart."


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 01:43 AM
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip,
the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let
us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with
full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few
moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Seamus, "Any idea where we are?"

"Bejasus, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 01:45 AM
Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,where Saint Peter gives him a smart
six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his
lot,Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine,tailored
suit. "Thats really nice", says Bill. "Where did you get it"

"Actually" says the man, "I was given 50 of these,plus two mansions, a
yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces".

"Were you a pope or a doctor healing the sick?" asks Bill.

"No,I was the captain of the Titanic", the man replies.

Gates storms off to see Saint Peter and asks,"How come the captain of a
liner that sank gets all that while I,the inventor of the Windows operating
system, get a crummy little house?"

"We use Windows,"says Saint Peter. "And the titanic only crashed once".


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 01:47 AM
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in New York.
But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for
what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.
"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband
on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized
the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what
he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill
became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was
the hooker.
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five
bucks?!"



Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 01:50 AM
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a
sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his
clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all
about,."Was the other Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian
men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If
they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there
waiting for us."

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there
was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore
off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied
a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge
opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is
bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine
women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on
his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 01:52 AM
A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather
prettyblonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says
"Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"

He thinks quickly and his mind shoots back to the one and only time he has
been in a compromising situation. "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper
on my stag night that my mates introduced me to?"

The friendly smile disappears... "No," comes the frosty reply. "I'm your
son's English Teacher."


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 01:53 AM
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just
so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some
machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.



Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 01:57 AM
An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The
men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman...

The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman,
and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman
just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Irishman then continues to drink
his ale. The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend
jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that."

So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick
was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so
now?" The Irishman then continues to drink his ale. So the Englishman,
frustrated goes and sits down with his friends.

When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!"
So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick
was an ENGLISHMAN!"

And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin."



Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 01:59 AM
Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the
undertakers. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit
at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, Considering the
circumstances. His wife went to the funeral parlour to make the final
arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the undertaker about what her
husband would be wearing. The undertaker Pointed out that the man looked
perfect in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be
easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and
that she really wanted him in a Blue suit for his trip to eternity. To
silence the undertaker's continued protestations, she gave him a blank
cheque and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in
the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."

The woman came back later that week for the funeral. To her delight, she
found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fitted him perfectly. She said to the undertaker,
"Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm
very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her utter astonishment, the
undertaker handed back her blank cheque, indicating there was no charge for
these extra services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of
that exquisite blue suit!" she insisted.

The undertaker responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit
cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's
size was brought in shortly after you left the other day, wearing an
attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave
wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference,
as long as he looked presentable... So I switched the heads."


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 02:02 AM
Cyril and Beryl were a long term married couple with no children, but also
with no debts. Cyril was a hard worker. Although he provided for the
couple's essential expenses, he was otherwise quite miserly as far as money
was concerned.

Cyril did not smoke, drink or gamble. He did not believe in wasting money
for entertainment. Dining out, movies and the theatre were not considered
among Cyril's necessities and holidays were definitely among the no noes.
Cyril was extremely careful with his money. He did not trust share brokers,
estate agents nor any type of investment advisers. He did not trust banks
either, preferring to accumulate his savings in large denomination notes
and storing them in the safety of a secure container deep in his cellar.

Cyril was also not one to fritter away his savings on doctors, so when he
became unwell one year, he battled on regardless and kept on secreting his
savings. One day he became quite ill, was rushed to hospital and was
diagnosed to have a terminal disease with only a matter of days to live.
Cyril spoke earnestly to Beryl and made her promise to put his money into
his coffin so that he may take his hard earned savings with him into the
hereafter.

Beryl explained the matter to her sister Martha when speaking to her
shortly after Cyril had passed away. "Surely, Beryl, that is madness," said
Martha. "You are not going to do it?"

"I must," replied Beryl. "I am a good, christian woman and I made a fervent
promise on Cyril's death bed."

On the day of Cyril's funeral, Beryl was seen to hand a tightly bound, shoe
box sized package to the undertaker who agreed to open the coffin and place
the package next to Cyril. "Something that my dear, departed husband
treasured throughout his life," Beryl was overheard to say to the funeral
director. The coffin was duly closed again in readiness for the service and
the cremation.

Martha rushed up to Beryl and said, "you did not, Beryl. Tell me, for God's
sake, have you gone completely crazy?"

"I just had to do it," said Beryl. "I promised." Martha shook her head
several times and looked at her sister pityingly.

"My conscience is now clear," sobbed Beryl dabbing her face with her
handkerchief. "I removed all the notes from Cyril's hiding place,"
continued Beryl, "I deposited all the money into my bank account and then I
wrote dear Cyril my cheque for every last cent of his life savings."



Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 02:05 AM
Three Irishmen, drunk as can be, come staggering down the street singing
Danny Boy at the top of their lungs.

They stopped in front of Flaherty's house still singing. After a few
minutes, the window flies open and Mrs. Flaherty yells out, "Why don't you
drunken sots go somewhere else."

"Are you Mrs. Flaherty?" asks one of the drunks.

"You know dam well I am," she says.

"Well, can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of
us can go home."


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 02:06 AM
An American visiting Ireland goes into a bar and in a load voice announces
himself and says to everyone in the room - " I hear you Irish are big
drinkers". " I will give $1000 to anyone that can drink ten pints of
Guinness one after another.

There is silence in the bar, but after about 30 seconds a man gets up and
walks out the bar.

He returns after about 25 minutes and asks the American if the offer still
stands. The American says "yes". The Irishman drinks the 10 pints and the
American is amazed and gives him the $1000.

"By the way," asks the American. "I noticed you leaving after I announced
my offer. Can I ask where you went?"

The Irishman replied "I didn't want to look like a fool in front of me
friends so I just went to the bar down the road to see if I could do it."


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
25-01-2006, 02:08 AM
Returning from the pub one late evening two rather pickled Irishmen were
rumbling through a cemetery in search of the oldest person buried there.

One of these tiddly gentlemen, Shamus yells out, "Here's a fella that
died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus lights a match to better see what else is written on the stone
marker, and exclaims, " He was 'Miles, from Dublin.'"



