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Basil
13-03-2010, 12:03 PM
If God hadn't wanted us to eat pigs, he wouldn't have made them out of bacon.
Now THAT is funny :lol:

Garrett
15-03-2010, 07:01 AM
There are jokes about Tiger and Elin:
• The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5."
• Ping has a new set of irons called Elins. They're clubs you can beat Tiger with.
• What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian. (Of course, Elin is actually Swedish. But poetic license is allowed in jokes.)

There are jokes about the affair rumors:
• Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?
• Tiger's other women aren't mistresses. They're provisionals.
• Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.
• What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? Santa stopped at three ho's.


And jokes about Tiger's car crash started surfacing within minutes of the initial reports of the accident, including these:

• Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
• What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.
• Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.
• Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.



Most of the above come from amateur quipsters - folks like you and me. But the professionals are having a field day with Tiger's troubles, too. For example:


• Stephen Colbert: "Tiger always gives 110 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistress."
• Conan O'Brien: "One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says they never talked about golf while having sex. However, contractually Tiger was obligated to talk about Nike, Gatorade and American Express."

Basil
17-03-2010, 10:43 AM
PhknenA8cwo

Sinister
17-03-2010, 07:37 PM
the best joke of all is:
Kevin Rudd

road runner
22-03-2010, 01:00 PM
I forget if I posted this here before or not, so here it is:

Q. What's the definition of a network engineer?
A. The guy that Help Desk calls if turning it off and on again didn't fix the problem.

that Caesar guy
22-03-2010, 01:02 PM
PhknenA8cwo
bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. u get the idea :P

Garrett
12-04-2010, 02:26 PM
What relaxes a chess player?









Taking the knight off :uhoh: :eek: :) :)

Ian Murray
12-04-2010, 02:36 PM
What relaxes a chess player?









Taking the knight off :uhoh: :eek: :) :)
Taking the Najdorf !

Rincewind
12-04-2010, 03:22 PM
Taking the Najdorf !

I appreciate the pun but I would not call the Najdorf the most soporific opening going around. Maybe the Philidor(f)? (Filly-Off).

Too laboured?

Igor_Goldenberg
12-04-2010, 04:50 PM
What relaxes a chess player?









Taking the knight off :uhoh: :eek: :) :)
Send it next year to Doeberl organisers for the t-shirt competition.

Ian Murray
12-04-2010, 09:03 PM
I appreciate the pun but I would not call the Najdorf the most soporific opening going around. Maybe the Philidor(f)? (Filly-Off).

Too laboured?
Just a pun - no reflection on Miguel

Basil
13-04-2010, 02:47 PM
Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school in Tasmania.

One class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Rudd if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy’.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a ‘tragedy’.

‘No,’ said Rudd ‘that would be an accident.’

A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.

‘I'm afraid not,’ explained Mr. Rudd ‘that's what we would call great loss.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Rudd searched the room. ‘Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: ‘If a plane carrying you and Mrs. Rudd was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.’

‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed Rudd . ‘That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?’

‘Well,’ says little Johnny ‘it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!’

Igor_Goldenberg
13-04-2010, 04:28 PM
Reminds of another joke:


What's the difference between a disaster and a catastrophe?

A disaster is when a boatload of a thousand lawyers sinks... a catastrophe is when all of them can swim.

Garrett
19-04-2010, 07:47 AM
The Bacon Tree
>
>
>
> Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United
> States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie
> down and wait
for
> death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
>
>
>
> "Hey Pepe, do you smell
> what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
>
>
>
> "Si, Luis, eet sure smells
> like bacon. "
>
>
>
> With renewed hope they struggle
> up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with
> bacon.
>
>
>
> There's raw bacon, there's fried
> bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of
> cured
pork.
>
>
>
> "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.
> Ees a bacon tree."
>
>
>
> "Luis, maybe ees a meerage?
> We ees in the desert don't forget."
>
>
>
> "Pepe, since when deed you ever
> hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon
> tree."
>
>
>
> And with that, Luis staggers
> towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close
> behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a
> wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
>
>
>
> "Pepe... go back man, you
> was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
>
>
>
> "Luis, Luis mi amigo...
> what ees it? "
>
>
>
> "Pepe.. ees not a bacon
> tree. Ees
>
>
>
>
>
> Ees
>
>
>
>
>
> Ees
>
>
>
>
>
> Ees
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Ees a ham
> bush...."
>
>
>
>

Adamski
19-04-2010, 12:26 PM
:p

Trent Parker
22-04-2010, 09:12 AM
Carl Williams Dad went to visit him last week. He said "Jeez, your'e gettin fat son, an exercise bike wouldn't kill you"....

Zwischenzug
29-04-2010, 12:14 PM
Chess nearly solved
But the threat was eliminated

"I was playing in a tournament in Germany one year when a man approached me. Thinking he just wanted an autograph, I reached for my pen, when the man made a startling announcement. 'I've solved chess!' I sensibly started to back away, in case the man was dangerous as well as insane, but the man continued: 'I'll bet you 50 marks that if you come back to my hotel room I can prove it to you.' Well, 50 marks was 50 marks, so I humored the fellow and accompanied him to his room."

"Back at the room, we sat down at his chess board. 'I've worked it all out, white mates in 12 no matter what.' I played black with perhaps a bit incautiously, but I found to my horror that white's pieces coordinated very strangely, and that I was going to be mated on the 12th move!"

"I tried again, and I played a completely different opening that couldn't possibly result in such a position, but after a series of very queer-looking moves, once again I found my king surrounded, with mate to fall on the 12th move. I asked the man to wait while I ran downstairs and fetched Emmanuel Lasker, who was world champion before me. He was extremely skeptical, but agreed to at least come and play. Along the way we snagged Alekhine, who was then world champion, and the three of us ran back up to the room."

"Lasker took no chances, but played as cautiously as could be, yet after a bizarre, pointless-looking series of maneuvers, found himself hemmed in a mating net from which there was no escape. Alekhine tried his hand, too, but all to no avail."

"It was awful! Here we were, the finest players in the world, men who had devoted our very lives to the game, and it was all over! The tournaments, the matches, everything - chess had been solved, white wins."

About this time Capa's friends would break in, saying "Wait a minute, I never heard anything about all this! What happened?"

"Why, we killed him, of course."

Garrett
29-04-2010, 12:20 PM
good joke !

Perhaps could be improved if the first two lines in bold were removed...

Kevin Bonham
29-04-2010, 03:36 PM
There is an earlier version of that one in The Complete Chess Addict but that one involves only Alekhine and Capablanca and nearly all the lines are different except that white checkmates in twelve and the punchline is the same. The authors write:

"Before you throw this book in the fire in disbelief, we'd better come clean. The above (roughly) is the plot of a terrific short story we read some years ago; annoyingly we couldn't track it down. If you know the source, drop us a line."

So I suspect TCCA is where the joke entered the chess community and it has since mutated into various forms.

road runner
01-05-2010, 08:42 PM
OK this is kind of niche, but if you're in IT and know a bit about storage concepts it's hilarious.

http://thestorageanarchist.typepad.com/weblog/2010/02/2043-storage-wrappin-about-tiered-storage.html

Adamski
01-05-2010, 11:12 PM
OK this is kind of niche, but if you're in IT and know a bit about storage concepts it's hilarious.

http://thestorageanarchist.typepad.com/weblog/2010/02/2043-storage-wrappin-about-tiered-storage.html

LOL. "The arrays do not need tiers. Tears are for crying." And similar vein stuff about no tears baby shampoo. Sure, it's niche but I enjoyed it.

Basil
07-05-2010, 10:50 AM
Kevin Rudd goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away.

