PDA

View Full Version : Jokes [warning: taste level varies]



Pages : 1 2 3 [4]

Adamski
16-02-2013, 10:18 PM
Garrett's update of an old joke is worth a LOL!

Garrett
22-02-2013, 06:32 PM
I asked my GF to bring me a newspaper.

"Don't be silly' she replied, borrow my iPad.

The spider never knew what friggin hit it !!

Garrett
08-03-2013, 07:01 AM
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms/hr. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph. 'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

Adamski
08-03-2013, 09:08 PM
Another nice old joke modernised by Garrett. Just a change of Pope is all that's needed to update it!

machomortensen
12-03-2013, 03:05 PM
A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong,the ship sinks,and there were only 3 survivors : Gilligan, the Skipper and Mary Ann. They manage to swim to a tiny desert isle. They live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do…..After several years of casual sex, Mary Ann felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing.
She felt having sex with both Gilligan and the Skipper was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but both Gilligan and the Skipper managed to get through it, and, after awhile nature once more took it’s inevitable course……….
Well,a couple more years went by and Gilligan and the Skipper began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


So they buried her....

machomortensen
12-03-2013, 03:58 PM
Dictionary for Decoding Women´s Personal Ads:

40-ish ............................ 49
Adventurous .......Slept with everyone
Athletic .................. No breasts
Average looking ................ Moooo
Beautiful ...........Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure ..... On medication
Feminist ......................... Fat
Free spirit ................... Junkie
Friendship first ......... Former slut
New-Age ......Hair in the wrong places
Old-Fashioned ................. No BJs
Open-minded ................ Desperate
Outgoing ....... Loud and Embarrassing
Professional ................... Bitch
Voluptuous .................. Very Fat
Hugh frame ................ Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate .............. Stalker

WOMEN´S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You´ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you´re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You´re certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN´S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let´s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I´d like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I´d like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I´d like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I´d like to have sex with you.
11. I don´t think those shoes go with that outfit - I´m gay

machomortensen
13-03-2013, 04:33 AM
Customer Service

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re- booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I´ll be happy to try to help you, but, I´ve got to help these folks first, and I´m sure we´ll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "**** You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, I´m sorry sir, you´ll have to get in line for that too.

Capablanca-Fan
13-03-2013, 11:08 PM
I asked my GF to bring me a newspaper.

"Don't be silly' she replied, borrow my iPad.

The spider never knew what friggin hit it !!
Heh, thought of Garrett's joke when Mrs Jono shared this clip:

UR4mlLiyjYo&feature=youtube_gdata_player

machomortensen
14-03-2013, 05:03 AM
I know a few who would like this one...

A Leeds Fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It´s my first wife´s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Leeds fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Leeds fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my dress" But even two pillows & 1 dress could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.


"Please tie the Scouser to my back."

machomortensen
14-03-2013, 03:06 PM
Sorry if this one has been here before.

I don´t understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute I´ve given up beer and you haven´t given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that´s what the beer was for!"

Capablanca-Fan
15-03-2013, 02:57 AM
Mrs Jono just sent me this:

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed.. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up
to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The
wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible.."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

************ ********* ********* ********* **

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Geelong Grizzle
26-03-2013, 07:32 PM
Three Aussie men - Tom, Dick and Harry - are working on a mobile phone tower.
Harry slips, falls and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Dick says, "Well, someone has to go and tell Harry's wife."
Tom says, "OK, I'm pretty good at the sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Dick asks: "Where'd you get the grog?"
"Harry's wife gave it to me," Tom replies.
"That's unbelievable. You told her her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"
"Well, not exactly," Tom says.
"When she answered the door, I said to her, 'you must be Harry's widow.' She said, 'You're mistaken, I'm not a widow.'
"So I said: "I'll bet you a case of beer you are."

Adamski
26-03-2013, 08:59 PM
An atheist is bring chased by a bear. He yells out "oh God!" God replies "Here I am, the God whose existence you have been vainly trying to disprove all these years. But because I am a charitable God I will grant you one wish." The atheist thinks quickly and asks "Please make that bear a Christian." Then the bear puts his hands together in prayer snd says: 'For what I am about to receive may the Lord make me truly thankful.'
A good one for CMI meetings, Jono! (And liked your wife's Ipad v paper clip [Lol re last 2 words]).

Capablanca-Fan
16-04-2013, 12:35 PM
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, and frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

antichrist
16-04-2013, 12:47 PM
Jono I wonder if we can create on out of: capitalists will sell the last rope to hang the last capitalist with (however it goes)

give me a hand on this as must run shortly

maybe it is made round to go round (the neck that is ha ha)

Elliott Renzies
16-04-2013, 08:22 PM
I know a few who would like this one...

"Please tie the Scouser to my back."

haha good one! :clap:

machomortensen
22-05-2013, 05:27 AM
This actually happened at Harvard University in april of this year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you´re saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"

"That´s correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn´t it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl´s face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, or rather implied, she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class...and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the professor´s reply was classic.... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn´t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

machomortensen
22-05-2013, 05:31 AM
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing!

The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn´t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn´t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn´t belong to them?" Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn´t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock? All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

machomortensen
23-05-2013, 03:20 AM
A Gisborne solo mum goes to WINZ to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" "10".

"10???" says the WINZ officer.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn´t that get confusing?"

"Naah ..." says the Gisborne irl "its great because if they are out playing
in the street I just have to shout "WAAYNE, YER DINNER´S READY" or "WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW" and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed WINZ
officer..

"That´s easy," says the single mum ... "I just use their surnames"

machomortensen
23-05-2013, 04:45 AM
OHHHHHH...

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.

"Top of the mornin´ to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They´re called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They´re for resting my balls on when I´m driving," says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

machomortensen
23-05-2013, 01:35 PM
A magician worked on a cruise ship.The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again There was only one problem: the captain´s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

Look, it´s not the same hat!" or "Look, he´s hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn´t do anything. It was, after all, the captain´s parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it... the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days... and then 3 days...

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said......

"OK, I give up. Where´s the f*cking ship?"

machomortensen
24-05-2013, 04:46 AM
DID THEY REALLY SAY SO??


"I´m rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?"
-Detroit Tiger Lou Whitaker, arriving in a stretch limo for a players´ union meeting during the 1994 baseball strike.

"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf

"There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, ´You never know.´"
-Pitcher Joaquin Andujar

"He´s the about the size of a lot of guys that size."
-Offensive coordinator Gary Crowton, on QB Cade McNown

"It´s almost like we have ESPN."
-Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together

"Tom."
-Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA´s Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name, 1966

"Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good."
-Tom Watt, ex-Maple Leaves coach (his team was not so good)

"I´m glad you´re doing this story on us and not on the WNBA. We´re so much prettier than all the other women in sports."
-Martina Hingis in Detour Magazine, 3/98 issue.

"He´s a guy who gets up at six o´clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
-Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota, 1996.