Take care and God Bless, Macavity

bergil
06-02-2006, 01:00 AM
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

bergil
07-02-2006, 09:35 AM
Tony Blair is visiting a hospital in Ayrshire. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets the first patient with a handshake. The patient replies:

Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a you take your place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. The patient responds:

Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, Blair moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

We sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks:
Is this a psychiatric ward?

"No", replies the doctor " This is the Burns unit "

bergil
15-02-2006, 09:24 AM
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered,
"I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm
smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks
had had enough so she took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and
the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3 ?" Harry: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry:
"36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go
to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you
have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a
question! Harry replied: "Pockets!"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants". Ms.
Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What
goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes
opened really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'UCK' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Fire Truck".

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in
the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

bergil
24-02-2006, 02:26 AM
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be
strong honey, I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Now be strong darling and remember I love you too!!"

Alan Shore
24-02-2006, 02:49 AM
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year
Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50
dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm
85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another
chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50
is dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take
you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not
say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a
word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I
did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but
50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Alan Shore
24-02-2006, 02:57 AM
Confucius say:

Virginity like bubble; one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Many electricians make light work.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Alan Shore
24-02-2006, 03:03 AM
This is based on true events:

Somebody once suggested, that as a joke, you say to people on your MSN/ICQ list the phrase 'Hey, we should meet up sometime for some casual sex'. The following are the results of some of the better responses.


Eviscerator85: You know, we should meet up sometime for some casual sex.
girl: haha i dont really do casual sex.
Eviscerator85: Then would you be interested in nonchalant intercourse?
girl: a little more PC, but still a no
Eviscerator85: How about informal relations?
girl: XDD
Eviscerator85: A perfunctory tryst?
girl: wtf thesaurus
Eviscerator85: lol
Eviscerator85: well, the offer's always there if you change your mind
girl: thhanks
Eviscerator85: you're welcome

Battousai8728: Hey, we should meet up sometime for some casual sex.
girl: Alright here's the deal you goto the store you buy a hose, some tights, a bottle of whipped cream, candles , a candle warmer some duct tape and drive down to the cape look up the name chloe, (i'm pretty much the only one) come to my window break it and BAM i'm all yours...oh and uh wear jeans so it really is casual.. i'll be waiting. ;)

Luscient: Hey, we should meet up sometime for some casual sex
girl: ..where did that come from
Luscient: my naughty half, baby ;)
Luscient: hello?

Luscient: Hey, we should meet up sometime for some casual sex
nextgirl: i do have a condom that i plan on using before it's april 2008 expiration date, but i want to leave my options open for now.
Luscient: ouch
nextgirl: haha :)

me: Hey, we should meet up sometime for some casual sex.
ugly girl: o tell me now that im away at college lol
me: well you'll be home for christmas won't you
ugly girl: lol ya
me: sorry not on the 24th or 25th though
me: that's primetime, only for the finest of *****es

ME: Hey, we should meet up sometime for some casual sex
her: LOL
her: classy.
ME: Then would you be interested in nonchalant intercourse?
HER: only if the voicetrack of starfox 64 is playing on repeat in the background and you work it into the act
ME (12:22:18 AM): "i'm gonna mess you up reaaaaal good"
HER: HAHAHAHHA
HER: oh sweet jesus
HER: "I'll do you fast peppy old pal"

[21:18] DAO Qua: you know, we should meet up sometime for some casual sex
[21:18] girl: yea we should
[21:19] DAO Qua: okay, what time
[21:19] girl: now
[21:22] DAO Qua: alright so..you can walk over here. lord knows you should lose a lil weight before we go at it
[21:25] girl: OMG

(Guy talking to his ex-gf):
me: Hey, we should meet up sometime for some casual sex.
her: WTF
her: LOOK BRIAN YOU KNOW I DONT DO CASUAL SEX AND YOUR THE ONE WHO WANTED TO BREAK UP WITH ME FOR THAT PSYCHO LOSER NOT ME
me: woah easy on teh caps.
me: I wasn't serious..
her: Real ******* funny
her: Now Im crying. Are you happy?
me: look im sorry.. this was all just a big misunderstanding
me: it was supposed to be a joke.
her: SO NOW IM JUST A JOKE TO YOU?
me: look.. I gotta go
her: I loved you Brian.
her: FINE IS THAT ALL YOU WANTED?
me: umm.. yeah bye

Me: We should meet up sometime for some casual sex.
Her: I'M YOUR AUNT! EW!

Me: Hey, we should meet up sometime for some casual sex
Girl: ...u jus kinda dnt say that to ur gf
>_> Now she's pissed off at me.

(Guy to his current gf):
Rurounirohan: Hey, we should meet up sometime for some casual sex.
GF: OMG it took u 4months to get that out. Ive wanted u too ask me for a helllllza long time :)
Rurounirohan: O RLY?! nonchalant intourcourse it is!
GF: omg rohan i love u...ill see u at nine for dinner. We'll see how things go from there :P

Alan Shore
24-02-2006, 05:14 PM
Stevie Wonder called The Cheese Grater the most violent book he has ever read.

bergil
24-02-2006, 05:19 PM
How can you tell when its bedtime at whacko Jacko's Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand is on the little hand! :eek:

Bereaved
26-02-2006, 03:00 AM
Norm was driving his small van, with a great deal of caution, when he was
pulled over by a traffic policeman. "Don't be worried sir," the officer
said, "you haven't broken any law. But tell me, why is it that, every so
often, you pull up and race around the back of the van, and thump on the
back door?"

"Well, officer, I have three tonnes of budgies in there, and this is only a
two tonne van. If they all land at once, they'll break my springs."

***

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a far Northern Territory camp
site, four elderly Cockies were discussing everything from the weather,
cattle, horses and to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned
to the fellow on his right and asked, "Bluey, aren't you and your bride
celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Damn right we are," Bluey replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th
anniversary, I took her to Hobart, down there in Tasmania. For our 50th,
I'm thinking about going down there again to maybe pick her up."

Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
26-02-2006, 03:04 AM
An American, touring Spain, stopped at a local restaurant
following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he
noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at
the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was
wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those
are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell,
I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so
sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is
only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and
place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and
that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of
the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his
platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious,
but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor.
Sometimes the bull win."


