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Space_Dude
24-04-2008, 06:02 PM
Crash Course in Speaking Chinese
Chinese Phrase English Translation

Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table

Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift

Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia: Approach me

Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island

Lao Ze: Not very good

Lin Ching: An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai: A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse

Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice:lol: :lol:

Space_Dude
24-04-2008, 06:28 PM
http://www.thegreenscorpion.com.au/forum/viewtopic.php?f=40&t=1104

Basil
24-04-2008, 06:55 PM
Hi Tony

I enjoyed your list :lol: I believe you are Asian. Is that correct?

Space_Dude
24-04-2008, 07:21 PM
Hi Tony

I enjoyed your list :lol: I believe you are Asian. Is that correct?
yes but not chiness:D

Axiom
24-04-2008, 09:00 PM
yes but not chiness:D
Singapore?

Capablanca-Fan
24-04-2008, 09:11 PM
yes but not chiness:D
What about a Sinophone?

Rincewind
24-04-2008, 09:46 PM
I thought Tony mentioned a Korean background at some point.

Space_Dude
24-04-2008, 10:40 PM
Singapore?
no, korean

Bereaved
24-04-2008, 11:51 PM
An old Horse racing trainer and breeder eventually discovers that his eyesight is failing, so goes to the optometrist. He is asked to return a week later for his glasses.

" Have you got my glasses?"
" Here they are, that will be $800"
" $800 !!??!! "
" Well they are bi-focals...."

"I don't care if their by-Phar Lap, they're too much !!

Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Basil
10-05-2008, 12:12 AM
iS2N1mBsEdM

Garrett
13-05-2008, 03:08 PM
*** Health Benefits Of Being Overweight

A new report suggests that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Star- bucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.

Basil
23-05-2008, 06:03 PM
Hi Tony

I enjoyed your list :lol: I believe you are Asian. Is that correct?
The only reason I asked is because had I (whiteboy) posted that list, you could bet your left nutella sandwich that the bleeding hearts and the do-gooders and the cringers and other half-soaked wets would have come slinking (screaming) out of the woodwork nailing me as a racist!

My point (yet again for great painful unwashed) is that it's not the words themselves, but the intent and context.

None of this is directed at you Tony (it's for the adult (and I use the term loosely) idiots). I thought your list was great.

Capablanca-Fan
24-05-2008, 01:06 AM
*** Health Benefits Of Being Overweight

A new report suggests that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Star- bucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.
That last paragraph was such a let down :(

road runner
25-05-2008, 10:56 AM
Here's one for Jono:

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

Capablanca-Fan
25-05-2008, 01:27 PM
Here's one for Jono:

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Rincewind
28-05-2008, 12:31 PM
Question: How can you tell an introvert from an extrovert at the Australian Chess Championships?
Answer: ˙sǝoɥs s,ʎnƃ ɹǝɥʇo ǝɥʇ ʇɐ sʞool ʇɹǝʌoɹʇxǝ ǝɥʇ 'sɹoʇɐʌǝlǝ ǝɥʇ uı

Basil
28-05-2008, 12:57 PM
Please don't say 'elevator'.

Zwischenzug
28-05-2008, 01:21 PM
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a
little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the
crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I
wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nodded.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it
up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his
mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking
and screwing before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

Zwischenzug
28-05-2008, 01:43 PM
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that
you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the
bull wins."

Metro
29-05-2008, 06:40 PM
A bimbo pushes her BMW into a garage.She tells the mechanic it broke down again.After he works on it for a few minutes,it is idling smoothly.
She says,"What's the story?"
He says,"Just crap in the carburettor".
She says,"How long do I do that for?"

Igor_Goldenberg
29-05-2008, 09:24 PM
It reminds me of a similar joke:

Wife comes home and tells the husband:
-We have a car problem
-What's wrong?
- Water in the carburettor
Husband looks very puzzled at his wife, as she does know a thing about the cars:
- How would you know? You have no idea where the carburettor is
- Well, it's in the car, isn't it?
- Yes, so?
- the car is at the bottom of the lake.

Garrett
03-06-2008, 01:49 PM
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'

Capablanca-Fan
03-06-2008, 06:09 PM
There was a time when words were used beautifully. These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to four-letter words!

The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, ‘If you were my husband, I’d give you poison,’ and he said, ‘If you were my wife, I’d take it.’

William Gladstone to Benjamin Disraeli (both 19th century British Prime Ministers): ’Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.’ ‘That depends, sir,’ said Disraeli, ‘On whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.’

‘He had delusions of adequacy.’ Walter Kerr

‘He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.’ Winston Churchill.

‘A modest little person, with much to be modest about.’ Winston Churchill (about Clement Attlee, who defeated him then lost in elections)

‘I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.’ Clarence Darrow

‘He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.’ William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
‘Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?’ Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

‘He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.’ Abraham Lincoln

‘I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.’ Mark Twain

‘He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.’ Oscar Wilde

‘I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one.’ George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
‘Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.’ Winston Churchill, in response.