"He (Julio Cesar Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he´s bilingual, too."
-Don King, boxing promoter.

"Then I was skinnier. I hit it better, I putted better, and I could see better. Other than that, everything is the same."
-PGA Senior Tour player Homero Blancas.

"It´s basically the same, just darker."
-Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons, 1991

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
-Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator

machomortensen
24-05-2013, 05:59 AM
PURE DOCUMENTARY...

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up
and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant
watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde
passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit
in the back. The blonde replies "I´m blonde, I´m beautiful, I´m going to
Melbourne and I´m staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that
belongs in Economy and won´t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back
to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy
she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and
return to her original seat. The blonde replies, "I´m blonde, I´m
beautiful, I´m going to Melbourne and I´m staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman that won´t listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she´s
blonde? I´ll handle this, I´m married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I´m
sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy
section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what
he said to make her move without any fuss. The Pilot replied I told her
First Class isn´t going to Melbourne".

machomortensen
24-05-2013, 02:20 PM
BLONDES...

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn´t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck´s going on up here? We´re having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH, BUT YOU´VE GOT A DRIVER!

machomortensen
25-05-2013, 05:13 PM
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict´s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you´re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you´re ugly."

machomortensen
25-05-2013, 08:41 PM
UPS...


It´s Saturday morning and Bob´s just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl´s voice.

"Hi, honey, it´s Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She´s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven´t got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he´s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here´s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car´s just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she´s all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he´s dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039

Adamski
25-05-2013, 11:30 PM
PURE DOCUMENTARY...

[overquoting snipped-mod].
That one is a good laugh, Henrik!

road runner
26-05-2013, 04:44 PM
Three sons left home and prospered in life. When getting back together they discussed their success and the great gifts they were able to buy their elderly mother.

“The first son said, “I sent mom a Mercedes.”

The second son said, “I bought mom a mansion.”

The third son smirked and said, “I’ve got you both BEAT! Remember how mom liked reading the Bible when we were young? And you know she can’t see very well anymore?… Well, I sent her an AMAZING parrot that recites the ENTIRE Bible! It took elders in the church 12 years to teach this parrot. He’s one of a kind!! Mom now just has to name the verse and BAM… the parrot recites it!”

Soon after this meeting of the sons, mom sent out her thank you letters.

“Andy,” she wrote, “the house you built is so big and even though I live in one room, I still have to clean the whole house.”

“John,” she wrote, “I am too old to travel and spend most of my time at home, so I never use the Mercedes.

“Mark,” she wrote to her third son, “You are my favorite son. You have such good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was simply delicious!!”

machomortensen
26-05-2013, 04:50 PM
BLONDES...

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y´all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now,” he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It´s a profile of his face! You´re dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn´t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man´s face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You´re excused also!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but.." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right,
did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You´re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, DUH! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can´t wear glasses!"

Adamski
27-05-2013, 07:31 AM
The last 2 jokes are pretty funny, especially RR's.

machomortensen
29-05-2013, 04:59 AM
A man and his wife walked into a dentist´s office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I´m in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it´s 9:30 already. I don´t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."

machomortensen
01-06-2013, 04:52 PM
KIDS...

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What´s the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"


0-0-0

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don´t ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don´t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don´t smoke or drink
8. Don´t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don´t want to wear your clothes
10. Don´t need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

machomortensen
03-06-2013, 01:49 PM
HEHE...

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don´t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I´m exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald´s and asks the counter girl the very same question

The girl replies, "I´d guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I´m 50."

Now she´s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I´d say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I´m 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I´m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won´t get mad?"

"I promise I won´t." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald´s."

machomortensen
04-06-2013, 06:06 AM
TJAH...

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee´s home phone number and was greeted with a child´s whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

" Yes ."

"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee´s home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he´s busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME

Garrett
07-06-2013, 11:32 AM
SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. Yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

New Book
A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?" She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

Poor Lance Armstrong -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.


The Agony of Ageing
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my ageing friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's only about bloody golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.


EASYJET
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your fecking plane"

machomortensen
09-06-2013, 06:33 PM
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED...

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don´t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000, tux rental-$100 . People never stare at your chest when you´re talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don´t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

machomortensen
10-06-2013, 03:52 AM
SURPRISING...

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ´You died in your sleep, Ralph.´

Ralph was stunned. ´I´m dead? No, I can´t be! I´ve got too much to live for. Send me back!´

St. Peter said, ´I´m sorry, but there´s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.´

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. ´So, you´re the new hen, huh? How´s your first day here?´

´Not bad,´ replied Ralph the hen, ´but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I´m gonna explode!´

´You´re ovulating,´ explained the rooster. ´Don ´t tell me you´ve never laid an egg before?´

´Never,´ said Ralph.

´Well, just relax and let it happen,´ says the rooster. ´It´s no big deal.´

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....

´Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You´re shitting in the bed!´

Redmond Barry
10-06-2013, 05:17 AM
that reminded me of the movie 'trainspotting'.

keep up the good work macho m. :)

Capablanca-Fan
10-06-2013, 03:22 PM
There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir,I'm a Jehovah's Witness ..."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."

machomortensen
11-06-2013, 04:49 PM
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer´s field on the other side of the fence.

As the lawyer was climbing over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I´m going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, This is my property, and you´re not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied, "I´m one of the best trial lawyers in the United States - and if you don´t let me get my duck, I´ll sue you and take everything you own!"

The farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don´t know how we settle disputes here in Tennessee. We settle disagreements with the ´Three Kick Rule´. When the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times, then you kick me three times and so on until some one gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by local custom.

The old farmers´ first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyers groin, dropping him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyers last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on his knees when the farmers third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his energy and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, you old fart. Now it´s my turn."

The farmer said, "Nah, I give up. You keep the duck."

machomortensen
11-06-2013, 04:52 PM
Thanks Great Uncle.

Sometimes I have a "tuff" teacherjob and had to show Trainspotting for my older pupils... I really like that movie.

[And it's better than the australian "kidbrother" Pure Shit. Sorry about that.]

machomortensen
11-06-2013, 08:39 PM
PLEASURE...

A Greek family was considering putting their aged grandfather in a nursing home.

Unfortunately, all the Orthodox facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit their Pappou.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It´s wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We´re so Happy for you. We were worried that This was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There´s a musician here - he´s 85 years Old. He hasn´t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him "Maestro".

"There is a judge in here - he´s 95 years Old. He hasn´t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honour".

"And there´s a physician here that is 90 years Old. He hasn´t practiced
medicine for 35 years and everyone still calls him "Doctor".

"And me, I haven´t had sex for 40 years and they still call me ´The ****ing Greek".

road runner
11-08-2013, 04:32 PM
What is the collective term for many drug cheats?

A hird.

road runner
17-08-2013, 08:53 AM
A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The man thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after a Labor government balances the budget and eliminates the debt”.