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
26-02-2006, 03:12 AM
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter
evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples
eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what
the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been
through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed
his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The
couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the
tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted
out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile
in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and
then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began
to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor
old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and
came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another
meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just
fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them
something to eat. This time the lady explained that, no, they were
used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly
with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to
their table and offered to buy some food.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of
the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share
everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

























She answered, "the teeth."



Take care and God Bless, Macavity

qpawn
26-02-2006, 09:38 AM
When I was at school our English class had a "joke of the week" day in which people would tell jokes. Not all the jokes were funny. In fact one joke was so bad that it was joked "the worst joke of the year" despite stiff competition for the prestigious title. Here goes. [I warn you; this one is really bad].

"What did the parents call their baby who was born with no knees?"
"Neil".

:D I warned you!!

bergil
03-03-2006, 11:41 AM
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?

Yes, Father, it is.

And who was the woman you were with?

I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Volpe?

I'll never tell.

Was it Nina Capelli?

I'm sorry but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny
Parisi, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Johnny walks back to his pew and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers, What'd you get?

Four months vacation and five good leads........

Trent Parker
04-03-2006, 12:45 AM
When I was at school our English class had a "joke of the week" day in which people would tell jokes. Not all the jokes were funny. In fact one joke was so bad that it was joked "the worst joke of the year" despite stiff competition for the prestigious title. Here goes. [I warn you; this one is really bad].

"What did the parents call their baby who was born with no knees?"
"Neil".

:D I warned you!!

lol

what did the fisherman call his daughter? Annette

What did the lawyer call his daughter? Sue

bergil
06-03-2006, 03:01 AM
Two good ole boys were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold
beer.

After a while the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak
over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was
off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us
kin?"

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make
us even."

Bereaved
07-03-2006, 06:25 PM
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops
dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five
continue
playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to
tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion
is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker and is
afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife, slamming the door in
Gallagher's face.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

Take care and God Bless, Macavity

bergil
10-03-2006, 11:02 AM
A woman goes into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives her one! ;)

bergil
24-03-2006, 11:19 PM
A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint. The rabbit says, “Don’t do that. Come running with me. It’s much more fun!” The deer takes off with the rabbit.

They come across an elephant doing coke. “Come running with us, elephant,” says the rabbit. “You’ll feel so good!” The elephant decides to join in the fun.

The animals encounter a lion about to shoot up. Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion knocks it unconscious.

The deer screams, “Lion, what are you doing? He’s trying to help us!”

The lion answers, “Are you kidding! That bloody bugger makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes Ecstasy!”

Alan Shore
25-03-2006, 01:04 AM
So a pirate walks into the bar with a ship's steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender says, "Isn't that kind of annoying?" The pirate responds, "Yarrr, its drivin' me nuts!"

Alan Shore
25-03-2006, 01:04 AM
What's brown and sticky?








A stick!

ElevatorEscapee
25-03-2006, 01:20 AM
Knock, knock?

Alan Shore
25-03-2006, 01:22 AM
Knock, knock?

Who's there....?

ElevatorEscapee
25-03-2006, 01:29 AM
Who's there....?

Awww... You've heard it before! :doh:

Alan Shore
25-03-2006, 01:30 AM
So a man walks into a bar...






'Ouch!' he exclaimed.

bergil
26-03-2006, 08:14 PM
Matthew and Sarah are travelling by car from Sydney to Cairns. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stopped at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only planned to sleep for about four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. "Matthew explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350 and he can go and pleasure himself. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, Matt insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the Matt and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for Matthew and his wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

"The best entertainers from all over the world perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, Matthew replies, "But we didn't use it, your all a bunch of nazi's. We just used the room!"

"It was here and you could have" explains the manager. Realizing the manager is not going to concede, Matthew gives up and pays the manager for the room. He writes a cheque and hands it to him.

The manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir," he says, "this cheque is only made out for $100."

"That's right fascist," says Matthew. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

Well," Matthew says, "she was here, and you could have!"

pballard
27-03-2006, 02:24 PM
So a man walks into a bar...






'Ouch!' he exclaimed.

Reminds of...

An Englishman, an Australian and an Irishman walk into a bar. So the barman says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

bergil
27-03-2006, 02:28 PM
Reminds of...

An Englishman, an Australian and an Irishman walk into a bar. So the barman says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Or A horse walks into a bar and the barman says " why the long face" :rolleyes:

bergil
29-03-2006, 03:07 AM
Two good ole boys were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold
beer. After a while the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak
over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make
us even." ;)

Bereaved
29-03-2006, 10:50 PM
Hi Bergil,

It seems that post 140 and post 127 are the same post, I guess that it was an accident, but thought that I would let you know,

Take care and God Bless, Macavity

bergil
29-03-2006, 11:34 PM
Hi Bergil,

It seems that post 140 and post 127 are the same post, I guess that it was an accident, but thought that I would let you know,

Take care and God Bless, Macavity
Cheers mate I thought I had put that joke up before. :doh:

Spiny Norman
02-04-2006, 08:16 AM
A group of scientists (physicists, biologists, biochemists, computer engineers) approach God with the following proposal:


"Listen, we've decided we no longer need you. Nowadays, we can extract stem cells, clone people, transplant hearts, build very large sources of energy, manufacture talking robots with eyes, build sensors of all types, and make biological changes that were once considered miraculous."

God hears them out, and then says, "All right. You're on. To see whether or not I am needed, why don't we have a little man-making contest!"

"Okay," say the scientists.

"Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam," says God.

"That's fine by us" reply the scientists ,and they bend down to scoop up some dirt.

"Whoa!" God said, shaking his head in disapproval. "Not so fast! You make your own dirt!"

Steve K
02-04-2006, 09:29 AM
Janet Howard died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Janet, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Weary Dunlop's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Sir Edward only told 2 lies in his entire life.

Janet asked, "Where's my darling John's clock?"

"John's clock is in Satan’s office", replied the all-knowing St.Peter,
"He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Rincewind
02-04-2006, 09:31 AM
"Whoa!" God said, shaking his head in disapproval. "Not so fast! You make your own dirt!"

That punchline can be appreciated at a lampooning of "the god of the gaps".