‘I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.’ Stephen Bishop

‘He is a self-made man and worships his creator.’ John Bright

‘He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.’ Samuel Johnson

‘He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.’ Paul Keating / Robert Muldoon

‘There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure. Jack E. Leonard

‘He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.’ Robert Redford

‘They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.’ Thomas Brackett Reed

‘In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.’ Charles, Count Talleyrand

‘He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.’ Forrest Tucker

‘Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?’ - Mark Twain

‘Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.’ Oscar Wilde

‘He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination.’ Andrew Lang (1844–1912)

‘He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.’ Billy Wilder

Basil
03-06-2008, 06:16 PM
Bravo! and duly forwarded to deserving/ likely appreciative recipients.

Kevin Bonham
05-06-2008, 11:39 PM
‘He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.’ Paul Keating / Robert Muldoon

I did not know that Muldoon had used that one before Keating (in Muldoon's case the shiver apparently wanted to run up and down). It would be interesting to know if that is where Keating got it from.

Bereaved
05-06-2008, 11:43 PM
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains at
the same university.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to
find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap
me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy
Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming
out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory
he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW we don'tsprinkle! I went out and, I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to dowith me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the
rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He
was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running inand out
of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up weakly and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may
not have been the best way to start."


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Adamski
05-06-2008, 11:53 PM
:P I don't recommend evangelism to bears - more dangerous than street evangelism - which I do do.

Garrett
08-07-2008, 06:57 AM
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a court room drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the
degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New South Wales State of Origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not
capable of beating anyone.

Space_Dude
08-07-2008, 11:31 AM
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a court room drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the
degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New South Wales State of Origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not
capable of beating anyone.
Tushe

Igor_Goldenberg
09-07-2008, 10:02 AM
An ad on the petrol station in 2020:
"Fill the full tank and get a brand new car absolutely free"

Rincewind
09-07-2008, 11:58 AM
Not as outlandish as it sounds. Perhaps in the future cars hybrid cars will be the norm (or even necessary) and the "old" cars which could only run on petrol will have a resale value of less than a tank of petrol.

By way of analogy today Gamecube games are often worth more (secondhand) than Gamecube consoles. The reason is the games can be played in the Wii, but Wii games can't be used on the GCN.

Igor_Goldenberg
09-07-2008, 02:59 PM
Not as outlandish as it sounds. Perhaps in the future cars hybrid cars will be the norm (or even necessary) and the "old" cars which could only run on petrol will have a resale value of less than a tank of petrol.

By way of analogy today Gamecube games are often worth more (secondhand) than Gamecube consoles. The reason is the games can be played in the Wii, but Wii games can't be used on the GCN.
It's a jokes thread, not a petrol price discussion (http://www.chesschat.org/showthread.php?t=8247)

Rincewind
09-07-2008, 04:43 PM
It's a jokes thread, not a petrol price discussion (http://www.chesschat.org/showthread.php?t=8247)

Perhaps the petrol price discussion could be moved into this thread without too much of a stretch but my comment was regarding your joke and so not to tax the itinerant BB readers' powers of concentration too heavily I thought it appropriate to reply in the same.

But feel free to reply with a link to the GCN game price discussion. :)

Rincewind
10-07-2008, 12:05 PM
http://filespump.com/archive/PirateEncyclopedia.gif

antichrist
10-07-2008, 08:13 PM
Sybil:
"You know what I will do to you Basil if I find out that you have been gambling again!"

Basil:
"You will have to sew them back on first!"

Bereaved
15-07-2008, 11:21 PM
Hello everyone, unsure of the source, but funny anyway

"I was playing in a tournament in germany one year when a man approached me. Thinking he just wanted an autograph, I reached for my pen, when the man made a startling announcement. 'I've solved chess!' I sensibly started to back away, in case the man was dangerous as well as insane, but the man continued: 'I'll bet you 50 marks that if you come back to my hotel room I can prove it to you.' Well, 50 marks was 50 marks, so I humored the fellow and accompanied him to his room."

"Back at the room, we sat down at his chess board. 'I've worked it all out, white mates in 12 no matter what.' I played black with perhaps a bit incautiously, but I found to my horror that white's pieces coordinated very strangely, and that I was going to be mated on the 12th move!"

"I tried again, and I played a completely different opening that couldn't possibly result in such a position, but after a series of very queer-looking moves, once again I found my king surrounded, with mate to fall on the 12th move. I asked the man to wait while I ran downstairs and fetched Emmanuel Lasker, who was world champion before me. He was extremely skeptical, but agreed to at least come and play. Along the way we snagged Alekhine, who was then world champion, and the three of us ran back up to the room."

"Lasker took no chances, but played as cautiously as could be, yet after a bizarre, pointless-looking series of maneuvers, found himself hemmed in a mating net from which there was no escape. Alekhine tried his hand, too, but all to no avail."

"It was awful! Here we were, the finest players in the world, men who had devoted our very lives to the game, and it was all over! The tournaments, the matches, everything - chess had been solved, white wins."