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.

Capablanca-Fan
27-08-2013, 05:39 PM
A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The man thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after a Labor government balances the budget and eliminates the debt”.

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.
Very good! Posted on my Facebook wall and got a lot of "likes".

Capablanca-Fan
27-08-2013, 05:52 PM
To all my overseas family and friends: Come to Australia!
But beware: you might accidentally get killed; you're blood is bound to be spilled; with fear, your pants will be filled...
eNEeq5qGh8I

antichrist
27-08-2013, 06:47 PM
dont go to america jogging you will pick up more than a tailwind - ha ha

Capablanca-Fan
04-09-2013, 07:48 AM
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
Aesop—Greek slave and fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
Plato—ancient Greek philosopher
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
Nikita Khrushchev—Russian Soviet politician
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
John Quinton—American actor/writer
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor, and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
Oscar Ameringer—‘the Mark Twain of American Socialism’
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. AND
The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.
PJ O’Rourke—American comedian and writer
I offered my opponents a deal—“if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them”.
Adlai Stevenson—campaign speech, 1952
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
Texas Guinan—19th century American entrepreneur
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
Charles de Gaulle—French general and politician
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
Doug Larson—English middle distance runner, gold medallist 1924 Olympics
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
Variously attributed to Will Rogers and George Bernard Shaw

machomortensen
05-09-2013, 02:29 PM
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

antichrist
05-09-2013, 02:43 PM
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

haven't you heard of dead drunk - so you are wrong

machomortensen
07-09-2013, 07:21 AM
Little Davies´s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Davie asked, "Why didn´t you keep him when you took his picture?"

machomortensen
07-09-2013, 07:27 AM
Fuzzy about Numbers:
When a reporter asked Bush what he thought about his first hundred days in office he replied "Has it been a year already?

Coincidence or Medical Miracle?:
The discovery that Bush´s resting heart rate is 43 has led some observers to speculate that this is the first time we´ve had a president with a heart rate that matches his IQ.

From the mouth of babes:
Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents Johnny thought for a moment and said: "Well, George Washington couldn´t tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn´t tell the truth. And George W. Bush can´t tell the difference."

machomortensen
07-09-2013, 07:30 AM
An inebriated man, clearly enjoying his weekend off, walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.
"Get out," says the bartender. "I don´t serve drunks here".
The drunken man, acknowledges this fact, and staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink.
"I just told you to get out, didn´t I? Now LEAVE!"
The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink.
The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!".
The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs, "How many bars do you work at, anyway?"

machomortensen
07-09-2013, 04:47 PM
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Asda in Dundee with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you´ve got there-are they twins?"

The woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren´t! The oldest, he´s 9 and the younger one, she´s 7. Why the hell would you think they´re twins?..... Do you think they look alike, ya dickead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can´t believe anyone would shag you twice!"

antichrist
23-09-2013, 11:22 PM
The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. ' Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'.

machomortensen
03-10-2013, 07:32 AM
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.

Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

machomortensen
03-10-2013, 02:06 PM
A Pentecostal Minister was seated next to an Irishman on a flight to Dublin, Ireland.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a rum & coke, which was poured and placed before him....

The flight attendant then asked the Pentecostal Minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I´d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, Me too, I didn´t know we had a choice."

machomortensen
04-10-2013, 04:27 AM
We´ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You´re next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

machomortensen
04-10-2013, 06:20 AM
I KNOW HER...

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her....

"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said.

"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I´m not shooting myself in the chest."

"So, then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I´m not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So, then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

antichrist
04-10-2013, 12:59 PM
After living in Shanghai for 50 years a Chinese man decides to move to Australia.

He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about shit on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ' Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''

What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'travel agent man say to become true blue Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull shit.'

machomortensen
04-10-2013, 02:24 PM
A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there´s a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.

At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he´s sent to the electric chair.

On the day of his execution he´s sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish....

"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"

"Yes", answers the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he´s eaten it.

When the man´s finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can´t believe it.

"Can I go then?", the man asks.

"I suppose so", says the executioner, "that´s never happened before".

The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.

The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.

Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.

The executioner can´t believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.

The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What´s your final wish?", asks the executioner.

"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up", says the executioner, "I don´t understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It´s something to do with that green banana isn´t it", he asked.

”Nahh" said the bloke, "I´m just a really bad conductor"

Igor_Goldenberg
06-10-2013, 01:08 AM
:lol::lol::lol::lol:

antichrist
07-10-2013, 06:56 AM
Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'

Capablanca-Fan
14-10-2013, 03:02 PM
Lexiphile is a word used to describe those who have a love for words, such as:
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three year old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
A bicycle can’t stand alone, it’s two tired.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture - a jab well done.

Rincewind
14-10-2013, 03:24 PM
My favourite is the one about the optometrist who got caught in his own lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.

machomortensen
21-10-2013, 07:02 AM
Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a
Table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Pat: - I reckon he´s an accountant.

Seamus: - No way - he´s a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain´t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn´t come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - ´Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I´m a Logical Scientist by profession

Pat: - Oh? What´s that then?

Suit: - I´ll try to explain by example ...... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Er ... mmm .......... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it´s logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It´s in a pond!

Suit: - Well it´s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it´s logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - As it happens I´ve got a five bedroom house ......... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you´ve built a five bedroom house it´s logical
to assume that you haven´t built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married? And with a family?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don´t masturbate very often?

Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That´s logical science at work!

Pat: - How´s that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I´ve told you
about your sex life!

Pat: - I see! That´s pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat: - Yep! He´s a logical scientist!

Seamus: - What´s that then?

Pat: - I´ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Seamus: - Nope

Pat: - Well then, you´re a wanker.

machomortensen
21-10-2013, 02:15 PM
A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you´re having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

Capablanca-Fan
16-11-2013, 03:45 PM
"Know any jokes about sodium?"
"Na"

Rincewind
16-11-2013, 05:29 PM
"Know any jokes about sodium?"
"Na"

What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't curium then you barium.

road runner
29-11-2013, 06:04 AM
oCjwhyBVgAQ

machomortensen
29-11-2013, 06:49 AM
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn´t run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain´t empty."

machomortensen
29-11-2013, 06:30 PM
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It´s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I´d locked the house with both house and car keys in side and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people.

All the time, the darn phone was ringing of f the hook." He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

machomortensen
15-12-2013, 06:14 PM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the early gates.

´In honour of this holy season´ Saint Peter said, ´You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.´

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ´It´s a candle´, he said.

´You may pass through the pearly gates´ Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ´They´re bells.´

Saint Peter said ´You may pass through the pearly gates´.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women´s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ´And just what do those symbolize?´

The paddy replied, ´These are Carols!´

antichrist
15-12-2013, 08:14 PM
Moments ago I just asked my partner's mum if she was wearing a t-back, she didn't know what I was talking about - lucky I am

Dats why I am often in trouble

Garrett
16-12-2013, 02:37 PM
Proof that Men Have Better Friends.