Dozy
15-04-2006, 09:37 PM
An Easter fable:

It was the night of the Last Supper and the late JC and his disciples were seated pretty much the way they looked in Da Vinci's famous painting.

JC looked around the table and there was Judas who would betray him, Peter who would deny him and Thomas who would doubt him. He shook his head sadly and realised there was only one thing to do.

Raising his right hand he snapped his fingers for the head waiter and said, "Separate cheques please, Max."

antichrist
16-04-2006, 12:09 AM
someone should be able to come up with better punchline?

Wouldn't skipping town on the overnight train be a better idea?

or

you guys make me cross

bergil
29-04-2006, 12:23 PM
A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion."

And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive."

bergil
29-04-2006, 12:35 PM
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly fell into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him, she swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
news and I have bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays
sound judgement and rational mind set.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry! Now how
soon can I go home?"

bergil
30-04-2006, 04:26 AM
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Jonnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie." Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.

Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be f**Ked if he needed glasses."

Bereaved
30-04-2006, 12:02 PM
Hi everyone,

Prince Charles was visiting Australia, and as he left the plane,
the crowd was angered to see he was wearing an expensive fox fur hat.
Upon being quizzed about his choice by reporters he said,
"Oh, the hat, that was mummy's idea.
You see, I was saying goodbye to her this morning, as one does,
and she happened to enquire where I was going.
I told her I was headed for Australia, and she said",
" Australia? where the fox hat?"

take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
30-04-2006, 12:04 PM
A Jewish father, Moisha, was paid a visit by his eldest son Yitzak...

"Father, I am going to marry!"

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila..."Tell me, is she
a good Jewish girl?" asks the father. "What is her name?"

"O'Brien," replies the son... "She's Catholic..."

"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"

"I'm very, very happy," says the son..

"OK...as long as you're happy ... my blessings to you both," replies
Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel
and Chutzpah.
Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening.

"Father... I too will be married soon!"
Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises...

"What is her name?," implores the father.

"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."

"Oy," says Moisha. "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy, Father."

"OK ... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha.
Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray.
"Please God... let my remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl to
raise nice Jewish children in your eyes ... PLEASE," he cries out.

The very next week, Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims,
"Father, I am to wed in the spring!"

"HER NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?", his father immediately demands.

"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah!

Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!"
Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley,
from Los Angeles?"

"No," says Chutzpah.

"Hmmm," says ! Moisha... "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from
Beverly Hills?"

"Ah... no, Father," says Chutzpah...

"What is her first name, my youngest, truest, most handsome son?"

"Whoopi."

Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
30-04-2006, 12:07 PM
A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides
that he just must see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but
he simply cannot resist.

He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a ship
across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other
side and takes a train to the zoo.

When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe this eyes; it's the most
beautiful animal he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he
goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage.

After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to
the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that what ever he
does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla.

The man agrees and is led to the cage.

He tip-toes into the cage and is amazed; the gorilla is even bigger and
more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla
just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man is getting
used to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm
that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the
gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white
gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently
touches the gorilla.

Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The
man is petrified and he turns and runs to the exit, getting there just
before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the
door just in time.

The gorilla, pulls at the door and to the mans horror the bars start to
bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on
the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back
and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it.

The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the
ship. The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes
and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day
they're due back in port he's
walking on deck when he sees a small white shape in the water trailing
behind the ship. He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars
from someone.

He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover
that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the ship. It must have been
there all along.

The ship then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and
rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing
out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to
his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being
followed by the huge white gorilla.

The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the
cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He
runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide.

He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door
closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the
man, he's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the
wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the
man and smiles, reaches out a massive hairy hand and gently taps the man
several times and
says: "One, two, three - You are he!"


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

ElevatorEscapee
30-04-2006, 08:57 PM
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

Dozy
03-05-2006, 10:04 AM
I was in Townsville a few years ago for a workshop at JCU and was approached by a couple of god-botherers who wanted me to attend a revival meeting, or a seance, or something like that. When I explained that I was going to be tied up for the weekend the younger of the two said (in a pretty aggressive voice), "If you gave your heart to Jesus you wouldn't be having trouble with your wife!"

Well, it's a great line and statistically he'd have to back a few winners with it, but he picked the wrong bloke.

However, for all you guys who would have had to blush a little and mumble some other excuse, here's a great site that will help you understand the marriage game. It's too big to post in the Jokes thread but it left me, like the guy who was eliminated from Dancing With the Stars last night, with tears in my eyes.

Oh yeah, and in spite of the fact that it uses that Three-Letter-Word in the URL it's kiddy-safe: though I doubt that many kids would appreciate the humour.

http://ifaq.wap.org/sex/homegame.html

(Edit): Let's put a small "Oops" in there. The link at the bottom page leads to some other jokes and some of those are a bit racy...

Bereaved
05-05-2006, 02:18 AM
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a
comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been
called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to
town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And
Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a
camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place
drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what
you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best
price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's
Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all
the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But
this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself
inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man
did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel
dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or
NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new
riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real
riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who
bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making
drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came
to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and
Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham.

And that is how it all began!


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Igor_Goldenberg
05-05-2006, 10:45 AM
An old man comes to confess to a priest"

-Father, I am 80 years old, and was always faithfull to my wife. However, I recently met gorgeous 18 years old girl, and we spent wonderful night together.
- My son, it is a sin. Have you confessed before?
- No, I have never been to confession before
- Why?
- I don't go to church, I am jewish
- Then why did you tell me??
- I tell it eveyone who listens!!!

bergil
11-05-2006, 01:22 PM
On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her class to raise their hands if they are too. Wanting to impress the teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says "Janie why didnt you raise your hand?"

Because Im not a Collingwood fan" she replied.

The teacher still shocked, asked "Well, if your not a Collingwood fan then who are you a fan of?"

"Im a Swans fan and proud of it" Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears.

"Janie why are you a Swans fan?"

"Cuz my mom and dad are both Swans fans, so I'm a Swans fan too!"

"Well" said the teacher in an annoyed tone "that is no reason for you to be a Swans fan. You dont have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron what would you be then?"