About this time Capa's friends would break in, saying "Wait a minute, I never heard anything about all this! What happened?"

"Why, we killed him, of course."


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Garrett
17-07-2008, 07:16 AM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.?

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??? ?

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.

Garrett
17-07-2008, 07:17 AM
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money"

The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls"

The Aussie said, "Why can't they f*cking play at night?"

Garrett
17-07-2008, 07:17 AM
A little girl asked her father:
"How did the human race appear?"
The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve;
they had children; and so was all mankind made."
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from
which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her father and said,
"Dad, how is it possible that you told me the
human race was created by God,
and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"
The father answered,
"Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family,
and your mother told you about hers."

Southpaw Jim
17-07-2008, 02:34 PM
NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to
science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it
an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces
called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would
normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to
complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause
more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element
that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as
many peons but twice as many morons.

Marlboroman
18-07-2008, 01:27 PM
There was a young boy called Robbo
Who was kissing a girl in the hollow
He said that his dong
Was 12 inches long
And she replied "That's a hard one to swallow!"

Zwischenzug
18-07-2008, 05:30 PM
I was barely sitting down when I heard someone from the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me,but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So, what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when comes another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them,
"No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear,
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

Zwischenzug
18-07-2008, 06:26 PM
A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial
troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several
cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10
each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The
minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were
likely capable of selling some bibles.

But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had
always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the
minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked
with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their
door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last
week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales
prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on
behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are
indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church
last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I am a
professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's
$280 I collected."

The minister responded, " That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a
professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you
manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened
it and counted the contents.

"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are
you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in
just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are
professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles
as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better
explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh
-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us
what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just
l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to
y-y-you?"

Zwischenzug
18-07-2008, 06:47 PM
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Scorpio
18-07-2008, 07:16 PM
doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party, but their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor finally asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed it was a good idea and decided to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Scorpio
18-07-2008, 07:17 PM
A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot.


As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"

The judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are looking for -- a good judge of character."

"But your honor!" the man protested. "How can you say that?!"

"Because," the judge said, "that man is the defendant's lawyer."

Spiny Norman
21-07-2008, 07:15 AM
Latin Joke of the Day:

Ambulabam praeter asylum insanarum personarum otro die, et omnes aegrorum clamabant, "Tredecim! Tredecim! Tredecim!"
Saepes erat altior quam super videri, sed lacunam parvam in tabulis vidi et pervidi cavum videre quid accideret.
Qui nothus cum baculo me in oculo fodit.
Tum omnes inceperunt clamare, "Quattuordecim! Quattuordecim! Quattuordecim!”

Xoote
22-07-2008, 04:40 AM
:lol: to funny

TheJoker
22-07-2008, 05:53 PM
A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?'
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mum said they came from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'

road runner
11-08-2008, 09:53 AM
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the Lottery!"

Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care! Just as long as you're out of the house by noon!"

Garrett
11-08-2008, 02:37 PM
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the
door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain
out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.
'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.


'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

Garrett
11-08-2008, 02:51 PM
>
> >
> >
> >A lady walks into a high class
> >Jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond
> >bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
> >closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks
> >around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and
> >prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns
> >around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman
> >standing right behind her.Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete
> >professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day,Madam.
> >How may we help you today?'Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the
> >salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little
> >'accident', She asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely
> >bracelet?' He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it,
> >you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'

road runner
14-08-2008, 01:45 PM
http://cgi.ebay.com.au/EMPTY-CONDOM-PACKET-A-PHOTO-OF-THE-TARTS-KNICKERS_W0QQitemZ250280309940QQihZ015QQcategoryZ1 469QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Scorpio
15-08-2008, 05:07 PM
This was written by an emergency medical doctor - patient was alert and unresponsive

Basil
15-08-2008, 08:17 PM
This was written by an emergency medical doctor - patient was alert and unresponsive
Would understand if he were examining Axiom.

road runner
18-08-2008, 01:38 PM
Chuck Norris Facts (http://chucknorrisfacts.com/)

Scorpio
18-08-2008, 05:25 PM
A surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

Scorpio
19-08-2008, 04:55 PM
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Capablanca-Fan
21-08-2008, 05:24 PM
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people..."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral 1: Never, Never, Never Be Late.

Moral 2 : Remember, what you said in the dark will be
repeated in the open.

eclectic
21-08-2008, 06:30 PM
actually no priest worth their salt would EVER mention what was said in a confessional either anonymously or by way of inference

indeed your "joke" is a clear example of why confessional secrecy is a non negotiable condition of the exercising of this sacrament

Capablanca-Fan
08-09-2008, 05:14 PM
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph
was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

Q. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
A. The Bible says . . 'He-brews'

road runner
11-09-2008, 10:07 AM
Putting the sensual back into nonconsensual.

road runner
03-11-2008, 02:00 PM
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, and accidentally bumps into a woman beside him.....and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your p--nis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

Igor_Goldenberg
03-11-2008, 02:32 PM
Q:How the current financial crisis is worse then a divorce?
A:You lose half of your assets, but have to keep your wife.

road runner
10-11-2008, 12:21 PM
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'you know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon .......you got nice house.'