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man
called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her
husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there

Capablanca-Fan
22-12-2013, 06:53 AM
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

antichrist
22-12-2013, 05:45 PM
reminds me those priests who hold out the cross to rid folk of demons

machomortensen
03-01-2014, 08:01 AM
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

Garrett
17-01-2014, 07:40 AM
Banta Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai , the other in Canada and I'm here in London . When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

Banta Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss."

Banta Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... "Oh, no,"

He said, "Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is . .

I have quit drinking"!!!

Rincewind
19-01-2014, 11:02 AM
Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?

A: Trick question. You can't cross a scalar with a vector.

machomortensen
24-01-2014, 07:23 AM
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."...

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up".

He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don´t they?!

road runner
01-02-2014, 08:55 AM
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Igor_Goldenberg
09-02-2014, 12:47 PM
Watching women' figure skating reminded me of a joke:

Husband watches women figure skating and says, dreamily:
"I'd gladly perform a free program with this one. "
His wife, making a bed:
"Let's see how you perform a compulsory program tonight".

Btw, sometime ago "compulsory" program was renamed (or merged into) "short" program, which is as funny.

machomortensen
26-03-2014, 07:22 AM
."Wayne Rooney said 'we have to give 150%'.
And I thought 'No, no, no Wayne, that's impossible, you can't give more than 100%'. How do you explain something like that to a guy like Wayne Rooney...
'Alright Wayne, imagine that you have two hookers in your hotel room, and you try to **** three of them'."

(Patrick Kielty)

Capablanca-Fan
26-03-2014, 08:47 AM
SIGNS of the times:

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, At Your Cervix."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "We'll Be Back in 5 Minutes. Sit ! Stay !"
On a plastic surgeon's door: "Hello! Can We Pick Your Nose?"
At a propane filling station: "Tank Heaven for Little Grills."
At a Chicago radiator shop: "Best Place in Town to Take a Leak."
On a fence: "Salesmen are Welcome. Dog Food is Expensive."
On a maternity room door: "Push! Push! Push!"
On a taxidermist's window: "We Really Know Our Stuff!"
At a car dealership: "Best Way to Get Back on Your Feet: Miss a Car Payment."
At a towing company: "We Don't Charge an Arm and a Leg. We Just Want Tows."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time Wounds All Heels."
On an electrician's truck: "Let Us Remove Your Shorts."
On a proctologist's door: "To Expedite Your Visit, Please Back In."

machomortensen
05-04-2014, 05:25 AM
Out of office messages

1 // I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply
to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.


2 // You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of
the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.


3 // Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain
and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.


4 // I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I
return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the
order it was received.


5 // Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99
for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.


6 // The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your
message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.


7 // Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing
system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.


8 // Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by
your PC for my response.


9 // I've run away to join a different circus.


10 // I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Kate' instead of Dave.

Capablanca-Fan
01-05-2014, 12:53 PM
Jewish joke of the day...back to the USSR...
An elderly man is sitting on a Moscow park bench studying a Hebrew book. A KGB agent approaches and says, "What is that strange writing?"
"This is Hebrew," the man replies. "It's the language of Israel."
The KGB man says, "Don't be silly. At your age, you will never get to emigrate to Israel."
"Maybe not," says the old man. "But Hebrew is also the language they speak in heaven."
"Ha! What makes you think you will be going to heaven?"
The old man replied, "Well, maybe I won't, but I already know Russian."

Adamski
02-05-2014, 10:01 AM
Jewish joke of the day...back to the USSR...
An elderly man is sitting on a Moscow park bench studying a Hebrew book. A KGB agent approaches and says, "What is that strange writing?"
"This is Hebrew," the man replies. "It's the language of Israel."
The KGB man says, "Don't be silly. At your age, you will never get to emigrate to Israel."
"Maybe not," says the old man. "But Hebrew is also the language they speak in heaven."
"Ha! What makes you think you will be going to heaven?"
The old man replied, "Well, maybe I won't, but I already know Russian."Worth a LOL, Capa-Fan!

Capablanca-Fan
02-05-2014, 10:32 AM
In the GULag:

How long are you in for?
Twenty years.

What did you do?
Nothing.

Nonsense. The sentence for nothing is only ten years.

machomortensen
28-05-2014, 05:40 AM
HEHE...

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

...The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feel my Biceping she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I´m the goalie!"

machomortensen
30-05-2014, 02:19 PM
A guy comes into a restaurant and sits at a table. A waiter:
- Would you like something to drink, sir?
- No, thanks, I tried once, didn’t really like it…
- I see. Would you like a cigar, then?
- No, thanks, I tried once, didn’t really like it… and actually, I am waiting here for my son.
- I see, sir. I suppose your son is the only child in the family?.

machomortensen
31-05-2014, 04:29 AM
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.'

..."Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn´t run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain´t empty."

machomortensen
08-06-2014, 05:12 AM
John O´Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here´s to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here´s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John´s drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he´s only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".

MichaelBaron
15-06-2014, 03:03 PM
Aalia Bhat gets a job as a physical education teacher for 16 –18 year olds.

First day in school, she notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

‘ Are you ok?’ she asks.

‘Yes,’ he replies.

‘You can go and play with the other kids, you know,’ she says.

‘It’s best I stay here,’ he says.

‘Why’s that, sweetie?’ asks Aalia Bhat

The boy looks at her incredulously and says: “Because I’m the Goal Keeper”

FIFA SPECIAL BY ALIA BHATT

MichaelBaron
15-06-2014, 03:07 PM
Little Boy Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected? His Father: Everyone will have what he needs. Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat? His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

machomortensen
22-06-2014, 03:21 PM
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don´t know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . "Go get your mother."

MichaelBaron
25-06-2014, 11:58 AM
A soccer joke (a bit silly, but reflects events at the world cup)
Q: Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
A: Cinderella wanted to get to the ball

MichaelBaron
25-06-2014, 12:38 PM
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

road runner
18-07-2014, 07:42 PM
Why did the banana go to the doctor?

Because it wasn't peeling well.

Redmond Barry
19-07-2014, 11:36 AM
Q: Why is your Mum like a Big Mac?

A: Because she's full of fat and only worth a buck.

george
21-07-2014, 09:55 PM
Just saw this on Facebook made me chuckle!

When people tell me "you're going to regret that in the morning".
I sleep in till noon because I'm a problem solver.

MichaelBaron
22-07-2014, 02:05 PM
Q: Why is your Mum like a Big Mac?

A: Because she's full of fat and only worth a buck.

Taste level for the jokes here indeed varies...

Rincewind
22-07-2014, 03:09 PM
Unlike the uniformly low taste level of Big Macs?

Redmond Barry
22-07-2014, 04:40 PM
Taste level for the jokes here indeed varies...

I am sorry Michael.

Next time I will make dick joke instead.

Regards,
Nintendo.

antichrist
22-08-2014, 06:38 PM
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.