"Then" Janie smiled "I'd be a Collingwood fan"

bergil
11-05-2006, 01:27 PM
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." :rolleyes:

Trent Parker
11-05-2006, 01:28 PM
In an interview the two trapped beaconsfield men admitted having sex with each other fearing that they would not have any more sexual relations before they die. The Police swooped in and arrested the two men for having sex with a miner.

Trent Parker
11-05-2006, 01:40 PM
A man was swimming out in the sea. Suddenly a shark started to circle him. Frantically he starts swimming towards shore. The shark bights his Left arm off.... so he keeps struggling towards the shore with one arm. Then the shark decides to make a meal of his other arm..... and this poor guy keeps swimming towards shore with only his legs...... but his arms were just the entree the shark goes for his left leg and all of a sudden he is legless. By this time a Lifesaver has arrived at the scene pulls the armless, legless man on to his board. The Lifesaver was a very strong swimmer and swims to the shore. The Lifesaver says "Geez i'm rooted" The limbless man says "sorry about that mate...... it was the only way i could hang on.......

Trent Parker
11-05-2006, 01:52 PM
This Greenie bloke is driving along the countryside. All of a sudden a rabbit jumps out infront of the car. The greenie swerves to miss it but the rabbit jumps right infront of the car. The greenie hops out of the car, looks at the rabbit and starts crying. " I have destroyed this beautiful living creature"

Moments later a stunning Blonde woman comes along and sees the man crying. "What is the matter?" she asks. The man points to the rabbit. "I killed the poor rabbit".

"ahhh I can fix that. She goes back to the car and grabs a can, sprays the rabbit with its contents. All of a sudden the rabbit jumps up turns around and waves to the man and jumps away a couple of meters then turns around and waves again, Turns around jumps several meters turns around and waves again. The rabbit continues to do this until it is out of sight.

The Guy says "WOW! what was in the can?"

The woman turns the can around so the guy could read it.

Hair Spray:
Puts new life into dead hair
with a permanent wave.......

bergil
13-05-2006, 12:23 AM
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at
a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no
shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of
whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a
very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations
and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and
enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious
manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1959, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit
taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1959!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against
his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1959!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in
his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2330 now."

Don't ya love military time?! :rolleyes:

bergil
14-05-2006, 01:30 AM
After my last posting here, Dozy has banned me for a month. :doh:

Dozy
14-05-2006, 08:07 AM
After my last posting here, Dozy has banned me for a month. :doh:What a feeling of power! I'll have to try that more often. Should I change my handle to Dozbot?

Anyway, the same Sgt Major who got you banned was walking through a red light district one night when he saw a young lady who took his fancy.

"What would you charge for the pleasure of my company?" he asked.

"$200," she said.

"Very reasonable too," he said. Then he did a smart about face, snapped to attention, put back his head and roared, "COMPANY!"

WhiteElephant
22-05-2006, 02:16 PM
Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what,"

says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

"Really? You've got a new laptop?"

Basil
22-05-2006, 03:20 PM
Paying $3 HCD's right there, folks.

Dozy
22-05-2006, 04:31 PM
Two IT guys were talking in a bar . . .Very neat, WE. Kinda subtle.

The same IT guy had a poster in his flat that said:

There are only 10 kinds of people in the world -- those who understand binary and those who don't...

Igor_Goldenberg
26-05-2006, 10:58 AM
Received email yersterday, some of them hard to resist:


1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. A LIFE sentence!

2. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

3. Son: "How much does it cost to get married, Dad?"

Father: "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."

4. Son: "Is it true, Dad, that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Father: "That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!"

5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is. (it's an old one, but I can't resist keep quoting it to my wife each when...)
6. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

7. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.

8. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, the love of a beautiful woman, then...POW! It was all gone."

"What happened?," asked his friend.

He answered: "My wife found out."

9. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: "Aren't you wearing your ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.

The last two I liked the most:

10. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

11. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

road runner
26-05-2006, 02:40 PM
Very neat, WE. Kinda subtle.

The same IT guy had a poster in his flat that said:

There are only 10 kinds of people in the world -- those who understand binary and those who don't...

Yes, and his doormat said "Welcome to my humble 127.0.0.1"

Basil
26-05-2006, 02:49 PM
Yes, and his doormat said "Welcome to my humble 127.0.0.1"
Paying $10 HCDs right there, folks!

Dozy
08-06-2006, 05:15 PM
Young guy gets his first break in the movies and rushes home to tell his flat mate about it.

"Great," said his friend, "what's the role?"

"I'm playing the husband of a feminist."

"What a shame you didn't get a speaking part."

Basil
08-06-2006, 06:07 PM
Paying $15 HCDs right there, folks!

Bereaved
15-06-2006, 05:41 PM
Disclaimer: All humour contains wrongness; I'm sure that you understand

World Cup match report - Australia vs. Brazil

It is just before the Australia vs. Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the
Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's
important but it's only Australia. They're just hopeless and we can't be
bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by
myself - you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the
Brazilian team go off for a few pots.
After a few drinks they wonder how the game is going, so they get the
publican to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil
1 - Australia 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating Australia all by
himself!

Anyway, a few drinks later and the game is forgotten until someone
remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put
the TV on.

"Result from the Stadium .... "Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - Australia
1 (Viduka 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against Australia!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in
the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them but says....... "I've let you down, I've let you
down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they
only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
15-06-2006, 05:45 PM
A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed him
out of ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the
Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the underling, "Where is the 10 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 10
million dollars is hidden.

The underling signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
underling's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you
don't tell him!"

The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger."


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Basil
15-06-2006, 11:02 PM
Paying $50HCDs, right there, folks!

Rincewind
23-06-2006, 08:15 PM
A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the airport sirens rang out. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.

He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would-be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now! Hurry!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple Pole in a complex plane."

PHAT
23-06-2006, 09:06 PM
Kevin Bonham

road runner
23-06-2006, 10:22 PM
Kevin Bonham
ROFL - nothing personal Kevin, but you have to pay that one for its "the simple things in life are often the best" factor.

Rincewind
23-06-2006, 10:28 PM
ROFL - nothing personal Kevin, but you have to pay that one for its "the simple things in life are often the best" factor.

I don't think it is as good as the one above it.

BTW On a related topic,

Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?

A: Because he left a residue at every pole.