Basil
10-11-2008, 12:31 PM
you got nice house.'
:lol:

Garrett
10-11-2008, 02:36 PM
A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I
tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will
you give me a calf?'

The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at
his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page
on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to
get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The
young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it
to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he
prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP
LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,'
says the Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay,
why not?'

'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess
that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up
here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of
expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to
show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing
about cows .. this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'

Capablanca-Fan
10-11-2008, 03:01 PM
I like it!:lol: :lol:

Garrett
10-11-2008, 03:06 PM
I like it!:lol: :lol:

I thought you might, I liked it too.

You and Duggan have turned me into a rightie.

People at work were going on about the free enviro light bulbs they were getting from the robbing Qld Gov and I said 'where is the money coming from for that' and 'if it was such a great idea you'd already be doing it!'.

Cheers
Garrett.

Garrett
10-11-2008, 03:10 PM
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will
die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three months later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Capablanca-Fan
15-11-2008, 02:21 AM
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Miranda
15-11-2008, 11:11 AM
LOL Jono!

You are funny sometimes :P

Space_Dude
15-11-2008, 11:15 AM
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'you know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon .......you got nice house.'
DIRTY!!!

Igor_Goldenberg
15-11-2008, 03:51 PM
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Reminds me of:

No matter what the temperature in the room is. It's still a room temperature.

Space_Dude
19-11-2008, 02:39 PM
jesus and moses was playing golf, moses took the 5 iron and subk the ball in the lake, jesus took out a 5 iron also, but he was interrupted by moses. moses said 'why r u using 5 iron? my ball went into the lake!' then jesus replied ' tiger woods woulduse it'. jesus hit the ball and the ball went in to the lake. as he was walking on the lake trying to find his golf ball, a guy said to moses, 'wh does he tink he is, jesus?' then moses replied,, 'no, he thinks he's tiger woods'

Garrett
20-11-2008, 07:40 AM
Bottle of wine

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting.I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God!' But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed
to drive.

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.


The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'


MORAL OF THE STORY :

Women are clever, evil bi *&^ s.
Don't mess with them.

Miranda
20-11-2008, 08:27 AM
Women are clever, evil bi *&^ s.
Don't mess with them.

That's the most sensible thing that's been said on CC for a long time! :owned:

Space_Dude
20-11-2008, 11:32 PM
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'

thats mean:(

Bereaved
21-11-2008, 11:41 PM
An elderly man is told by the doctor that he has two pieces of bad news for him

" Firstly, you have AIDS..."

That's terrible !

"Secondly, you have Alzheimers"

Well at least I don't have AIDS, phew....


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Space_Dude
27-11-2008, 07:09 PM
An elderly man is told by the doctor that he has two pieces of bad news for him

" Firstly, you have AIDS..."

That's terrible !

"Secondly, you have Alzheimers"

Well at least I don't have AIDS, phew....


Take care and God Bless, Macavity
AIDS!!!!

road runner
02-12-2008, 12:04 PM
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

Igor_Goldenberg
02-12-2008, 12:41 PM
A new bank opened up that provides loans without the collateral. A prospective client comes in:
- Is it true they you loan money without collateral?
- Certainly.
- How are you sure that I will pay back?
- If you give your word, it's good enough
- But how do you take me to an answer if I brake my word?
- If you brake your word, you don't answer to us, you will answer to G-d
The prospect thinks: "That's easy, why should I be afraid of G-d"?
- Ok, can I take a loan?
- No problem. It's payable on 26th of March
- Excellent!
- If you don't pay by 26th of March, you will meet G-d on 27th of March and answer to him.

Igor_Goldenberg
02-12-2008, 01:29 PM
One of the parents at the kid party is a psychologist. He told me that he heard every psychologist/psychiatrist joke. It turned out, however, he hasn't heard the one below:

A patient comes to a psychiatrist:
- Doctor, I have a problem!
- What seems to be a problem?
- Every night I have a dream that I push a train from Melbourne to Sydney, then back. As a result I wake up every morning completely exhausted.
- I can push train back from Sydney to Melbourne, so you'll be able to have at least half-a-night rest.

Patient comes back a week later telling that he is much better and not as tired as he used to.

Another patient comes to a psychiatrist:
- Doctor, I have a problem!
- What seems to be a problem?
- Every night I have to entertain five gorgeous girls. While it's pleasurable, I wake up completely exhausted.
- I can take care of two of them, that way you'll feel less tired.

He comes back a week later:
- Doctor, thanks to you I feel better, but still tired. Can you take on one more girl, please?
- I can't, I have to push train from Sydney to Melbourne.

Garrett
02-12-2008, 03:06 PM
An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and says
"can I join you?"