The undertaker tells the Australian Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the
Holy Land, for just $100.'

The Australian Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Kevin shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend only $100?

With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Olympic Games or help the elderly'.

The Australian Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

Adamski
07-05-2010, 01:09 PM
:P Top notch, C U!

Rincewind
07-05-2010, 04:23 PM
A penguin had to take his car for engine repair.

The mechanic told the penguin to leave his car with him for about two hours, to find out whats wrong.

The penguin goes across the street to a grocery store, climbs into a freezer and ate vanilla ice cream.

When the two hours was up the penguin went back to the garage to find out what happened to his car.

When the penguin entered the garage, the mechanic looked at him and said, "Looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin replied, "NO way, that's vanilla ice-cream!"

Redmond Barry
23-05-2010, 05:57 AM
how do you get a clown off the swing ?

hit him in the face with an axe .........................

road runner
23-05-2010, 07:18 AM
Two cows were in a field. The first cow said, "Geez, that mad cow's disease sounds pretty nasty. I don't want to catch it. You don't have it do you?


The other replied, "Me? No, I'm a duck. Quack."

antichrist
24-05-2010, 06:29 PM
Two cows were in a field. The first cow said, "Geez, that mad cow's disease sounds pretty nasty. I don't want to catch it. You don't have it do you?


The other replied, "Me? No, I'm a duck. Quack."

BOris this is a bit farfetched - were they going to kiss or something, I have never heard of lesbian cows (though we could use our imagination). Why haven't you make a move yet instead of all this bull?

Garrett
24-05-2010, 06:49 PM
BOris this is a bit farfetched - were they going to kiss or something, I have never heard of lesbian cows (though we could use our imagination). Why haven't you make a move yet instead of all this bull?

I can't believe you have already edited this post ?

How friggin stupid was it originally ? :wall:

Rincewind
24-05-2010, 07:29 PM
How friggin stupid was it originally ? :wall:

:lol: :clap:

antichrist
25-05-2010, 01:09 PM
I can't believe you have already edited this post ?

How friggin stupid was it originally ? :wall:

Now I know why Jono has not picked me in his team I would show them up -out do them so to speak


But back in real life
a) I shifted my super from interest to shares when the share market was at bottom about 2 years ago
b) the value fo my super skyrocketed
c) I went back to interest about a fortnight after Greek crisis first mooted.
4) I am again earning modest return and capital still there - checked 2 days ago
5) rest of sharemarket has crashed.

Three cheers for A/C

road runner
25-05-2010, 01:11 PM
BOris this is a bit farfetched - were they going to kiss or something, I have never heard of lesbian cows (though we could use our imagination). Why haven't you make a move yet instead of all this bull?
I've mooved.

antichrist
25-05-2010, 10:09 PM
:lol: :clap:

It took me about an hour to stop laughing as well - aren't you happy I am back?

Ian Murray
28-05-2010, 08:11 AM
On the morning of State of Origin 3 in Sydney, the Queensland team is unaccountably struck down with food poisoning - only Nate Myles and Billy Slater are partially fit enough to take the field against a full-strength Blues outfit. Nevertheless the half-time score is 40 - 0 in favour of Queensland.

In the change room during the break Myles says to Slater: "You don't really need me for the second half, Billy - I'll duck over to the pub and see you after the game." "No problem, mate," Slater replies.

Myles returns after the game, to see the scoreboard reading QLD 40 NSW 36. Accosting Slater he says "What happened - how the hell could you let the Cockroaches get that close?"

:Sorry, mate," says Slater. "Three minutes into the half I was sent off!"

Capablanca-Fan
06-06-2010, 05:54 AM
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'
Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in hisentire life.'
'Where's Kevin Rudd's clock?' asked the man.
It's in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'

Igor_Goldenberg
23-06-2010, 11:13 AM
Dear Lord,

I know that I don't talk to you that much, but this past year you have taken away my favourite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favourite actress, Farah Fawcett and my favourite musician, Michael Jackson.

I just wanted to let you know that my favourite prime minister is Kevin Rudd....

Garrett
23-06-2010, 03:34 PM
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for stroll and come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" says Snow White.

After 30 minutes, she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

"I won first place!" says Snow White.

They continue walking and come across another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After 30 minutes, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"I won first place, too," answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?"

They continue walking when they come across a third sign:

"Contest for the greatest liar in the world."

Pinocchio enters the contest.

After 30 minutes, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they ask.

"Who the hell is Kevin Rudd?" asks Pinocchio.

Capablanca-Fan
24-06-2010, 12:36 AM
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930s, '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s!!


First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank
while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets,
and, when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps, not helmets, on our heads.

As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren't overweight.
WHY?

Because we were always outside playing...that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
--And, we were OKAY.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps
and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem..

We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CDs, no cell phones, no personal computers,
no Internet and no chat rooms.

WE HAD FRIENDS
and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from those accidents.

We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse.

We ate worms, and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and — although we were told it would happen — we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best entrepreneurs, problem solvers, and inventors ever. The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

If YOU are one of those born between 1925-1970, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

Kevin Bonham
24-06-2010, 01:59 AM
How is the above a "joke" as opposed to a piece of anti-regulation/anti-health-scare propaganda-style internet flotsam? (I agree with many aspects of the argument but find the way in which it is expressed rather irritating.)

Saragossa
24-06-2010, 06:13 PM
I don't think it is stringed together too well.


We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren't overweight.

Paired with:


We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CDs, no cell phones, no personal computers,
no Internet and no chat rooms.

The author of the piece you posted obviously wasn't aware the problem of obesity is multi-tiered.

The first part seems against the safety of children, which I find a little disturbing.

Yes, there are stupid lawsuits, but it should be noted which generation the lawyers come from. Stupid lawsuits definitely aren't new, they are simply at a peak.

Anyway, I suppose I can appreciate the funny side.

Tom Krasnicki
25-06-2010, 04:18 PM
As part of the Football Mission project for the FIFA World Cup the Italian team have visited an orphanage in Soweto. During the visit an impromptu game of football was played.

" It was really nice to be able to put a smile on the face of people with no hope," said Mphalele, aged 6.

Capablanca-Fan
01-07-2010, 08:16 AM
Q: What's the main problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and the rest of us don't think they're jokes.

Basil
06-07-2010, 11:16 AM
After Nigeria was eliminated from the World Cup the Nigerian goalkeeper personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

Igor_Goldenberg
09-07-2010, 10:58 AM
Q. Professor, have you stopped beating your wife?
A. I am not a professor.

Redmond Barry
10-07-2010, 03:07 AM
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

Nanna just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Seen it all; can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors went to America on the Juneflower.

In marriage it's best to remain silent. Anything you say will be

misquoted,then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how living remains so
popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and
blamed it on the high cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone will be stupid enough to try and pass them all.

You can't have everything; where would you put it all?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those
who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he
will sit in the boat all day drinking beer.

Shin: A device for finding furniture.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies. But it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people
who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

Igor_Goldenberg
23-07-2010, 11:01 AM
Q: What do McDonalds and Australia have in common?
A: They are run by redhead clowns.

road runner
23-07-2010, 11:13 AM
Q: What do McDonalds and Australia have in common?
A: They are run by redhead clowns.
I'll pay that. :clap:

antichrist
23-07-2010, 11:14 AM
Q: What do McDonalds and Australia have in common?
A: They are run by redhead clowns.

Should read "red-headed clowns"

Redmond Barry
23-07-2010, 06:28 PM
Should read "red-headed clowns"

is that irony ? :D

Igor_Goldenberg
30-07-2010, 09:54 AM
Q: Why does Gillard want to restrict knives import?
A: She does not want to repeat her predecessor fate.