Dozy
24-06-2006, 09:18 AM
Not a joke, but in response to a couple of flame warriors resorting to using initial letters instead of swearing at each other on an open thread, I remembered something that happened way back in the 1960s.

In the days of telex one of our blokes signed off a heated discussion with "G F" which so incensed the supervisor at the PMG (it wasn't yet Telstra, it wasn't even Telecom at that stage) that she rang our boss to complain.

She: I demand an apology for that offensive remark.
He: What do you think it means?
She: You know very well what it means.
He: Yes I do. His name is Gilbert Fraser and those are his initials.
She: *%#!+@ and hung up.

Well those were certainly Gilbert Fraser's initials -- but it was Bob Jackson who used them!

Bereaved
27-06-2006, 03:22 AM
At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth at the Commonwealth Games in Melbourne
earlier this year, John Howard turned to the Queen and said: "In my
capacity of prime minister of Australia, I'm thinking of changing how my
great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Howard, but to be a Kingdom, you have to
have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

John Howard thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a
Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Howard."

Howard thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr.
Howard, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and you are
certainly not an Emperor."

Before Howard could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're
doing quite nicely as a Country."


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Basil
27-06-2006, 03:24 AM
:eek: :P

Basil
30-06-2006, 06:06 AM
Didn't know whether to start a new thread for this. Not quite "jokes", but close enough I hope. If you disagree, I ask forgiveness!

Why this list made me think of some chess players, I simply have NO idea! :)

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but?LIFE HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

road runner
18-07-2006, 08:29 AM
Dear
Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version
7.0 to Wife version 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
___________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM..

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!!
DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. this application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Dozy
18-07-2006, 10:21 AM
Brilliant Boris! :lol: :lol: ROTFL

Basil
18-07-2006, 11:39 AM
One of the funniest I've ever read. Thanks mate.

road runner
19-07-2006, 11:10 AM
Working in IT (ahem, there I go again), I thought I had seen a few doosies. Until I saw this come from a prominent manufacturer today:

Context: talking about RAM (and for those interested, no I can't talk without using them :P )

What windows can use = WWCU
What is need by the chipset to operate = WINBTCTO
What left over for the customer to use = WLOFTCTU

So a basic Windows XP memory formula is...
WWCU - WINBTCTO = WLOFTCTU

four four two
21-07-2006, 01:24 AM
If you dont enjoy any of these than bad luck...:P ...


http://www.fugly.com/videos/4180/dave_allen.html


http://www.fugly.com/videos/4442/bush-drinking-again.html


http://www.fugly.com/videos/2783/techtvblooper.html


http://www.fugly.com/videos/3304/chicle.html


http://www.fugly.com/videos/4312/unnecessary-bleeping.html


http://www.fugly.com/videos/3057/king_kong_baby1.html

Alan Shore
23-07-2006, 11:08 AM
Human Space Inavders?

http://www.pistolwimp.com/media/48474/

MakGreenland
11-08-2006, 05:54 AM
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

JUST TOO CUTE.

This is the cleanest E-mail joke I've come across in a long while!


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

ElevatorEscapee
11-08-2006, 07:27 AM
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

JUST TOO CUTE.

This is the cleanest E-mail joke I've come across in a long while!


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


Thanks for sharing that with us Mak :)

You must get better email than me. My inbox is generally full of spam trying to send me to some online store selling cheap & dodgy pharmaceutical products. :doh:

Bereaved
11-08-2006, 11:32 AM
A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he
goes down the road to the next farmer, explains his problem and asks if he
has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got
this great rooster,named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got,no
problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides
he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph. The farmer takes Ralph home and sets
him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want
you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and
you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.
So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and
Ralph takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the
farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the
duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph
after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the
geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and
pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster
won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find
Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging
out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling
overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive
animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself.
I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,
"Shhhh! They're getting closer."


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

antichrist
18-08-2006, 06:34 PM
What happened to AR's joke about the Pope and mine re plugging into something brilliant?

Bill Gletsos
18-08-2006, 10:27 PM
What happened to AR's joke about the Pope and mine re plugging into something brilliant?I can see no post of AR's or yours having been deleted by a mod or admin from this thread.

antichrist
19-08-2006, 02:56 PM
Reminds me of a recent joke on TV:

Why is a man smarter when having sex?

Because he is plugged into something brilliant.

Bereaved
29-08-2006, 11:54 PM
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window
saying:

HELP WANTED

Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.

Successful applicant must be bilingual.

We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window,
saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged
his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the
air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the
least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he
led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at
the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to
type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly
type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to
the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm
sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a
computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to
demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample
spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you
are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a
dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw
at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign
also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said,
"Meow."



Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
15-09-2006, 12:41 AM
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft Error
messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction
rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the
first line, seven in the second, five in the third.

Haikus are used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a
wistful,yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity - the
essence of
Zen:

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

road runner
12-11-2006, 07:13 PM
* Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
* Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
* Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
* Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

road runner
12-11-2006, 09:19 PM
http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/12925/greaserbabies.swf

Basil
12-11-2006, 09:53 PM
Seen the first before; glad to have seen it again. (Denis - you reading? :))

The second is currently whizzing its way around Renee's e-mail chain. Q

WhiteElephant
06-12-2006, 10:34 AM
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets
up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker
in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw
her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your
grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still
says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says:

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."

Bereaved
30-01-2007, 03:10 PM
More from the House of Maciulaitis

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Vietnam.

Two million Vietnamese have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to
start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The United States is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The small island country New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The European community (except France) is sending money.

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding
infrastructure.

The Australians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement
Vietnamese.

Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
23-02-2007, 10:21 PM
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives…however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."



Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Axiom
23-02-2007, 10:32 PM
The war on drugs,increased drug use.
The war on terror,increased terrorism
....I'm waiting for the war on sex.

Garvinator
09-03-2007, 02:19 AM
From www.susanpolgar.blogspot.com


A Politician Misunderstood...