WhiteElephant
03-12-2008, 02:20 PM
A man checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He got out the local paper and found an ad for a girl calling herself Eronique. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs. So he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it.

Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

Garrett
04-12-2008, 08:00 AM
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.


Stupid woman...why else would I buy dog food??

Space_Dude
04-12-2008, 08:05 AM
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.


Stupid woman...why else would I buy dog food??
Womans dis days! :lol: GOD!

Space_Dude
04-12-2008, 08:08 AM
A man checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He got out the local paper and found an ad for a girl calling herself Eronique. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs. So he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it.

Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
:eek: How embarrasing!

Space_Dude
04-12-2008, 08:09 AM
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.:lol: :lol: :lol:
Thats so racist!but funny at the same time!

Miranda
04-12-2008, 10:14 AM
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.
:clap: :clap: :clap:

Igor_Goldenberg
09-12-2008, 03:01 PM
Two homeless beggars are talking to each other:
- Can you explain to me about this crisis?
- Simple. Do you have any friends among magnates?
- Of course not.
- You will.

Hugh_Brodie
10-12-2008, 03:51 AM
Here are some PUNch lines. Some have been edited out, since there may be minors reading this :-)

Search the Web for "PUNS" and you'll probably find the rest of the joke.

1. People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
2. There's no plates like chrome for the Hollandaise.
3. Fair boot boy with teaks of Chan.
4. The pie rates of Penn's aunts.
5. Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
6. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
8. It was the beast of Thames; it was the wurst of Thames.
9. Transcend dental medication.
10. Dill waters run steep.
11. Super California mystic - Expert: Halitosis.
13. Making an obscene clone fall.
14. Treads rush in where wise men fear to fool.
15. A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
16. We came to ferry Caesar; not to graze him.
17. We came to seize your berry; not to appraise it.
18. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
19. You wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this.
20. Oh, my baking yak!
21. A four-loaf cleaver.
23. Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn.
24. Taking mynahs over stately lions for immortal porpoises.
26. Squaw bury Shortcake.
27. The squaw on the hippopotamous is equal to the sum of the squaws
on the other two hides.
28. The first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.
29. The lesser of two weevils.
30. Now I weigh me down to sweep.
31. Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
32. The Czech is in the male.
33. You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
34. It's a knick-knack, Paddy Black; give the frog a loan.
35. No tern was left unstoned.
36. With fronds like these, who need anemones?
40. Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina.
41. Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never tha mane shall tweet.
42. Sunday my prints will come.
43. The son never sits on the British umpire.
44. Silly rabbi - kicks are for Trids.
45. It's a long way to tip a Rary.
46. Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.
47. Never hatchet your Counts until they've chickened.
48. It's a hickory Daiquiri, Doc!
49. The herd shot round the world.
50. Don't put all your Basques in one exit.
51. It's not wetter Yewin that counts; it's how you ply the gum.
52. The best Yings in Fife are free.
53. He must have taken Leif off his census.
54. The din of inequity.
55. He who has a Tates is lost.
56. The koala tea of Mercy is not strained.
57. The Whore-Force men of the park ellipse.
58. Reign called off because of game.
59. The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.
60. When Irish spies are filing.
61. Readers digest and writers cramp.
63. I left my harp in Sam Crab's disco.
64. I'll be seeing ewes in all the old familiar braces.
65. That was the bar bitch you ate.
67. A Hun is the lowest form of roomer.
68. One tooth free for Fife's Hicks; Steven ate nine tench.
69. The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich.
70. I tossed a tern all night, and couldn't sweep a link.
71. The taxi-free municipal blondes.
72. The glass is always cleaner on the brother's side of the mill.
73. He that is without shins among you, let him stone the first cast.

Capablanca-Fan
10-12-2008, 04:28 PM
A man owned a small farm in Australia. The Tax Office claimed he
was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out
to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded
the rep.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there's my farm hand who's been with me
for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.”

“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week
plus free room and board.”

“Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week,
pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every
Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That's the guy I want to talk to … the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the farmer.

Igor_Goldenberg
11-12-2008, 10:50 AM
Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
A: A pigeon can still make a deposit on Ferrari.



News report:
Today president Bush met two representatives of small business, CEO of General Motors and CEO of General Electrics.

Watto
11-12-2008, 11:21 AM
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out...
I feel a bit sorry for the woman but that is hilarious...

Saragossa
14-12-2008, 08:27 PM
The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove their capability of apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into a forest and tells each agency to catch it.

The CIA goes first. It sends animal informants into the forest. They question all plant and material witnesses. After three months of intensive investigations, the CIA concludes rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads it bombs the forest killing everything including the rabbit. It makes no apologies, the rabbit had it coming, they insist.

The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten bear. The bear is sobbing, "Ok, Ok, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

John Howard hears about George Jnr's idea and decides to test Australian law enforcement agencies. He releases a white rabbit into Stromlo Forest near Canberra. The National Crime Authority can't catch it but promise that if it gets a budget increase it can recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and proceeds of crime.