After a long night of making love, the guy
notices a photo of another man, on the woman's
night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.
Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his
ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,
hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear
That's me before the surgery

road runner
22-08-2014, 06:48 PM
George Pell's morality.

antichrist
22-08-2014, 08:03 PM
and there were those allegations of Big George, that was no laughing matter

antichrist
26-08-2014, 03:58 PM
Italian Girl Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.’

‘I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him.

"You-a gonna try again!"
----------------------------------------------------

antichrist
15-09-2014, 09:31 PM
A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
"If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go?"
The woman was angry and said,
"No! Go away you filthy old bastard."
The tramp turned to leave and said,
"No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

antichrist
15-09-2014, 09:33 PM
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old
Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image
staring back at him.

'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go
there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed,
'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'

Capablanca-Fan
20-09-2014, 01:20 AM
That was a good one, AC!

antichrist
22-09-2014, 04:48 PM
Einstein & Mr.Bean sitting next to each other on a long flight..
Einstein says, “Let’s play a game.. I will ask you a question, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5 and if I don’t know the answer,I will pay you $500..”

Einstein asks the first question:
What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon..?
Mr.Bean doesn't say a word, reaches his pocket, pulls out a $5..
Now, it’s Mr.Bean’s turn..
He asks Einstein: What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down on 4 legs..?
Einstein searches the net and asks all his smart friends..
After an hour he gives Mr.Bean $500..

Einstein going nuts and asks: Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four..?
Mr.Bean reaches his pocket and gives Einstein $5

antichrist
22-09-2014, 04:50 PM
There was a small church in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts
and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week! The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....

'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday.

machomortensen
29-09-2014, 02:15 PM
Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn´t have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What´s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don´t know, but I´ve never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let´s have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what´s wrong with that group ahead of us? They´re rather slow, aren´t they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That´s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That´s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I´m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there´s anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can´t they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain´t broke, don´t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain´t broke, it doesn´t have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I´ll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I´ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I´ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I´ve told you I´m a beautiful princess and that I´ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won´t you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I´m an engineer. I don´t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that´s cool."

antichrist
30-09-2014, 10:10 PM
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students

The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter Than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy and oval'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubblegum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog Does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade,..................... I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

machomortensen
04-10-2014, 07:08 AM
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There´s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.'

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma´am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I´d better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard borders on the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there´s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what´s in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of ´em pays up!"

machomortensen
06-10-2014, 03:49 AM
SHIT HAPPENS...

Last week was my birthday and I didn´t feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ´Happy Birthday!´, and possibly have a small present for me.

...As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ´ Happy Birthday.´

I thought... Well, that´s marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn´t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, ´Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ´

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o´clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, ´You know, It´s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.´

I said, ´Thanks, Jane, that´s the greatest thing I´ve heard all day. Let´s go !´

We went to lunch. But we didn´t go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, ´You know, It´s such a beautiful day... We don´t need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?´

I responded, ´I guess not. What do you have in mind ?´

She said, ´Let´s drop by my apartment, it´s just around the corner.´

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ´ Boss, if you don´t mind, I´m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I´ll be right back.´

´Ok.´ I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ´Happy Birthday´.

And I just sat there...

On the couch.

Naked...

MichaelBaron
08-10-2014, 05:03 PM
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There´s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.'

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma´am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I´d better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard borders on the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there´s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what´s in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of ´em pays up!"

Haha, have not heard this one before!

road runner
13-10-2014, 08:27 AM
First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Nevermind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."

antichrist
13-10-2014, 02:34 PM
First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Nevermind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."

at a guess, due to different time zones or during travel a birthday was missed? or being out of the moons gravitational forces biological functions are out of kilter

Capablanca-Fan
15-10-2014, 01:12 AM
Mitt Romney told a joke in Iowa recently (http://www.nationaljournal.com/politics/mitt-romney-told-an-obama-joke-in-iowa-here-it-is-20141013):

"President Obama went to the bank to cash a check and he didn't have his ID. And the teller said you've got to prove who you are.

"He said, 'How should I do that?' She said the other day Phil Mickelson came in, he didn't have his ID but he set up a little cup on the ground, took a golf ball, putted it right into that cup so they knew it was Phil Mickelson. They cashed his check.

"And then Andre Agassi came in. And Andre Agassi didn't have his ID either. He put a little target on the wall, took a tennis ball and racquet — hit it onto that target time. We knew that was Andre Agassi so we cashed his check.

"And she said to him, 'Is there anything you can do to prove who you are?' And [Obama] said, 'I don't have a clue.'

"And she said, 'Well, Mr. President, do you want your money in small bills or large bills?'"

Adamski
15-10-2014, 07:21 AM
I had a good laigh at CF's joke immediately above.

antichrist
15-10-2014, 11:46 AM
Oh the Bar Conversations !!

Two Australians were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the first Australian says to the second,

"If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?”

The second Australian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.


Finally, he says,
"Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it'd make us even."

Rincewind
15-10-2014, 03:19 PM
So is Romney running or what? There is only one reason politicians like Romney find themselves doing their Obama material in Iowa.

James Peirce
16-10-2014, 09:27 AM
On QI
Stephen Fry:Whats the collective noun for a group of Baboons?
Rich Hall :The Pentagon

Capablanca-Fan
17-10-2014, 06:00 AM
21 Intellectual jokes? (http://veryviral.com/21-jokes-so-clever-that-you-probably-wont-get-them-definitely-wont-get-them/)

machomortensen
21-10-2014, 03:01 AM
"A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I´m still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you´ve been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he´d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn´t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn´t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn´t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I´ve married you, I´m really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You´re a lawyer. This time I know I´m going to get screwed!"

MichaelBaron
21-10-2014, 08:12 PM
I had a good laigh at CF's joke immediately above.

I would like to thank him for posting tyhe joke

road runner
26-10-2014, 08:47 AM
How do you know if someone's a vegan?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

antichrist
26-10-2014, 09:32 AM
How do you know if someone's a vegan?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

I remember a Friends of the Earth person brought he dog up as a vegetarian, but she later found that when took dog near fowl house it went crazy eating them. Maybe because the dog was not actually a confirmed or certified vegetarian.

Rincewind
26-10-2014, 05:30 PM
I remember a Friends of the Earth person brought he dog up as a vegetarian, but she later found that when took dog near fowl house it went crazy eating them. Maybe because the dog was not actually a confirmed or certified vegetarian.

Probably not much to do with the vegetarian upbringing. Just the dog's prey drive which varies across breeds and individuals.

Capablanca-Fan
29-10-2014, 01:20 PM
4 friends meet 30 years after school....
One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says his son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari. No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet. No. 3 said his son became an engineer, started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.
No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.
They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked him about his son. He said his son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar. The other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.
"Oh no !! " said the father, he is doing good." Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends..." .
All the other 3 fathers fainted...

antichrist
31-10-2014, 09:45 AM
TOO MUCH SEX

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar
last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."