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

So he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Thanks,
Billy

Axiom
13-03-2007, 12:22 AM
From www.susanpolgar.blogspot.com
:lol: :lol: :lol: :clap:

Bill Gletsos
02-04-2007, 04:22 PM
Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of All Time (http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/aprilfool/)

Rincewind
02-04-2007, 05:30 PM
Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of All Time (http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/aprilfool/)

#9 is funny, Dr Aprile Pazzo.

road runner
22-08-2007, 08:21 PM
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Brokeback Mountain is ALSO the name of the pile of dead ninjas outside Chuck Norris's house.

Chuck Norris is so fast he ran round the world and punched himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Rincewind
22-08-2007, 08:27 PM
Chuck Norris meets Brian from Family Guy...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grg0Yfz8k2A

Basil
24-10-2007, 01:01 AM
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATHS
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Rincewind
24-10-2007, 02:00 AM
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Contrary to popular belief, married men do not live longer than single men, it just seems that way.

Capablanca-Fan
26-10-2007, 07:08 PM
One difference between a chemist and a Labor party supporter is how they read the word unionized.

The former will read it un-ionized and think of hydrocarbon solvents and molecular solids.

The latter will think union-ized, licking his lips at the thought of the next government 70% controlled by unionists.

road runner
29-10-2007, 09:26 PM
A distressed gorilla-handler approaches the curator of his zoo. "Mr Curator," said the gorilla-handler, "We have a crisis on our hands. The male gorilla is in some serious need of some female gorilla attention."

"But what about the females we had shipped in last month?" the curator replied.

"Well, the male has rejected them and nearly beaten them do death in the process. The male is so agitated it is liable to break through anything and hurt anyone in his path, including himself!"

"Perhaps we can arrange another transfer - "

"There's no time, man! He needs some lovin', and needs it now!"

"Well, what about that new feeder we got last month? He's a kiwi isn't he? I hear that they are a bit fond of animals. Maybe if we give him a few bucks he'll do us a favour"

So they find the kiwi gorilla-feeder and explain the situation. "So, you see," concluded the curator, "we are really after a quick fix for the gorilla, as it were. Oh, and there will be a fee of $500 involved as well."

The kiwi angles his head an gives each of them a long appraising look. Satisfied that this is not another prank, he delivers his verdict. "OK, I'll do it as long as I can have two conditions. First, you don't tell no-one about this."

The curator and gorilla-handler indicate their agreement. "And the second...?"

The kiwi reached into his pockets and replied, "Well, I'm gonna need a couple of weeks to come up with the cash."

Basil
29-10-2007, 11:12 PM
That's just funny. Do you have any Indian jokes ;) :uhoh:

Basil
31-10-2007, 12:40 AM
I miss Dozy

From this thread:
http://www.chesschat.org/showpost.php?p=75238&postcount=31

Bereaved
13-11-2007, 12:39 AM
Hello, everyone,


2007 Australian Citizenship test


1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arrse"?
___________________________________
2. What is a ?bloody little beauty??
___________________________________
3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
___________________________________
4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
__________________________________

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
___________________________
6. Complete the following sentences:
a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ?
b) You're going home in the back of a ?
c) Fair crack of the ?
_________________________________
7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
__________________________________
8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
__________________________________
9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
__________________________________

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
__________________________________
11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
__________________________________
12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
__________________________________
13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?
__________________________________
14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?
__________________________________
15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
__________________________________
16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
__________________________________

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
__________________________________
18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
__________________________________
19. Who would you like to crack on to?
__________________________________
20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
__________________________________
21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
_________________________________
22. What does ?sinkin piss at a mates joint and getten para? mean?




Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Bereaved
13-11-2007, 12:43 AM
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he told her he'd pay her a large sum of money if she'd return to Italy to have the child.

If she'd stay in Italy and raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked him how she'd notify him once she'd given birth.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
"Spaghetti" on the back. He'd then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

About 9 months later, he came home one day to his very confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Really he said, let me have a look?"

The wife gave him the card watching his face as he turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."



Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Trent Parker
18-11-2007, 03:40 PM
Two old school friends bump into each other after many years without seeing each other:

Diana: Oh Darling how have you been? Since leaving school i've married a rich man. I Live in a Mansion and have one Perfect Darling Child.
Cheryl: How Nooiss! Nup single renting 5 kids, But Howw Nooiss!
Diana: Well have you done any travelling my Dear? I've travelled the world. Been to the Eifel tower in Parris, to safari in Africa, Spent time in Asia, Lived in America.
Cheryl: Howw Nooiss. Nup been nowhere, seen nufin, done nufin, but howw Nooiss
Diana: I've been to some of the most superb Operas and magnificent Orchestras and some beautiful Ballet. Have you been to many cultural events?
Cheryl: Howw Noooisss! Nup, dun nuffin, Seen nuffin.... But Howww Nooiss
Diana: But Darling, What have you been doing all this time?
Cheryl: Wal, I've Been going to elecution lessons.
Diana: Darling, Whatever do you mean Elecution Lessons?
Cheryl: Wal, instead of saying "Get F***ed" i'm to say Howw Nooise

Basil
18-11-2007, 03:42 PM
:lol:

Axiom
18-11-2007, 03:54 PM
Q. How many terrorists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A.You just have to find the buggers first !

Capablanca-Fan
03-12-2007, 06:30 PM
London Times Obituary of the late Mr Common Sense

‘Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn’t always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion, Advil or an Elastoplast (band-aide) to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, and her grandson was too stupid to wait for her to be secured in her seat before driving off suddenly. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I’m A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Basil
03-12-2007, 08:00 PM
Good one.

Capablanca-Fan
11-12-2007, 04:00 PM
Celebrate Diversity with Muhammad!
Muhammad the Teddy Bear makes a great gift for your favorite infidel or apostate. A portion of the proceeds will benefit victims of radical Islam.
http://thelotusblog.com/2007/11/30/celebrate-diversity-with-muhammad/

Basil
11-12-2007, 06:18 PM
Noah's Ark

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted thatI was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.'

Trent Parker
17-12-2007, 05:26 PM
A group of chess enthusiasts, when checking into a hotel, stand in the lobby loudly discussing recent victories.
After a few minutes the manager bursts out of his office and starts shouting at the group, telling them to get lost.
"Why are you being so unpleasant?" asks one.
"Because," says the manager, "I just can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Bereaved
17-12-2007, 06:21 PM
A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and >
knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

'Is your Dad home'? the farmer asked.