The Victoria Police go in. They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with a koala a kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They looked dangerous and we acted in self defence," they explain.

The NSW Police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking officers and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out of their minds.

The Qld Police go in. They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all over them.

The WA Police actually catch the white rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs itself when the attending officer 'slipped out momentarily' for a cup of tea.

The SA and NT Police join forces and beat the crap out of every black rabbit in the forest, except the white one. They know that it is the black ones who cause all the trouble.

The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. It examines the issues, particularly cost, and decides that because of low priority, high overtime and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole, the matter should be referred back to the referring agency for further analysis.

ASIO goes into the wrong forest.

Kevin Bonham
14-12-2008, 08:42 PM
I wonder what Tasmania Police would do.


70. I tossed a tern all night, and couldn't sweep a link.

True story involving very bad puns: A relative (who shall remain nameless in this story) once saw a large flock of terns (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tern) along a shoreline, so many of them that you could hardly see a rock that did not have one on it. He took a photo and called the photo "No stone unterned".

Then he threw a rock in the general direction causing all the terns to fly away, took a photo of them doing so, and called the second photo "No tern unstoned".

Saragossa
14-12-2008, 08:46 PM
"I wonder what Tasmania Police would do."

Book the rabbit for speeding.

Rincewind
14-12-2008, 08:54 PM
True story involving very bad puns: A relative (who shall remain nameless in this story) once saw a large flock of terns (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tern) along a shoreline, so many of them that you could hardly see a rock that did not have one on it. He took a photo and called the photo "No stone unterned".

Then he threw a rock in the general direction causing all the terns to fly away, took a photo of them doing so, and called the second photo "No tern unstoned".

What a booby (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Booby)!

Capablanca-Fan
15-12-2008, 10:30 AM
What a booby (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Booby)!
I've recently so-authored an article about boobies and other Galápagos birds.

Capablanca-Fan
17-12-2008, 01:30 PM
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. . . What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks .

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain ... alone.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one ?

Rincewind
17-12-2008, 01:38 PM
DR PHIL (to the chicken) : So things were tough on this side of the road and you just decided you would up and cross the road without caring about anybody else. WELL HOW IS THAT WORKING FOR YOU?

JERRY SPRINGER: On today's program we have chicken who crossed the road and his new piece of poultry from the other side of the road. After the break we'll see what happens when we bring on stage the original pregnant hen that he left in the trailer park on this side of the road.

Capablanca-Fan
17-12-2008, 03:30 PM
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.- Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.- Billy Crystal

My parents stayed together for over forty years, but that was out of spite.- Woody Allen

There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn't all that important.
-Woody Allen

road runner
18-12-2008, 02:00 PM
30 ways to die of eletricution. (http://brepettis.com/blog/2008/12/11/30-ways-to-die-of-electricution/)

Rincewind
18-12-2008, 02:13 PM
30 ways to die of eletricution. (http://brepettis.com/blog/2008/12/11/30-ways-to-die-of-electricution/)

Thanks Boris, they were classics. I may never wee again.

Capablanca-Fan
18-12-2008, 06:31 PM
Thanks Boris, they were classics. I may never wee again.
On Mythbusters, they showed that it wouldn't happen, because the stream breaks up into drops so there is no continuous conducting path.

Rincewind
18-12-2008, 07:59 PM
On Mythbusters, they showed that it wouldn't happen, because the stream breaks up into drops so there is no continuous conducting path.

Yeah I know. That is one of the few episodes of Mythbusters that I have seen and there is a comment to that effect in the blog too. In fact many of the comments under the pictures were as funny or funnier than the pictures themselves. I particularly liked the observation that people seemed to be particularly shoeless for some reason. :D Perhaps George W Bush had recently visited.

Capablanca-Fan
18-12-2008, 08:34 PM
:D Perhaps George W Bush had recently visited.
Hmm, if that twit, who threw like a girl as Ann Coulter would say, had thrown shoes at his hero Che Guevara, Guevara would have shot him and his family; while he wouldn't have needed shoes any more if he had thrown them at Saddam since his feet would have been shredded.

Capablanca-Fan
23-12-2008, 10:55 PM
There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride.

As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they should both walk.

Soon they passed some people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the best thing would be for them both to ride the donkey.

Soon, they passed a group who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor helpless animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The Moral of the Story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass!

Adamski
24-12-2008, 01:06 PM
There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride.

As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they should both walk.

Soon they passed some people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the best thing would be for them both to ride the donkey.

Soon, they passed a group who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor helpless animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The Moral of the Story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass!:lol: !!

MichaelBaron
25-12-2008, 06:40 PM
The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove their capability of apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into a forest and tells each agency to catch it.

The CIA goes first. It sends animal informants into the forest. They question all plant and material witnesses. After three months of intensive investigations, the CIA concludes rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads it bombs the forest killing everything including the rabbit. It makes no apologies, the rabbit had it coming, they insist.