His buddy says: "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
I just don't know what to do."



A fellow about my age (75+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

"Marry her..............That'll put a stop to that shit."

machomortensen
09-11-2014, 08:21 PM
Morris and his wife Ester went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ´Ester, I´d like to ride in that helicopter.

´Esther always replied, ´I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars´

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ´Esther, I´m 85 years old. If I don´t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.´
To this, Esther replied, ´Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.´

The pilot overheard the couple and said, ´Folks I´ll make you a deal. I´ll take the both of you for a ride.

If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won´t charge you! But if you say one word, it´s fifty dollars.´

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fan cy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ´By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn´t. I´m impressed!´

Morris replied, ´Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ester fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!´

antichrist
10-11-2014, 09:31 PM
Subject: Food Survey

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.


The only question asked was:-


"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"



The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Adamski
11-11-2014, 07:26 AM
Lol, AC. Especially the end. All of tge many callers we get telling us we have a problem with our Windows computer have Indian accents.I like my wife's regular response: which conputer? We are on the Do Not Call register but that does not work despite several renewals.

antichrist
11-11-2014, 08:14 AM
Lol, AC. Especially the end. All of tge many callers we get telling us we have a problem with our Windows computer have Indian accents.I like my wife's regular response: which conputer? We are on the Do Not Call register but that does not work despite several renewals.

I always tell them that my mum or someone just died and yell out crying - they get off quick smart

Kevin Bonham
11-11-2014, 09:56 AM
Lol, AC. Especially the end. All of tge many callers we get telling us we have a problem with our Windows computer have Indian accents.I like my wife's regular response: which conputer? We are on the Do Not Call register but that does not work despite several renewals.

Of course it doesn't work. The Do Not Call register just makes it illegal to call someone; it doesn't actually physically prevent such calls being made. A caller who is attempting to gain access to a computer under false pretenses (which is basically what those people are up to) isn't going to balk at making an illegal phone call.

I generally call them lying scammers and then hang up.

antichrist
11-11-2014, 10:02 AM
A lot of call centres moved to Philipines rather than India due to the perception of Indians calling making a nuisance. The Filipina voice is more pleasant of course, to me anyway.

antichrist
13-12-2014, 09:15 PM
President Obama went over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for
dinner at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of beer, he asked his host if he
could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Bill Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished
to see that Clinton had a golden urinal .. Wow!

The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal
in Clinton 's private lavatory. "Just think,' he said,'maybe I
should get a gold urinal too. But on the other hand I think that
it may be just a bit too self-indulgent... even for a guy like me!"

Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary she told
Hillary how impressed her husband had been at his discovering
that Bill had a gold urinal in his private bathroom.

Later that day, when Bill got home,Hillary smiled and said to Bill:
"I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

antichrist
16-12-2014, 09:10 AM
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots......
Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

----------------------------------------------------
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern Europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sailing results are in: GB took gold, the USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart;
'what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Capablanca-Fan
19-12-2014, 04:29 PM
I wouldn't want to see AC banned totally, because he posts some good ones here.

Kevin Bonham
19-12-2014, 05:13 PM
bit off colour worse ones coming if no protest

Consider this advance warning to be careful.

antichrist
19-12-2014, 08:36 PM
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Polar bears are left-handed.


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

Kevin Bonham
19-12-2014, 08:40 PM
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

Sounds like not so much a joke but pseudoscientific rubbish to me. Wouldn't be surprised if some of the others were dodgy too.

antichrist
19-12-2014, 09:54 PM
Sounds like not so much a joke but pseudoscientific rubbish to me. Wouldn't be surprised if some of the others were dodgy too.

I would guess that maybe apes also did for pleasure? I don't vouch for any of them

Rincewind
19-12-2014, 11:31 PM
Certainly if the definition of sex for pleasure is "sex without the intention of reproduction" then bonobos at least would have to be included and well possibly as some other mammals.

For most animals the effort of attracting a mate and mating involves the expenditure of energy and other resources and so usually there is a real cost to the activity and you do not want to waste those resources. However for some cooperative species (like humans, dolphins and bonobos) sex serves a social function beyond reproduction and since the social structure allows a pooling of resources in excess of what the individual can produce on their own the benefits of social sex outweigh the costs.

Redmond Barry
20-12-2014, 12:21 AM
Certainly if the definition of sex for pleasure is "sex without the intention of reproduction" then bonobos at least would have to be included and well possibly as some other mammals.

For most animals the effort of attracting a mate and mating involves the expenditure of energy and other resources and so usually there is a real cost to the activity and you do not want to waste those resources. However for some cooperative species (like humans, dolphins and bonobos) sex serves a social function beyond reproduction and since the social structure allows a pooling of resources in excess of what the individual can produce on their own the benefits of social sex outweigh the costs.

What would you say is happening when a blue heeler humps someones leg ?

Is it really trying its best to be social and strike up a meaningful friendship ?

Capablanca-Fan
20-12-2014, 01:11 AM
Sounds like not so much a joke but pseudoscientific rubbish to me. Wouldn't be surprised if some of the others were dodgy too.

Yes, e.g. “The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.” It is not. If strength were roughly proportional to mass, then they more or less cancel, so we would expect them to jump to about the same absolute, not relative, length and height.

“Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.” Is a blue whale not an animal?

“The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.” Easy enough to disprove: try moving the tongue out or upwards at maximum exertion against your finger resisting.

But these ones seem right:

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
A cat's urine glows under a black light. [But so does human urine, albeit not as much as cat pee]
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. [the nine days is spurious precision but both head and body can survive for days (http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fact-or-fiction-cockroach-can-live-without-head/)]

antichrist
20-12-2014, 02:58 AM
What about the pig - or is that non-kosher or jealousy or just making a pig of itself (why did not bubbles think of that last one)

antichrist
20-12-2014, 03:14 AM
The last of them


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Rincewind
20-12-2014, 09:13 AM
What would you say is happening when a blue heeler humps someones leg ?

I should have clarified that I was referring to sexual acts between different-sex members of the same species.

antichrist
20-12-2014, 09:25 AM
What would you say is happening when a blue heeler humps someones leg ?

?

I remember it was EE who came up with classic to describe my presence haha

Capablanca-Fan
25-12-2014, 12:59 PM
An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.

"Bartender! A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"

Everyone except the Jewish man receives a glass of premium scotch.

The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.

The Jew smiles back.

The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.

"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"

He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."

The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.

Furious, the anti-semite says to the bartender, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"

"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

Capablanca-Fan
09-01-2015, 02:40 AM
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work

Rincewind
09-01-2015, 10:12 AM
What happened when the optician got caught in his lens grinder?
He made a spectacle of himself.