Capablanca-Fan
31-07-2010, 12:14 AM
Q: What's the main problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and the rest of us don't think they're jokes.
A lawyer friend responded:


“Lawyer jokes are completely unfair — it's just the 99% percent of lawyers that give a bad name to the rest of us.”

Igor_Goldenberg
20-08-2010, 02:29 PM
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Igor_Goldenberg
17-09-2010, 10:51 AM
Accounting is a triumph of mathematics over intelligence.

Igor_Goldenberg
05-10-2010, 09:08 AM
New paradigm of Australian parliament requires consensus. It is a difficult concept, but politicians are learning.
Now they can reach consensus two, three or, sometimes, even four times during the session.
They are especially satisfied when manage to reach a consensus simultaneously.

Capablanca-Fan
26-10-2010, 04:21 PM
Certain Universal truths

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Google Maps really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page document that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run
away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” option.

21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an arse from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation I use, I always hate cyclists.

Garrett
27-10-2010, 09:29 AM
http://coolmaterial.com/roundup/if-historical-events-had-facebook-statuses-part-2/

antichrist
28-10-2010, 04:23 AM
Knock knock!
Who's there?
EE, YOU IDIOT!!! SHUTUP!!!!!
Good day to you, Master William!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
F**k'n C***!!!
Good day to you too, Master Matthew!

EE, don't let your missus speak to you like that - sue her for mental torture, the NSW govt gives $25K

Igor_Goldenberg
28-10-2010, 08:43 AM
Q. What do politicians and diapers have in common?
A, They have to be changed regularly - for the same reason.

Zwischenzug
28-10-2010, 03:19 PM
I find this video quite funny and wanted to share it:

http://www.outsidethebeltway.com/so-you-want-to-get-a-phd-in-political-science/

road runner
28-10-2010, 03:30 PM
I find this video quite funny and wanted to share it:

http://www.outsidethebeltway.com/so-you-want-to-get-a-phd-in-political-science/
:lol:

Zwischenzug
01-11-2010, 05:42 PM
http://www.lewrockwell.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/24-types_of_libertarian.png

Kevin Bonham
01-11-2010, 08:17 PM
Excellent. I recognise a few of those. :lol:

Igor_Goldenberg
07-11-2010, 08:36 PM
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a red headed woman, grinning.

“Hi there little girl, I’m the new Prime Minister Gillard. What do you have in the basket?” she asked.

“Kittens,” little Suzy said.

“How old are they?” asked Gillard.

Suzy replied, “They’re so young, their eyes aren’t even open yet.”

“And what kind of kittens are they?”

” Labor supporters,” answered Suzy with a smile.


Gillard was delighted. As soon as she returned to her car, she called her PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, they agreed that the prime minister should return the next day and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.


So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of “FREE KITTENS” when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, Channel 7, SBS, Ten & Nine.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Gillard got out of her limo and walked over to little Suzy.

“Hello, again,” she said, “I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away.”

“Yes,” Suzy said. “They’re Liberals.”

Taken by surprise, the prime minister stammered, “But… But.. Yesterday, you told me they were Labor supporters.”

Little Suzy smiled and said, “I know. But today, they have their eyes open.”

Garrett
10-11-2010, 07:24 AM
The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the Sydney Opera House in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Gillard replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand?

Show me!"


So the Pope backhanded the bitch!

Adamski
10-11-2010, 07:30 AM
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a red headed woman, grinning.

“Hi there little girl, I’m the new Prime Minister Gillard. What do you have in the basket?” she asked.

“Kittens,” little Suzy said.

“How old are they?” asked Gillard.

Suzy replied, “They’re so young, their eyes aren’t even open yet.”

“And what kind of kittens are they?”

” Labor supporters,” answered Suzy with a smile.


Gillard was delighted. As soon as she returned to her car, she called her PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, they agreed that the prime minister should return the next day and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.


So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of “FREE KITTENS” when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, Channel 7, SBS, Ten & Nine.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Gillard got out of her limo and walked over to little Suzy.

“Hello, again,” she said, “I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away.”

“Yes,” Suzy said. “They’re Liberals.”

Taken by surprise, the prime minister stammered, “But… But.. Yesterday, you told me they were Labor supporters.”

Little Suzy smiled and said, “I know. But today, they have their eyes open.”
ROFL!! Well done, Igor!:P

Igor_Goldenberg
10-11-2010, 08:10 AM
ROFL!! Well done, Igor!:P
Should adapted to an animal that goes through three stages. Then we can include Greens!

road runner
10-11-2010, 02:48 PM
http://dilbert.com/dyn/str_strip/000000000/00000000/0000000/000000/60000/3000/300/63349/63349.strip.sunday.gif

antichrist
31-12-2010, 08:17 AM
A little "bathroom" humor- enjoy.

Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Pinoy (Filipino) were
sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German
pressed his forearm and the
beep stopped. The others looked at him
questioningly. "That was my pager,
he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese
fellow lifted his palm to his ear.
When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile
phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Pinoy felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Pinoy finally said ------- "Well, will you look
at that, I'm getting a Fax Message

antichrist
31-12-2010, 10:26 PM
THE LIE DETECTOR

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change..

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair..

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Max Illingworth
31-12-2010, 10:44 PM
THE LIE DETECTOR

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change..

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair..

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Credit where credit is due. That was a good joke. :lol:

Kevin Bonham
31-12-2010, 10:47 PM
Can we pleeeease install that robot in the Toolbox?

antichrist
31-12-2010, 10:48 PM
Two Gay Guys are walking through a zoo.


They come across the gorilla and notice that
the male gorilla has a massive erection.

The gay men are fascinated by this.


One of the men just can't bear it any longer,
and he reaches into the cage to touch it.

The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage
and mates with him for six hours, non-stop,
while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by....

When he's done,
the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and
the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later,
his friend visits him in the hospital and asks,
'Are you hurt?'

'AM I HURT?' he shouts,
'Wouldn't you be?
He hasn't called....he hasn't written...

antichrist
31-12-2010, 10:57 PM
Subject: Legal but not Logical

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.


Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "


To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.


"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer


"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

Oepty
31-12-2010, 10:58 PM
Thank you AC the robot joke was very funny
Scott

antichrist
31-12-2010, 10:59 PM
That okay scott, some more coming up shortly

Max Illingworth
31-12-2010, 10:59 PM
Happy New year!

antichrist
31-12-2010, 11:00 PM
getta off my cloud - you were too early for new year - who liked the Filipino joke further up?

antichrist
03-01-2011, 01:01 PM
INTERNATIONAL RELATIONSHIPS



Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a French guy, an English bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the French guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The French guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That French guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The French guy thinks:
That English bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the English bloke thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that French bastard again.

antichrist
05-01-2011, 09:56 PM
Today 10:52 PM Grant Szuveges
a punk is sitting on a park bench, and an old man comes along and sits down next to him - he keeps staring at the punk and it begins to really start annoying him

Finally the punk cracks and yells at the old man "What??? Havnt you ever done anything crazy in your life???"

The old man then replies "As a matter of fact, about 20 years ago, I had sex with a parrot and I think you might be my son!"

antichrist
05-01-2011, 10:10 PM
Today 11:05 PM Grant Szuveges
a guy runs into an old mate from school and they get talking. The friend says "so how is everything - do you have a family?" The first guy says "Yes, Ive got 3 kids. What about you? what are you doing for work?"