The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten bear. The bear is sobbing, "Ok, Ok, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

John Howard hears about George Jnr's idea and decides to test Australian law enforcement agencies. He releases a white rabbit into Stromlo Forest near Canberra. The National Crime Authority can't catch it but promise that if it gets a budget increase it can recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and proceeds of crime.

The Victoria Police go in. They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with a koala a kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They looked dangerous and we acted in self defence," they explain.

The NSW Police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking officers and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out of their minds.

The Qld Police go in. They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all over them.

The WA Police actually catch the white rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs itself when the attending officer 'slipped out momentarily' for a cup of tea.

The SA and NT Police join forces and beat the crap out of every black rabbit in the forest, except the white one. They know that it is the black ones who cause all the trouble.

The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. It examines the issues, particularly cost, and decides that because of low priority, high overtime and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole, the matter should be referred back to the referring agency for further analysis.

ASIO goes into the wrong forest.

Sounds like a true story :)

road runner
28-01-2009, 12:17 PM
You have got to read this:

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/blog/editors_corner/article/11975/

Igor_Goldenberg
30-01-2009, 12:04 PM
"Immediately after his inauguration, Obama will balance the budget, revive the economy, solve the real estate problem, solve the auto industry problem, solve our gas/alternative energy problem, stop the fires and mudslides in California, ban hurricanes and tornadoes, stop identity theft, eliminate spam e-mails, reverse global warming, find Osama, solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, get rid of corruption in government and achieve world peace.Then, on the 7th day, He will rest"

Space_Dude
30-01-2009, 03:59 PM
"Immediately after his inauguration, Obama will balance the budget, revive the economy, solve the real estate problem, solve the auto industry problem, solve our gas/alternative energy problem, stop the fires and mudslides in California, ban hurricanes and tornadoes, stop identity theft, eliminate spam e-mails, reverse global warming, find Osama, solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, get rid of corruption in government and achieve world peace.Then, on the 7th day, He will rest"
:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

antichrist
02-02-2009, 05:57 PM
"Immediately after his inauguration, Obama will balance the budget, revive the economy, solve the real estate problem, solve the auto industry problem, solve our gas/alternative energy problem, stop the fires and mudslides in California, ban hurricanes and tornadoes, stop identity theft, eliminate spam e-mails, reverse global warming, find Osama, solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, get rid of corruption in government and achieve world peace.Then, on the 7th day, He will rest"

But the Palestinians insist the agreement being the very next day, the Sabbath, and the Ortho Jews wont agree so back to bombs

road runner
03-02-2009, 01:19 PM
Cake Decorator Takes Flash Drive Photograph a Bit Too Literally (http://www.gizmodo.com.au/2009/02/cake_decorator_takes_flash_drive_photograph_a_bit_ too_literally-2.html)

Note to anyone buying a custom cake: Always print the picture you'd like recreated in frosting. Never just hand over a USB drive expecting things to work themselves out.






1222

Igor_Goldenberg
05-02-2009, 01:32 PM
Cake Decorator Takes Flash Drive Photograph a Bit Too Literally (http://www.gizmodo.com.au/2009/02/cake_decorator_takes_flash_drive_photograph_a_bit_ too_literally-2.html)

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Adamski
05-02-2009, 09:03 PM
You have got to read this:

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/blog/editors_corner/article/11975/
Thanks for that, Boris. And Branson rang the complainant himself. Good move.

Mokum
07-02-2009, 06:16 PM
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?
He said, Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

Space_Dude
08-02-2009, 09:08 AM
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?
He said, Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Thhis a true story??

Capablanca-Fan
08-02-2009, 10:29 AM
Thhis a true story??
No, just a joke I've heard in many variants over the years.

Kevin Bonham
09-02-2009, 12:10 AM
Indeed; while there is a truly incredible proliferation of Baptist denominations in the USA, there doesn't seem to be a "Reformed Baptist Church of God"

Igor_Goldenberg
13-02-2009, 03:30 PM
While in pursuit of the suspect, Sergeant Johnson from Victoria police fired twice in the air, but missed.

Space_Dude
13-02-2009, 03:31 PM
While in pursuit of the suspect, Sergeant Johnson from Victoria police fired twice in the air, but missed.
and killed the guy he was persuing??

road runner
20-02-2009, 09:50 AM
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon Hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f * cking fault."

that Caesar guy
21-02-2009, 07:33 AM
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon Hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f * cking fault."
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:.
Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is a good joke!

JM

Jim_Flood
21-02-2009, 09:14 PM
http://www.stolaf.edu/services/cel/E-Newsletter/notmyjob.jpg

Jim_Flood
21-02-2009, 09:16 PM
An Italian Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
''I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

road runner
03-03-2009, 04:07 PM
My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the tv?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....