Capablanca-Fan
09-01-2015, 02:19 PM
Ikea's ad for a bookbook mocking Apple (http://fortafydaily.com/post/ikeas-incredibly-mockery-of-apple-i-can-not-stop-laughing-this-takes-the-prize-as-the-years-best-advertising)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOXQo7nURs0

antichrist
09-01-2015, 08:00 PM
What happened when the optician got caught in his lens grinder?
He made a spectacle of himself.

And what happened when the bullshit artist slipped in the bullshit?

Capablanca-Fan
29-01-2015, 04:18 AM
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won't open.”

Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer really screwed up now.”

antichrist
23-02-2015, 02:37 PM
A small boy named Ariel lived in a village in Israel,
None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Ariel!!!!!"

One day Ariel's mother came into school to check on how he was doing.

The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!

The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable heart disease! The doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform.

Left with no other option, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Ariel, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his vacuum cleaner!

Don't tell me you thought that Ariel became a doctor, bullshit!?!

antichrist
23-02-2015, 02:44 PM
Subject: FW: 50 SHADES OF GREY, SNR'S VERSION

BY PAM AYRES [not really - mod]


The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;......
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

Rincewind
23-02-2015, 10:25 PM
There is no way Pam Ayres wrote that. She is much wittier and less crude. See...

Y4oydSZTAns

Kevin Bonham
23-02-2015, 11:06 PM
A google search (that AC could have performed himself if he cared less about correct attribution) shows that Ayers has explicitly denied authorship and the poem was apparently actually written by someone called John Summers.

antichrist
24-02-2015, 05:45 PM
A google search (that AC could have performed himself if he cared less about correct attribution) shows that Ayers has explicitly denied authorship and the poem was apparently actually written by someone called John Summers.

I have no idea about whole thing, no idea what 50 shades is about, I am a chess freak remember. As stated in title- just passing on for amusement and irritable bowel purposes I had not idea it was even crude. but now I actually read it sounds hilarious

machomortensen
15-03-2015, 10:12 PM
I'M SORRY...
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O´Leary´s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses 500 Euro on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O´Conner looks around and asks, ´Oh, me boys, someone got´s to tell Paddy´s wife. Who will it be?´
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don´t make a bad situation any worse.
´Discreet??? I´m the most discreet Irishmen you´ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.´
Gallagher goes over to Murphy´s house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares,´Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.´
´Tell him to drop dead!´, says Murphy´s wife.
´I´ll go tell him.´ says Gallagher.

Geelong Grizzle
17-03-2015, 02:21 AM
A large group of people were waiting to enter Heaven when God appeared and said: "I want the men to make two lines: one line for the men who were true heads of their household and another for the men who were dominated by their women. And I want all the women to report to St Peter over there."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was incredibly long, while the line of men who truly were heads of their household consisted of only one man.
God turned to the long line. "I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Only one has obeyed my command. Learn from him."
God turned to the solitary man and asked, "My son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
In a soft voice the man replied: "My wife told me to stand here."

Bereaved
17-03-2015, 10:34 AM
I bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night. It took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

Take care and God Bless, Bereaved

antichrist
17-03-2015, 07:57 PM
I bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night. It took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

Take care and God Bless, Bereaved

Bet her abs etc were in better shape

road runner
18-03-2015, 06:29 PM
"Hey, I remembered all 20 letters of the alphabet."
"There are 26."
"Yeah, I forgot U R A Q T."
"That's only 25."
"I know. You'll get the D later."

Geelong Grizzle
19-03-2015, 04:40 AM
FRED worked in a sawmill and one day he cut off his arm.
They put it in a plastic bag, put it in ice and rushed it and Fred to the hospital.
The next day Fred's boss rang his wife to see how he was.
"He's fine. He's playing tennis with the surgeon."
"But he lost an arm yesterday?" said the boss.
"Wonders of modern medicine," said the wife.
A week later, Fred was at work again and cut off his leg.
It was put in a plastic bag, put on ice and was rushed to hospital with Fred.
The boss rang his wife the next day to see how Fred was going.
"Fine. He's playing golf with the surgeon."
"But he lost his leg only yesterday?"
"Wonders of modern medicine."
A week later, Fred was at work and he cut off his head.
Staff at the sawmill did exactly what they did for his arm and his leg.
The next day Fred's boss rang his wife to see how he was.
"He's dead," she said.
"But what happened to the miracles of modern medicine?" he asked.
"Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

antichrist
06-04-2015, 07:33 PM
Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much....I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again.
Regards, Alan.


THE ACTIONS
Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:-


THE REPLY
Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan.

road runner
12-04-2015, 07:24 PM
What do Jeremy Clarkson and Amy Winehouse have in common?

They both used to be on top gear.

antichrist
12-04-2015, 09:34 PM
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.

Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while,
Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over..

'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom.
So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'

machomortensen
29-04-2015, 02:35 PM
"A guy gets on a long-distance flight. He's just getting comfortable when somebody sits down next to him. He looks up and wow, it's Garry Kasparov. Kasparov basks for a moment in the recognition. Some way into the flight, the meals are cleared away and Garry produces an elegant little wooden travel chess set. He begins to play. After a while Kasparov asks the guy whether he would like to play chess to kill time. The guy replies, "Hey Garry, You think I don't know who you are? I can't compete with a world champion." Kasparov replies, "'How about if I play left handed?" The guy thinks about this for a minute, then agrees. He is demolished in 8 moves, and is inconsolable for the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend, who asks him how the flight was. "It was terrible," he says. "Completely humiliating. I played chess with Garry Kasparov and he beat me in spite of him playing left-handed!" His friend replies - "Ha! You were swindled! Dude, Garry Kasparov is left-handed!!" "

Capablanca-Fan
29-04-2015, 10:59 PM
New Element Discovered

Auckland University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 44 deputy neutrons and 62 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 122.

These 122 particles are held together by gauge particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of meson-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a action that would normally take less than a second, to take from 3 days to 3 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a re-organization in which a portion
of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Kevin Bonham
29-04-2015, 11:35 PM
Some online sources say Kasparov actually is left-handed, but perhaps they've been confused by the joke!

This video shows Kasparov scoring right-handed:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0e6ue6HQROk

Rincewind
30-04-2015, 11:14 AM
This video shows Kasparov scoring right-handed

There is some evidence that chess players are more likely to display cross-dominance than the general population. However the video shows Kasparov moving, pressing the timer and scoring all right handed even though the clock is on the left-hand side of the board. Seems pretty conclusive that for all chess related activity at least, Kasparov is a confirmed right-hander.

machomortensen
13-05-2015, 05:44 AM
So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia.

Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They´ll rob you blind. Don´t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle."

At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That´ll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don´t! My dad warned me about you. You´ll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men.

"And you´ll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

machomortensen
14-05-2015, 06:00 AM
DIARY: DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.


DIARY: DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.


DIARY: DAY 3

At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DIARY:DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship´s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DIARY: DAY 5

Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DIARY: DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.
Twice.