The friend replies "Im a fireman". "really, my sons wants to become a fireman" "Well, Id better come around and install a pole in your house - all young budding firemen need a pole to practice on!" So he comes over and installs the pole

they lose contact over time, but 20 years later, they run into eachother again in the pub. The fireman asks the other guy, "so, did your son end up becoming a fireman?" and his friend replies "no, but I had 2 daughters who became strippers!"

antichrist
06-01-2011, 01:52 PM
Some graziers were taking a bull to exhibition but noticed that it was cross-eyed. So they called the vet in who pushed a hose up its backside, blowed in very hard and bingo, the eyes re-aligned.

Half way towards the show the bull went cross-eyed again, so they thought to save vet fees they would insert the hose and blow themsleves. But nothing happened. So they called in the vet again.

The vet saw the hose still up the bull, took it out, turned it around and inserted it in again. Blew his hardest and bingo, the eyes straightened again. The graziers asked him why did he reverse the hose? The vet replied: He did not want to put that end of the hose in his mouth after they had been blowing on it!!

antichrist
09-01-2011, 03:23 PM
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.


As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, "I always thought I was; but I've just found out I'm a lesbian."

antichrist
15-01-2011, 06:14 PM
A small zoo in Arkansas had a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.


Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.


The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?


Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.


1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.


2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.


3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the childrun raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.


4. And last of all, Bobby Lee stated "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

MIRKO
15-01-2011, 06:47 PM
An older man who has a young wife goes to see the doctor about his sexual problems,the doctor tells him to get a young man to wave a towel beside his bed while he is making love to his wife and all will be ok.He returns to the doctor and tells him it didn't help,the doctor is adamant that his remedy works and tells the man to get the young man to make love to his wife while he waves the towel,the young man jumps on top makes her groan and moan and shiver and shake and after 45 minutes of passionate love making the old man says "now that is how you WAVE the towel".

antichrist
15-01-2011, 08:09 PM
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

antichrist
15-01-2011, 08:14 PM
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all
very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one ... "Sorry I'm
running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know
how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all
together today. "Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look
great, Dad.
I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to
shop for you. "It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were
able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry,
but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I
didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your
mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.. You see, we were very
poor, Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just
never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep, "said the father, "And cheap ones too."

antichrist
15-01-2011, 08:18 PM
Old Cemeteries


A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _________________

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :

Born 1903--Died 1942.

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the

Car was on the way down. It was.

=============================

In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no

Place to go.

=============================

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in

East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102... Only The

Good Die Young..

=============================

In a London , England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid

But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

=============================

In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread, And

The Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace

Wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

===============================

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.... Pardon him

For not rising..

===============================

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.

Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

==============================

In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger

But slow on the draw.

================================

A lawyer's epitaph in England :

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,

And that is Strange.

=================================

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,

England , cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,

Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

==================================

In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went Out of tune.

==================================

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,

Vermont :



Here lies the body of our Anna,

Done to death by a banana.

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

==================================

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,

Massachusetts :

Under the sod and under the trees,

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod.

Pease shelled out and went to God..

==================================

In a cemetery in England :

Remember man, as you walk by,

As you are now, so once was I

As I am now, so shall you be..

Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent.

Until I know which way you went.

MIRKO
15-01-2011, 08:42 PM
A young man was studying hard all night for his biology exam,exhausted from only a few hours sleep wanders in for his exam.To his amazement he finds only one question on the exam which is,name the species on display at the back of the room by their feet!!! He walks to the back and has a look, they all look the same,disgusted and disappointed he storms out of the classroom and throws his exam paper to the relief teacher!!!as he is about to leave the room,she tells him that he didn't put his name on the exam paper and requests it,he turns to her and pulls up his trousers and says "you guess baby you guess!!!"

road runner
15-01-2011, 09:29 PM
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all
very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one ... "Sorry I'm
running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know
how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all
together today. "Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look
great, Dad.
I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to
shop for you. "It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were
able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry,
but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I
didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your
mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.. You see, we were very
poor, Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just
never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep, "said the father, "And cheap ones too."
:lol: :lol: :lol:

road runner
19-01-2011, 01:53 PM
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An Australian batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What do you call an Australian with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q: What's the Australian version of LBW?
A: Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q: Why don't Aussie fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
A: Because they never catch anything.

Q: What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A: Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q: What is the main function of the Australia coach?
A: To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q: What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
A: A waiter.

Q: Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the Australian team?
A: The person who ironed the cricket whites.

Q: What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Australian batsmen?
A: The walk back to the pavilion.

Q: What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
A: The entire Australian innings.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.


The Australians have only three major problems. They can't bat, they can't bowl and they can't field.

Did you hear the one about what the stump microphones picked up when the Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: ''You lads can bat.''
Just as quick, Ponting replied: "No, we can't. We really can't."

Basil
25-01-2011, 09:26 AM
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'*

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

antichrist
25-01-2011, 11:37 AM
Why Sharks Circle You

Why do Sharks swim circles around you before attacking?


Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?

His wise father replied,
"Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

antichrist
27-01-2011, 08:01 PM
Maybe the Best IRISH Joke Ever!

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'

antichrist
27-01-2011, 08:03 PM
I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

Basil
27-01-2011, 08:17 PM
Maybe the Best IRISH Joke Ever!
It's a beauty. I've pinched it for elsewhere. TY.

Capablanca-Fan
09-02-2011, 03:29 PM
Jewish Poker Club
Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell his vife?”
They cut the cards.. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.
“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer’s condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.
“I’ll go tell him.” says Goldberg

Garrett
11-02-2011, 10:03 AM
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.


Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

road runner
27-02-2011, 10:57 AM
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and Yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...
'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'


MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all Blondes are Dumb, But all Men are Men.

road runner
03-03-2011, 01:37 PM
Pope and Tiger woods die at the same time........
they mess it up and Tiger goes to Heaven and the pope to hell
god thinks, hang on a sec - St Peter got it wrong.....
as they switch, they pass eachother on the way
Pope say he cant wait to meet the Virgin Mary
Tiger says, bit late mate.......

Rincewind
03-03-2011, 11:14 PM
You think your lag is bad? It took Jesus three days to respawn.


Note there is a Christian gaming group online called 3 days respawn. http://3dayrespawn.com I checked out this site and experienced a lot of lag. Do you think they knew?

antichrist
04-03-2011, 11:19 AM
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station


The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"


Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

antichrist
04-03-2011, 01:30 PM
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He sits down at the bar to have a drink when the bartender screams,

"Did you see what your Monkey just did?"

"No, what?" asks the man

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...WHOLE!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy,

"He eats everything in sight, I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again and has his Monkey with him. He orders a drink and the Monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the Monkey finds a bowl of Maraschino Cherries on the bar.

He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. Then the Monkey finds a peanut, again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted,

"Did you see what your Monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," the guy replied,
"He still eats everything in sight but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

antichrist
15-03-2011, 01:02 PM
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.'Your name came up 7 times.'

antichrist
17-03-2011, 10:08 AM
HOW TO START A FIGHT


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My gosh!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...




When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.




My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...




My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......




After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...




My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

Zwischenzug
23-03-2011, 09:32 PM
This seems like a good place to put this...

http://www.outsidethebeltway.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Having-Rational-Discussion.jpg

Rincewind
23-03-2011, 10:07 PM
Linking on that site seems to be verbotten. Does it look like this?

http://thoughtcatalog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/A-Flowchart-to-Help-You-Determine-if-Yoursquore-Having-a-Rational-Discussion.jpg

Zwischenzug
24-03-2011, 03:00 PM
Yes. That's it. Thanks Rincewind.

Jim_Flood
01-04-2011, 07:53 PM
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....'Go get your Mother'

antichrist
03-04-2011, 05:13 PM
BRIAN Thomas
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Brian Thomas. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."


Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."


Cabbie: "Not Brian Thomas. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."


Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Thomas, he could do everything right."


Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."


Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Thomas."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f***ing widow."

antichrist
19-04-2011, 09:47 PM
Subject: Gynaecologist's Assistant

A man went to Harley Street in London , having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.


Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the Clerk for details.

The Clerk pulled up the file and read:


"This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will
be responsible for helping the them out of their underwear, laying them
down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving
foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and
finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the
Gynaecologist's examination.

The annual salary is £65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have
to go to Manchester ."

"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".

She answered, "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is..."

antichrist
28-04-2011, 06:38 PM
WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE...
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN...
The only question asked was:
"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4.. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Max Illingworth
28-04-2011, 09:52 PM
WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE...
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN...
The only question asked was:
"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4.. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Not bad, however I preferred the previous joke.

Capablanca-Fan
29-04-2011, 12:47 AM
Not bad, however I preferred the previous joke.
Both pretty good :D :lol:

Max Illingworth
30-04-2011, 07:01 PM
Both pretty good :D :lol:

Yes, but I had already read the second joke a few times on other websites. ;)

Trent Parker
04-05-2011, 08:15 PM
Heard of the latest craze in coffee?

The Bin Laden Latte - fluffy head with two shots in it!

antichrist
23-05-2011, 10:27 AM
Subject: European Terrorist Threat Levels by John Cleese



ALERTS TO THREATS, IN 2011 EUROPE....... BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit
Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody
Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been
used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert
level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that
destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's
military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:
"Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they
are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These
beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a
really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think
we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So
far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

Max Illingworth
23-05-2011, 12:49 PM
Subject: European Terrorist Threat Levels by John Cleese



ALERTS TO THREATS, IN 2011 EUROPE....... BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit
Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody
Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been
used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert
level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that
destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's
military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:
"Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they
are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These
beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a
really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think
we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So
far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

Very witty, but wasn't this joke already posted earlier in the thread?

antichrist
27-05-2011, 07:35 PM
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50"

antichrist
27-05-2011, 08:09 PM
Confucius Didn't Say...........

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ..

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"



May bad luck always follow you and never overtake you

“Don’t flatter yourself, sweetheart. The only fan you have is on the ceiling.” ~~Author Unknown

road runner
06-06-2011, 09:16 PM
‎"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx

antichrist
06-06-2011, 10:41 PM
‎"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx

I have eaten dog and it stinks so much you would not want to read in there anyway

Garrett
07-07-2011, 10:49 AM
Subject:The Biker!

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly retired Navy bosn's mate, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does, a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl . . ."

Garrett
07-07-2011, 11:23 AM
Letter to Men's Helpline:-

Hey Mate, really need your advice for a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating.
The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up and she’s going out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat, when she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on... It was at that moment crouched behind the boat I noticed... a "hairline crack" in the outboard mounting bracket...
Is that something I can weld myself or do I need to replace it?

Hobbes
07-07-2011, 11:45 AM
Letter to Men's Helpline:-

Well I thought the Biker joke was very funny anyway.

Max Illingworth
07-07-2011, 12:55 PM
Subject:The Biker!

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.
The leader, a big burly retired Navy bosn's mate, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does, a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl . . ."

:lol: Nice joke Garrett. :)

Garrett
26-07-2011, 11:34 AM
1, Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

2. Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....

3. The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

4. Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?.
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

5. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"....
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

6. Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

Garrett
26-07-2011, 11:36 AM
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 5
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 4
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 3
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 2
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.


And The Number 1 Thought
- - - as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last that long."

Capablanca-Fan
27-07-2011, 09:27 AM
[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]

John: Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan: Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.

John: You’re the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan: You know....... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.

John: You mean like a Howard?

Bryan: Yeah....a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.

John: So.... you used to have one?

Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model—don’t know why I got rid of him—biggest mistake I’ve ever made…

John: What happened?

Bryan: Traded him in for a Kevin 07.

John: Big mistake…

Bryan: Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate—that was good.

John: Anything else?

Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.

John: Didn’t stick around for long did it?

Bryan: Nah—had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.

John: What was the problem?

Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.

John: Whatcha got now?

Bryan: It’s a Gillard-Brown.

John: The hybrid?

Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system—not a good idea. An engine that can’t deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse…

John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason—that’s the one?

Bryan: The Fustercluck model.

John: The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery—but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan: Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.

John: So that’s why you’re here?

Bryan: That’s right. I’m stuck with a government that's wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the “Cash for Clunkers” scheme?

John: Join the queue brother.

Basil
27-07-2011, 09:06 PM
Like

antichrist
29-07-2011, 08:34 AM
some are repeats dont whinge


HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift ....The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


And that's how the fight started ...

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.


I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started ...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started ...

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."


And then the fight started ...



_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started ...

________________________________

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning .... the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started ...

Basil
29-07-2011, 08:46 AM
Like

Kevin Bonham
29-07-2011, 03:07 PM
some are repeats dont whinge

Actually they are all repeats of the one you posted on 17 March except for one.

Garrett
04-08-2011, 12:39 PM
> TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
>
> Three sisters, ages 92, 94 & 96, live in a house together. One night
the 96-year-old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
>
> The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
>
> The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters, she shakes her head & says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
>
>

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
------
>
> TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
>
> Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
>
>
> "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
>
>
> And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
>
>

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
------
>
>
> TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
>
> Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
>
> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
>
> One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other & said,
"Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends a long time, but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your n ame is."
>
> Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
>
>

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
------
>
> TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone
rang.
>
> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77.
>
> Please be careful!"
>
> "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
>
>

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
------
>
> TELL ME THIS WONT HAPPEN TO US!!!
>
> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
>
> The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing
it.
I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again,
they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure
that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.
>
> At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they
went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred,
did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You
could have killed us both!"
>
> Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, dear, am I driving?"
>

Hobbes
05-08-2011, 09:00 PM
There was a young vampire called Mable,
whose periods were always quite stable,
at every full moon,
she took out a spoon,
and drank herself under the table.

Redmond Barry
05-08-2011, 10:03 PM
There was a young vampire called Mable,
whose periods were always quite stable,
at every full moon,
she took out a spoon,
and drank herself under the table.

she sounds hot.

antichrist
06-08-2011, 05:12 PM
How it all began

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):


In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: “How, dear?”

And Dot replied: “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham’s business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading, as doth the greedy horsefly taketh to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said: “We need a name that reflects what we are.”

And Dot replied: “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO,” said Abraham, and because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.

Honestly!!!!!

Capablanca-Fan
01-09-2011, 12:37 AM
HYMNS FOR ALL THINGS

The Dentist's Hymn:.....................Crown Him with Many Crowns

The Weatherman's Hymn..............There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

The Contractor's Hymn:............... The Church's One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn:....................... Holy,Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn:....................... There's a Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn:................... Standing on the Promises

The Optometrist's Hymn:.............. Open My Eyes That I Might See

The IRS Agent's Hymn:................. I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn:.. ...................Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn:..................Send The Light

The Shopper's Hymn:.................... Sweet By and By

The Realtor's Hymn:.......................I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop

The Massage Therapists Hymn.......He Touched Me

The Doctor's Hymn:...................... The Great Physician

AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:

-----45mph....................God Will Take Care of You

-----55mph.......... ........ Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah

-----65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee

-----75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer

-----85mph....................This World Is Not My Home

-----95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home

-----Over 100mph...........Precious Memories

Capablanca-Fan
01-09-2011, 06:02 AM
A Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE & his wife an iRON. She wasn't impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK & iCLEAN network. This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function.