'Sorry mate, he isn't' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your mum here'?

'No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Greg? Is he here'?

'He went with Mum and Dad.'

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do for ya'? the boy asked politely. 'I know where
all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a
message for Dad.'

'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your
Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment.

'You would have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. If it
helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the
pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg.'


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Trent Parker
18-12-2007, 11:33 PM
lol good one!

Trent Parker
21-12-2007, 04:34 AM
One of the best jokes from www.pokernews.com

One day Jayne walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had won in the casino.

Jayne walked up to the cashier and handed over a cheque for $850,000. The cashier insisted on checking such a large a mount, and so a few minutes later the bank manager appeared to take a look. The bank manager, curious ad how Jayne came to have so much money, started to ask some questions.

"How did you get so much money?"

"Well", she replies, "I'm a bit of a gambler..."

"Really?!" the manager replied, and started to give Jayne a lecture about the evils of gambling.

"No really, it's fun!" insisted Jayne. "I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square!".

The manager was a bit shocked, but after thinking it though, thought that there was no way he could loose the bet. So they shook hands and went out in to the car park so Jayne could check his balls. Standing in the car park was a man wearing a gray suit.

"This is my attorney," said Jayne. "He's here to make sure everything is legal."

"OK" said the bank manager, so Jayne stepped up in front of him, unzipped his trousers and gave his balls a good feel.

"You're right, they're not square!"

The manager smiled and looked over to the lawyer, who at this point was banging his head on the car. Confused, the manager asked Jayne, "What's wrong with your lawyer?"

"Oh, I bet him $100,000 I would have your balls in my hands in five minutes."

Trent Parker
21-12-2007, 05:05 AM
rotfl same site:

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains how the game works:

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures he will easily win the match since his opponent is a blonde, so he makes another offer:
"Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."
This catches the blonde's attention and,
figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer,
"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers - all to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The
blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, so what IS the answer?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Trent Parker
24-02-2008, 10:10 PM
A husband and wife are playing golf. They tee off and the husband plays a wildly off target and smashes the window of a nearby House. They run over to the house to find a man next to a broken lamp.

Husband says "sorry for the broken lamp, mate"

Guy says "no, thank you! You did me a favor. I'm a Genie and I've been stuck in that lamp for about 40 years! I'm obliged to give you three wishes, but If its ok I would like to have the third. What is your first wish?

Husband: "I want twenty million dollars!"

Genie: "done, but not only that I'll make sure that you have happiness to enjoy the money."

Wife: "Cool! I want a house in every country so we can go on holidays whenever we want. "

Genie: "done! Not only that, I'll make sure that whereever you go there will be beautiful weather.

Husband: "cool! So what is your wish?"

Genie: "well.... being in the lamp for such a long time..... I haven't had sex. I wish to have sex with your wife."

After a bit of conferring the husband and wife agree. "ok you're giving us all this other stuff...."

So the Genie and the wife go into the bedroom do their thing. The genie rolls over and asks the wife "how old are you?

Wife: "35"

Genie: "And how old is your husband?

Wife: "35 also. Why do you ask?"

The Genie laughed and said "..... and after 35 years you still belive in Genies?"

Capablanca-Fan
25-02-2008, 06:39 PM
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2..00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant or aeroplane like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland alled Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Capablanca-Fan
25-02-2008, 06:44 PM
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Last Will & Testament Reading Delayed

Sodom and Gomorrah
GAY PRIDE PARADE ENDS WITH A BLAST
Environmentalist blame big business for brimstone presence in the air.

Capablanca-Fan
25-02-2008, 06:46 PM
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT — GOVERNMENTIUM

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium."

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each re-organisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

Garrett
03-03-2008, 07:25 AM
Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off.""Could you jack off?" she says......"I feel like shit."

Bereaved
04-03-2008, 10:59 PM
Seamus is at the pub and Fitzpatrick the barkeeper sees him.

"To be sure, Seamus, it's a cryin' shame, I thought when I heard that your factory was burnt to the ground and all your stock lost just now, near broke me heart!"

"Ah, you are too kind, Mr Fitzpatrick, but don't worry yourself about it at all...."


"The fires not 'til tomorrow night... "

Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Capablanca-Fan
05-03-2008, 03:36 PM
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Rincewind
10-03-2008, 05:45 PM
What do you get when you cross a post modernist with a mafia boss?

An offer nobody can understand.

Basil
10-03-2008, 05:49 PM
:lol:

Basil
30-03-2008, 09:58 PM
Oldie But Goodie (well common if not old). But in case you haven't seen it:


Morning all,

Please see below the International Notice.

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A. - A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

John Cleese

Garvinator
30-03-2008, 10:10 PM
18. Each former USA citizen is required to pay a tax for all the money owing, including interest, from the boston tea party. It is required for all the good tea that was wasted.

Igor_Goldenberg
31-03-2008, 09:55 AM
A man in a suite walks in a pub with an alligator in tow.
- Do you serve lawyers here?
- Yes sir, we serve everyone
- Good. I'll have a whiskey and my alligator will have a lawyer

Capablanca-Fan
31-03-2008, 11:22 AM
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A. - A Message from John Cleese
I sent this to my American wife and daughter :evil: :lol:

Capablanca-Fan
31-03-2008, 05:48 PM
A woman was unhappy with her husband one day and said, ‘If I don’t find something in the driveway tomorrow which can go from zero to 200 in 6 seconds, I’m leaving you’. The next morning she jumped out of bed, flung open the curtains and there in the driveway was a brand new, gleaming white set of bathroom scales.

Adamski
01-04-2008, 03:22 PM
:lol:

Garrett
23-04-2008, 01:20 PM
Two aliens landed in an outback desert of Queensland near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling! We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt, crumpled mess about 200 yards away in a rabbit burrow.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antennae and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

Rincewind
23-04-2008, 06:25 PM
couldn't findthe joke thread in a hurry.

What was the hurry?

Capablanca-Fan
23-04-2008, 07:16 PM
What was the hurry?
Because it was funny!:lol:

Garrett
24-04-2008, 08:09 AM
sorry, had to rush off to a meeting and wanted to post in case I forgot.

Cheers
Garrett.