Capablanca-Fan
03-06-2015, 12:57 PM
Nerd Test: How Many of These Smart Jokes Do You Understand? (http://www.pophangover.com/29134/nerd-test-how-many-of-these-smart-jokes-do-you-understand/)

Bereaved
09-06-2015, 09:28 AM
Tonight, I'm going to be signing books at Dymocks until security escorts me out

antichrist
11-06-2015, 08:00 PM
Home Hardware

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.





He asked his wife Louise if she would go to Home Hardware and pick up a hinge.



Louise agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,
her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.



When the manager was finished, Louise asked him, "How much is that faucet?"



The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00

Louise exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled, "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?!"

Louise paused for a moment..... and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet.."

Johns
13-06-2015, 09:44 PM
A man walks into a bar and yells "Shit that hurt!"

antichrist
21-06-2015, 04:15 PM
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested.'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honour thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'


There. That should upset just about everybody....

antichrist
30-06-2015, 06:13 PM
The Smart Irishman !

*Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward
the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very
well so far," said Chris Torrent, the show's presenter,"but for a million
pounds, you've got only one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is
riding on this question. Will you go for it?"*
*"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"*

*"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? *

*a) Sparrow *
*b) Thrush*
*c) Magpie*
*d) Cuckoo?"*

*“I haven't got a clue." said Mick,*
*“So I'll use me last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in
Dublin ."*


*Mick called up his mate Paddy,*
*and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.*

*"Fookin’ hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple - it's a cuckoo."*
*"Are you sure?" *
*"I’m fookin’ sure." *
*Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as me
answer." *
*"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. *


*"Dat it is." There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,*

*"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!" *
*The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a
drink. *
*"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo*
*that doesn't build its own nest?"*

*"Because he lives in a Fookin’ clock !!!"*

machomortensen
07-07-2015, 09:14 PM
When I was single I had this old aunt that use to come up to me at family weddings and poke me in the ribs and say, "You’re next."

She stopped after I did the same to her at a funeral.

Geelong Grizzle
14-07-2015, 09:00 PM
I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out of the other car and said, "I'm not happy." To which I replied, "Which one are you then?"

Geelong Grizzle
19-07-2015, 08:43 PM
Q: If you see a Collingwood fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It could be your bicycle.

Redmond Barry
20-07-2015, 02:22 AM
Q: If you see a Collingwood fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It could be your bicycle.

I had a bike stolen from my house about 2 months ago.

I will start looking for people in black and white striped jerseys. :D

road runner
21-07-2015, 07:31 AM
Q: If you see a Collingwood fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It could be your bicycle.
lol

antichrist
08-09-2015, 10:04 PM
Paddy's fingers
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said,
'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2015!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy replied,

' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up!!!

antichrist
18-09-2015, 10:23 AM
THE MIRACLE OF A SHEET OF TOILET PAPER



Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds every day'

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
How long will this take?' I asked. They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he said 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?'

The idiot is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man

antichrist
21-09-2015, 10:45 AM
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides
that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, again he is ready for
more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done,
Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha!, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the
door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age
you can perform so well and so often. I have been with men less than a third of your age who were only good once.
You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been here already?'

machomortensen
22-09-2015, 06:36 AM
Lol...

antichrist
22-09-2015, 04:37 PM
Butch the Rooster


Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to
fertilize the eggs.


She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.


This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had
a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on
the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.


Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's
bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.


To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a
pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.


Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation
among the judges.


The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him
the "Pulletsurprise" as well.


Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win
two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting
populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.

antichrist
23-09-2015, 09:11 PM
The Mexican Maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so. "
Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did"
Wife increasingly agitated:
"Oh he did, did he???"


Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....... The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"

antichrist
09-10-2015, 12:17 PM
Police Officer Test
How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? The answer is found below.

QUESTION: You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?



ANSWERS:

Canadian Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?



Australian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:

"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

antichrist
12-10-2015, 09:22 PM
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant ​,​ but apparently it just changes the color of the baby - dedicated to Capa Fan

Capablanca-Fan
23-10-2015, 07:50 AM
Professor’s Hilarious Assignment Perfectly Shows The Difference Between Men and Women (http://www.thefederalistpapers.org/education-2/professors-hilarious-assignment-perfectly-shows-the-difference-between-men-and-women)
BY JASON W. STEVENS

Actually there was an earlier version (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/the-english-assignment/article692939/), and even this goes back at least a decade further (http://www.snopes.com/college/homework/writing.asp). Still funny.

James Peirce
27-10-2015, 10:54 AM
Not technically a joke but still funny.
Does this look like Denis McMahon?
2987

antichrist
27-11-2015, 10:38 PM
A bloke goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the bloke said.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and he
said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having
a mask on my face suffocates me!
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections
to taking a pill.

"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed
them. "What are those?" he asked.
"Viagra," she replied.
"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra
worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something
to hold on to when I pull your tooth out."

antichrist
27-11-2015, 10:41 PM
Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent $295 on a penis enlarger.?

The bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instructions were "Do not use in direct sunlight"

Capablanca-Fan
22-12-2015, 01:40 AM
Some people have a fear of German sausages.
They fear the Wurst.

Rincewind
22-12-2015, 08:09 AM
Some people have a fear of German sausages.
They fear the Wurst.

Or even Austrians called Conchita.

machomortensen
14-03-2016, 06:23 PM
The day before Thanksgiving, an elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can´t stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We´re sick and tired of each other, and I´m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Hell they´re getting a divorce," she shouts. "I´ll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don´t do a single thing until I get there. I´m calling my brother back and we´ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don´t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, the kids will be here for Thanksgiving."

Capablanca-Fan
08-07-2017, 01:32 AM
19 nerd or geek jokes (http://www.storypick.com/19-intelligent-jokes/).

road runner
21-07-2017, 06:09 PM
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

Capablanca-Fan
30-08-2017, 01:45 PM
The Difference Between Liberals, Conservatives, and Texans (https://danieljmitchell.wordpress.com/2009/09/30/the-difference-between-liberals-conservatives-and-texans/)
Dan Mitchell

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
__________________________________________________ ____________________________

Liberal’s Answer:

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!

+ Does the man look poor or oppressed?
+ Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
+ Could we run away?
+ What does my wife think? What about the kids?
+ Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
+ What does the law say about this situation?
+ Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?
+ Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
+ Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me?
+ If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
__________________________________________________ ____________________________

Conservative’s Answer:

BANG!
__________________________________________________ ____________________________

Texan’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click (sounds of reloading).

Wife: “Sweetheart, he looks like he’s still moving. What do you kids think?”
Son: “Mom’s right Dad, I saw it too…”

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?”

Max Illingworth
30-08-2017, 04:31 PM
Any scene from Family Guy. Who can forget Carlsen's tweet 'The Bird is indeed greater than the word' after beating Kramnik with 1.f4?

claranow
01-09-2017, 05:01 PM
My favorite Czech joke

Do you know what happens when Czech politician drowns?
You'll find clean communist and dirty money on the surface.