Adamski
01-09-2011, 06:10 AM
HYMNS FOR ALL THINGS

The Dentist's Hymn:.....................Crown Him with Many Crowns

The Weatherman's Hymn..............There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

The Contractor's Hymn:............... The Church's One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn:....................... Holy,Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn:....................... There's a Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn:................... Standing on the Promises

The Optometrist's Hymn:.............. Open My Eyes That I Might See

The IRS Agent's Hymn:................. I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn:.. ...................Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn:..................Send The Light

The Shopper's Hymn:.................... Sweet By and By

The Realtor's Hymn:.......................I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop

The Massage Therapists Hymn.......He Touched Me

The Doctor's Hymn:...................... The Great Physician

AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:

-----45mph....................God Will Take Care of You

-----55mph.......... ........ Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah

-----65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee

-----75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer

-----85mph....................This World Is Not My Home

-----95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home

-----Over 100mph...........Precious Memories
LIke!

Hobbes
22-09-2011, 02:18 PM
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one says he wants half a beer. The third one says he wants a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says, “You guys need to learn your limits.”

Rincewind
22-09-2011, 04:05 PM
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one says he wants half a beer. The third one says he wants a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says, “You guys need to learn your limits.”

Not a bad joke. :lol: However, I would have said a quarter rather than a fourth, not that a fourth is wrong it just sounds funny to my ear.

Zwischenzug
24-10-2011, 09:06 PM
http://www.chesschat.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=1814&stc=1&d=1319454358
http://www.chesschat.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=1815&stc=1&d=1319454358

Max Illingworth
24-10-2011, 09:16 PM
Not a joke, but an amusing quote.

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." - Emo Philips

Redmond Barry
24-10-2011, 09:42 PM
Not a joke, but an amusing quote.

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." - Emo Philips

thats how it works. :D

Hobbes
03-11-2011, 10:12 AM
A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had a very important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to church every Sunday and quit drinking!"

Just then, a parking place appeared - the closest one imaginable.

The man looked up again and said, "Never mind, I just found one."

antichrist
07-11-2011, 04:20 PM
HELL EXPLAINED

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT



The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.


The answer by this student was so profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when
it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

AC
surely I deserve a lifting of [snip]-type mod rules for this joke

Max Illingworth
07-11-2011, 04:26 PM
HELL EXPLAINED

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT



The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.


The answer by this student was so profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when
it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

AC
surely I deserve a lifting of [snip]-type mod rules for this joke

:lol:

Hobbes
07-11-2011, 04:43 PM
AC
surely I deserve a lifting of [snip]-type mod rules for this joke

:hand:

http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/hell.asp

Capablanca-Fan
11-11-2011, 11:53 AM
A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in Sydney. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed
a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it.
He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?”
“Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story,” said the old Chinese man.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars.
“I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”.
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys
and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and
they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Harbor. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to
discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the harbor and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Harbor.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the harbor after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown . “Ahhh,” said the owner, “You have come back for story?”

“No, sir.” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Labor politician.”

Zwischenzug
19-11-2011, 07:09 PM
Orwell v Huxley (http://www.recombinantrecords.net/docs/2009-05-Amusing-Ourselves-to-Death.html)

Max Illingworth
19-11-2011, 07:27 PM
Orwell v Huxley (http://www.recombinantrecords.net/docs/2009-05-Amusing-Ourselves-to-Death.html)

Very clever, thanks for sharing this. :lol:

antichrist
20-11-2011, 02:38 PM
Little Johnny...

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.

1st kid says "A computer".

Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."

2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.

Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nothin."

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs
something.

Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure.........."

"When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying,

"Well, that's the last f%#*ing thing we need."

antichrist
21-11-2011, 08:29 AM
mulsing sheep


He Said To Me!
He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?


He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart



He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ...... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.



He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.



He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

antichrist
23-11-2011, 11:57 PM
Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face


I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names
at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'






Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b*****d, I was talking to the cat!'


Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch,
so I've named him Birmingham.


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'


Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

Zwischenzug
03-12-2011, 06:41 PM
1848

antichrist
07-12-2011, 01:29 PM
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for



a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

antichrist
08-12-2011, 11:48 AM
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses 500 Euros on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost 500 Euros, and is afraid to come home'

'Tell him to drop dead!’ says Murphy's wife...

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the Irishman.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs Paddy. 'For a
minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
















The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'

that Caesar guy
08-12-2011, 01:17 PM
Here's a good joke:

Manchester City and Manchester United.

Have fun in the Europa League :D ahahahaa

antichrist
08-12-2011, 01:24 PM
If I back the Tykes is that another joke, they are my mate's home team

Capablanca-Fan
14-12-2011, 04:45 PM
As we are in the Christmas season I thought you would enjoy three Christmas carols with the kind of comments that may be made about them now in our obsessively politically correct environment.
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow -
In a one horse open sleigh,
O’er the fields we go -
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night,
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around .
The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road;
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry; also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled ‘little’ and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

Zwischenzug
14-12-2011, 09:31 PM
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Rincewind
14-12-2011, 09:36 PM
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific...

Have we moved? You might have to break it to the the people in Perth that they are in the middle of the Pacific. :)

Redmond Barry
14-12-2011, 10:13 PM
Have we moved? You might have to break it to the the people in Perth that they are in the middle of the Pacific. :)

so its fiji not rottnest where all the quokkas live ? :)

Max Illingworth
14-12-2011, 11:49 PM
A man was in hospital. His family were all there while he was on his bed. The man wrote a note to his son (who was present), then died immediately afterwards. The son decided that he would not read this, his father's final note, until the day of the funeral. So one week later, the son is at his father's funeral, and opens the note. He faints immediately.

The note said 'ffs, get your foot off the life support'.

antichrist
18-12-2011, 04:11 PM
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.


Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.



The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.





Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.



Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

antichrist
19-12-2011, 01:03 PM
Every day, a male employee walks up very close
to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply & says that her
hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand
it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in
Human Resources (HR) & asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled & asks,

"What's so threatening about a co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?"


"It's Frank, the midget!"

antichrist
22-12-2011, 06:23 PM
True Murder Story

For those who have served on a jury, this one is something to think about.
Just when you think you have heard everything.

Do you like to read a good murder mystery?

Not even "Midsomer Murders" would attempt to capture this mess. This is an
unbelievable twist of fate!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS

President, Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal
complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994... The medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus ,
and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.
Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit
suicide.

He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past
the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through
a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been
installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers
and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the
way he had planned.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied
by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was
threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the
trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the
window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject 'A', but kills subject 'B' instead, one is
guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both
adament, and both said they thought the shotgun was not loaded, the old
man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded
shotgun.. He had no intention to murder her.
Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, assuming the
gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's
son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident... It
transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support, and
the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun
threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would
shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was
guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The
case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of
Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist...

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to
engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story
building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through
the ninth story window.The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself.

So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Kevin Bonham
22-12-2011, 09:15 PM
Not so much a joke as one of the many spurious internet stories in circulation. However unlike most of them it did actually start life as a story intended to demonstrate actual points of law.

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/opus.asp

Max Illingworth
22-12-2011, 09:27 PM
Either way, I found it pretty funny.

Hobbes
03-01-2012, 12:28 PM
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many glasses of red wine and some rather fine port.

Knowing full well I may have been over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

antichrist
05-01-2012, 11:13 PM
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

BrendanNorman
05-01-2012, 11:49 PM
Here a simple but cool one.

A typical bogan Aussie guy turns up after work in his ute at the local pub...
After some time drinking inside, he gets friendly with some girl who also seems keen on him..

Eventually, he says to her "Hey honey...Why dont ya come back ta my place for a bitta the ol... you know? ;) "

And she says "Sorry, I cant..Im on my menstrual cycle :( "

"No worries love! Chuck it on the back of the ute!" He responds confidently!

haha

antichrist
05-01-2012, 11:51 PM
I met a guy the other day who told me he had been to Thailand a few times and accidentally ended up with ladyboy - that he did not appreciate, and that was well into proceedings he discovered, serves him right for being dumb, maybe was drunk instead

machomortensen
06-01-2012, 02:38 AM
@ Hobbes

That was a nice one.

road runner
06-01-2012, 07:35 AM
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

etc

Classic stuff :clap: :clap: :lol: :lol:

Capablanca-Fan
08-01-2012, 01:08 AM
‎'Guy goes into a bar in Brizzy where there's a robot bartender!
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Aussie Rules, cricket, Fosters, and weekend BBQs.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Julia Gillard??"

BrendanNorman
08-01-2012, 01:24 AM
‎'Guy goes into a bar in Brizzy where there's a robot bartender!
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Aussie Rules, cricket, Fosters, and weekend BBQs.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Julia Gillard??"


hahaha awesome! :D

Hobbes
08-01-2012, 10:25 PM
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee..

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

Capablanca-Fan
09-01-2012, 04:30 PM
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Hobbes
11-01-2012, 11:40 PM
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

antichrist
11-01-2012, 11:47 PM
Hobbes, I posted that joke about a year ago

Hobbes
11-01-2012, 11:51 PM
Thought I had seen it before, so I searched this thread for a bunch of words from the joke, nothing came up (maybe you posted it off-topic in another thread, that is always possible!)

Hobbes
11-01-2012, 11:55 PM
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

antichrist
13-01-2012, 12:36 PM
I was sitting in a bar one time and I saw a Jewish man walk in and sit down to have a drink. After a few drinks a Chinese man came in and sat next to him. The Jewish man immediately turned and punched the other man in the face.

The Chinese man shouted, "You fool! What was that for?" The Jewish man replied, "That's for Pearl Harbor." Chinese man said, "You idiot, I am Chinese not Japanese!" Jewish man replied, "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"

The Chinese man proceeded to punch the Jewish man in the face.

The Jewish man clutched his jaw and said angrily, "Owww, why did you do that?!" The Chinese man replied, "That's for the Titanic." Jewish man said, "But an iceberg caused it to sink, not me!"

The Chinese man smiled and said, "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference!"

Kevin Bonham
18-01-2012, 07:39 PM
Moderation Notice

A certain degree of smuttiness, sexual innuendo and tastelessness has been generally permitted on this thread in view of the warning in the title, but jokes that explicitly describe sex acts (for example) should be posted in the Coffee Lounge or not at all.

I have been moving some jokes I considered unsuitable for the main board but from now on jokes that are clearly unsuitable for the main board may be deleted without warning.

antichrist
20-01-2012, 10:36 AM
The Arab and the Scotsman
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.


Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".__

Capablanca-Fan
06-02-2012, 02:03 AM
“The thing about quotes on the internet is you can not confirm their validity.”—Winston Churchill

Rincewind
06-02-2012, 07:36 AM
“The thing about quotes on the internet is you can not confirm their validity.”—Winston Churchill

That can't be right. Churchill would not have left "that" out of that sentence. :)

antichrist
06-02-2012, 08:42 AM
That can't be right. Churchill would not have left "that" out of that sentence. :)
churchill was not alive during internet???????

Garrett
06-02-2012, 09:57 AM
churchill was not alive during internet???????

Churchill was a visionary and saw the internet coming.

In the same way Turing saw computers coming and wrote and tested a chess computer program.

antichrist
06-02-2012, 10:22 AM
Churchill was a visionary and saw the internet coming.

In the same way Turing saw computers coming and wrote and tested a chess computer program.

then why dont I get credit for predicting results of top games, only derision from RW - just keeping it about myself mind you

Churchill died before man on moon, you are making him sound like that Joseph guy from the Mormons

Redmond Barry
06-02-2012, 01:45 PM
then why dont I get credit for predicting results of top games, only derision from RW - just keeping it about myself mind you

Churchill died before man on moon, you are making him sound like that Joseph guy from the Mormons

joseph smith predicted the popularity of the sony playstation.

machomortensen
07-02-2012, 06:12 AM
A blonde swedish looking out of the window: "Hey guys, who's that new girl? She looks like me."

Friend: "Where??"

Swedish girl pointing: "Over there."

Friend: "That's your reflection."

Capablanca-Fan
07-02-2012, 09:53 AM
American absurdities abound.

antichrist
07-02-2012, 10:02 AM
what are you complaining about jono, in my day at school we had to learn pounds 20 shillings and 12 pence and half pence as well and you could not imagine the old descriptive notation in chess books

In my day I could pick up virtually exactly one pound of beans without the scales and estimate pretty accurately how many pounds a water melon weighed.

As well as eat tonnes of bananas unweighed

Capablanca-Fan
09-02-2012, 05:09 AM
what are you complaining about jono, in my day at school we had to learn pounds 20 shillings and 12 pence and half pence as well and you could not imagine the old descriptive notation in chess books
I am too young to remember the non-decimal money, but many of my first chess books were in descriptive. I still own a lot of descriptive notation books.

Capablanca-Fan
09-02-2012, 10:43 AM
A priest is driving down the road when he comes across a baboon lying dead in the road. He contacts the police to inform them of his find.

A cocky desk sergeant laughed and said: "Did you give it the last rites?”

"No" said the priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first”.

Rincewind
09-02-2012, 11:06 AM
Not really a joke but the following item was a mediawatch moment...

World shares steady with Greek deal imminent (http://www.abc.net.au/news/2012-02-09/world-shares-close-mixed/3820068)

Specifically the line...


Walt Disney jumped after reporting a better-than-expected quarterly profit.

Given his present condition it would have required a much better than expected profit to induce a jump.

The official name is The Walt Disney Company but for brevity most people just refer to it as Disney and drop the Walt as well.

antichrist
09-02-2012, 11:43 AM
A priest is driving down the road when he comes across a baboon lying dead in the road. He contacts the police to inform them of his find.

A cocky desk sergeant laughed and said: "Did you give it the last rites?”

"No" said the priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first”.

change that baboon to a pig and a world of difference

Capablanca-Fan
27-02-2012, 02:33 PM
New government emblem :lol:

antichrist
27-02-2012, 09:47 PM
Strueth I have never seen those colour ones before where can I getém

Rincewind
27-02-2012, 09:56 PM
Strueth I have never seen those colour ones before where can I getém

I would guess the good ol' US of A

Max Illingworth
27-02-2012, 10:00 PM
Strueth I have never seen those colour ones before where can I getém

At the public toilets.

antichrist
28-02-2012, 03:52 PM
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale"

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter . He's never been out of the yard'

Garrett
16-04-2012, 01:14 PM
I was in a pub the other night and saw two rather
large girls at the bar.

They both had strange accents so I said,

“Hello, are you two girls from Scotland ?”

One of them screamed, “WALES you f**king idiot!”

So I immediately apologized, saying,

“Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”

Geelong Grizzle
19-04-2012, 02:33 AM
A BLOKE walked into a sports bar at 9:58pm.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 o'clock news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at the bloke and said: "Do you think he'll jump?"
He replied: "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde said: "Well, I bet he won't."
The bloke placed $20 on the bar and said: "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to the bloke, saying: "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
The bloke replied: "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the five o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde said: "I did too ... but I didn't think he'd do it again."
The bloke took the money.

machomortensen
21-04-2012, 03:05 AM
Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in Hospital. "It´s great, he can almost string a sentence together" said Fabrice.

Basil
21-04-2012, 12:59 PM
:d

Geelong Grizzle
21-04-2012, 01:40 PM
THE Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding along the prairie, when they stopped on top of a hill and looked at a town below.
The Lone Ranger said: "Tonto, you wait here while I ride into town."
Tonto replied: "Why is it always that I wait here and you ride into town? Why never the other way around?"
The Lone Ranger replied: "All right then, I'll ride into town and you wait here."

Rincewind
28-05-2012, 05:31 PM
Pat was lying on his deathbed, moaning and carrying on.
"Mike," he says, "I know I'm a goner."
"Oh, Paddy, have faith, ye still have years ahead uv yuh."
"No, Mick, I'm finished an' you've been such a great friend, there's one thing I'd like yuh to do when I'm gone."
"Ahh, Paddy, I'll do anything you ask, I swear it to the Saints and the Holy Mother."
"Well, dear friend, I have been saving a jug of fine whiskey that my brother sent me from Cashel some eight years ago, and I would like you to pour it on me grave when I'm buried."
Mike sits silently for a long time and Pat asks again,
"will you do that for yer oldest friend, Mike?"
Mike draws a big breath and says, "Ye know I will Pat, but would ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys first?'

Igor_Goldenberg
30-05-2012, 09:33 AM
Angela Merkel arrives in Athens and is questioned by the Customs officer at the airport:
- Occupation?
- No, visiting.

machomortensen
07-06-2012, 01:42 PM
Husband banned from Target

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.
...
Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Capablanca-Fan
12-06-2012, 07:44 AM
While walking through the Olympic Village, a reporter meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick and asks, "Are you a pole-vaulter?"
"Nein," says the man, "I'm German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

Basil
12-06-2012, 08:35 AM
I reckon you could tell the the same joke, with an Indian accent say (but chose your favourite non-white for the purpose), with appropriate accent and wordplay changes, and get slammed for racism.

Rincewind
12-06-2012, 09:43 AM
I reckon you could tell the the same joke, with an Indian accent say (but chose your favourite non-white for the purpose), with appropriate accent and wordplay changes, and get slammed for racism.

Looks like you went to the IG school of whining about the hypothetical double standard. Why not come up with an actual joke involving Indian accents and see if people think it equivalent and think that it's racist?

Garrett
18-06-2012, 12:08 PM
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence.....!!!!!!"

===========================================


If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts
and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new
CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a
wall.. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know
that he meant
business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400
a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came
back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said,
"Here's four weeks' pay.

Now GET OUT and don't come back.."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Garrett
18-06-2012, 12:34 PM
You can't beat British humour!!

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.

As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hooker's corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she
watched the pair pass.


Then, the hooker yelled:

"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"

Agent Smith
18-06-2012, 10:50 PM
:p

Capablanca-Fan
21-06-2012, 02:44 PM
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? He brews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Capablanca-Fan
24-06-2012, 12:15 AM
Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," Descartes replies, and vanishes in a puff of logical fallacy.

Rincewind
24-06-2012, 12:44 AM
Which reminds me of the following...

Jean-Paul Sartre, was sitting in a cafe where a waitress approached him: “Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?”

Sartre replied, “Yes, I’d like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream”.

Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to his reading.

A few minutes later the waitress returned and said, “I’m sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream – how about with no milk?”

Capablanca-Fan
20-07-2012, 11:34 AM
IT'S SO DRY out in the western USA that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!

Mrs Jono
21-07-2012, 12:40 PM
Husband banned from Target

Hahahaha! Most of those sound like fun, LOL.


If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Yep. I think I worked for that guy before.

Capablanca-Fan
08-08-2012, 10:48 PM
They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
Energizer arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

Capablanca-Fan
15-08-2012, 02:42 PM
Jan van der Merwe was watching a rugby test where the Springboks were playing against the All Blacks at Loftus Versfeld stadium in Pretoria. In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat—next to van der Merwe.

"Who does that seat belong to?" asked his neighbour.

"It's for my wife."

"But why isn't she here?"

"She died."

"So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"

"They've all gone to the funeral."

Garrett
25-08-2012, 06:34 AM
chess variants from a friend on FB.

Capablanca-Fan
29-08-2012, 01:29 PM
chess variants from a friend on FB.
Thanks for that. Your pic inspired one from another FB friend: Spartan chess. It would have been even better if there were only three files from ranks 3 to 7.

road runner
30-08-2012, 04:18 PM
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

Because it's two tyred.

Mrs Jono
08-09-2012, 02:55 AM
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock...tick-tock...tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"

The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clock's face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

Capablanca-Fan
08-09-2012, 03:11 PM
:wall: :d

Zwischenzug
19-09-2012, 03:29 PM
Funny image I found somewhere.

Capablanca-Fan
05-11-2012, 11:05 AM
An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the benevolent sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh announced, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The South African was first. He thought for a while, then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow lasted only 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done, the South African had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Australian was next up. After watching the South African's horror, he said smugly, "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could take only 15 lashes before the whip went through and the Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the sheikh turned to him and said, "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your most royal and merciful highness," the Kiwi replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"?

"Tie the Australian to my back."

machomortensen
07-11-2012, 05:16 AM
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman´s face was severely burned. The doctor told the wife that they couldn´t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman´s new face. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I ever possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Capablanca-Fan
09-11-2012, 11:11 PM
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your
Country?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you
Do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F_ _ k the Japs."
"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? She angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little $hit! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh $hit, We're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, November 6, 2012."

Adamski
09-11-2012, 11:22 PM
An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the benevolent sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh announced, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The South African was first. He thought for a while, then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow lasted only 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done, the South African had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Australian was next up. After watching the South African's horror, he said smugly, "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could take only 15 lashes before the whip went through and the Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the sheikh turned to him and said, "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your most royal and merciful highness," the Kiwi replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"?

"Tie the Australian to my back."Definitely a LOL!

road runner
10-11-2012, 05:24 AM
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. ...LOL

Zwischenzug
10-11-2012, 07:14 AM
That joke is rather funny Jono.

road runner
12-11-2012, 06:45 AM
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

Capablanca-Fan
14-11-2012, 04:01 AM
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."
Stealing for Facebook status.

Ian Murray
14-11-2012, 08:41 AM
.... ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

Reminiscent of the allegedly-true exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206:

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Allan Menham
14-11-2012, 09:01 AM
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.:lol: :lol:

machomortensen
15-11-2012, 06:44 AM
A GREAT one Mr. Menham.

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, ´I think it´s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.´

The elderly lady hung her head, ´I have to tell you the truth,´ she said, ´his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I´m scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what his name is.´

machomortensen
15-11-2012, 03:01 PM
An oldie...

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I´m sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"

"Your horse called."

MichaelBaron
15-11-2012, 11:33 PM
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

LOL :)

machomortensen
16-11-2012, 05:38 AM
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.

"Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.

"Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.

"Make love to me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.

"**** me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I´m Cess!"

machomortensen
01-12-2012, 02:46 AM
A recently widowed lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Capablanca-Fan
04-01-2013, 08:56 AM
Holiday guests' complaints

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons.
I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.
I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers—will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito, no-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.
We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Capablanca-Fan
05-01-2013, 06:19 AM
19 People Who Are Having A Way Worse Day Than You (http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/people-who-are-having-a-worse-day-than-you)
Think you're having a bad day? This might change your mind.

Redmond Barry
02-02-2013, 05:55 AM
q : whats brown and sticky ??????

a : a stick.

Redmond Barry
02-02-2013, 05:57 AM
q: whats orange and sounds like a parrot ?

a: a carrot.

Garrett
16-02-2013, 06:12 PM
SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.

You eat both of them.

The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.

The IMF loans you two cows.

You eat both of them.

The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.

You are out getting a haircut.