Basil
05-03-2009, 10:14 AM
Apparently. these are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Garrett
20-04-2009, 08:06 AM
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”
“'We don't have any money for food,” the poor man replied, “'we have to eat grass.”
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”
“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!”

puppetTears
23-04-2009, 05:57 AM
lawlz

Hobbes
26-04-2009, 02:31 PM
A constant function and e^x are walking on Broadway. Then suddenly the constant function sees a differential operator approaching and runs away. So e^x follows him and asks why the hurry. "Well, you see, there's this differential operator coming this way, and when we meet, he'll differentiate me and nothing will be left of me...!" "Ah," says e^x, "he won't bother ME, I'm e to the x!" and he walks on. Of course he meets the differential operator after a short distance.

e^x: "Hi, I'm e^x"

diff.op.: "Hi, I'm d/dy"

Rincewind
26-04-2009, 04:32 PM
A constant function and e^x are walking on Broadway. Then suddenly the constant function sees a differential operator approaching and runs away. So e^x follows him and asks why the hurry. "Well, you see, there's this differential operator coming this way, and when we meet, he'll differentiate me and nothing will be left of me...!" "Ah," says e^x, "he won't bother ME, I'm e to the x!" and he walks on. Of course he meets the differential operator after a short distance.

e^x: "Hi, I'm e^x"

diff.op.: "Hi, I'm d/dy"

I wouldn't be scare of d/dy unless dx/dy = 0.

Of course I would be scared of ∂/∂y. :eek:

But then the joke would only be partially funny.

Basil
26-04-2009, 04:58 PM
The trouble with you maths boffins is that your jokes don't appeal to the lowest common denominator.

Rincewind
26-04-2009, 05:24 PM
The trouble with you maths boffins is that your jokes don't appeal to the lowest common denominator.

The funniest maths joke goes as follows

Alice: What is the integral of 1/cabin with respect to cabin?
Bob: log cabin
Alice: No it's houseboat, you forgot to add the C.

Capablanca-Fan
26-04-2009, 09:02 PM
The empirical formula of these jokes are made of Cobalt, Radon, and Yttrium:

CoRnY

A quantum physicist walks into a bar. . . maybe.

Q: What do you get when you mix iron, bromine, uranium, argon, and yttrium?
A: FeBrUArY

Q: How would a magic show by W.A. Spooner be like an experiment by B.F. Skinner?
A: It would involve pulling a habit out of a rat.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Elephant x Grape x sin(theta
Q: What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a mountain climber?
A: You can't cross a vector and a scaler!

Q: What's the value of a contour integral around Western Europe?
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe.

Q:What did the lion do to the particle physicists?
A:It lepton him!

Q: Where does bad light go?
A: To a prism.

Q: What does a molecular biologist and a porn star have in common?
A: they both get paid to remove their genes!

Q: What's the volume of a pizza of thickness a and radius z?
A: Pi zz a

A man is ambling along when he sees a series of resistors lying in his neighbor's garden. Confused, he walks up to his neighbor and asks her about it. She smiles sheepishly and says, "I have a lot of Garden Ohms, I know.

Power, Work, and Energy are walking along when suddenly someone walks up and kicks energy. All three fall down in agony.
"Hey!" yells energy, "I'm the one that got hit, not you guys! Why are you moaning?"
"Are you kidding?" Yells Power. "We just got kicked in the Joules!"

Q:What did the rock say to the geologist?
A:Do not take me for granite.

What does a chemist do when he sees a fire? He calculates the heat of reaction and synthesizes a suitably endothermic reaction to put it out.

Two protons walk into a bar talking about a mutual friend.
Proton: Did you hear Electron 7 got thrown into orbit an wasn't happy about it?
Proton 2: Yea, well. He's always been negative that way.

The Physicist, upon seeing all the waves, gets very excited and runs into the water, disappearing.
The Marine Biologist, aware of tremendous variety of marine life in the ocean, also gets very excited, and runs into the water, disappearing.
The Chemist pulls out her notebook, and writes "The Physicist and the Marine Biologist are soluble in water"

Q: While walking into a lab, how does one know which lab is it?...
A: -If it's green and wabbles - it's a biology lab.
- If it's stink - it's a chemistry lab
- And if it doesn't work - it's a physics lab...

Q: What happened to the molecular biologist who swallowed a beaker full of restriction endonucleases?
A:He came to a sticky end...

Chemistry is killing me: anytime I do a Diels-Alder reaction, I think I'm diene.

A fermi-function shared is a fermi-function halved.

Q: What did one lab rat say to the other?
A: "I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.

Did you hear about the biologist who had twins? She baptized one and kept the other as a control!

Q: Why don't catholics pray for forgiveness when sitting down?
A: Because there's no syn elimination in the chair conformation!

Q: What did the receiver say to the radio wave?
A: Ow! That megahertz.

What people didn't know about Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz is that she always knew that throwing water on the Wicked Witch of the West would cause her to melt. Dorothy was a chemist and knew that the witch was acidic based on the following equation:

W1TCH + H2O --> W1TC- + H+(aq)

Q: What does a sperm do when he meets the egg of his dreams ?
A: He loses his head !

Q: Why did DNA go to old navy ?
A: His genes were splitting!

Hydrogen and Chlorine were chillin' in their dorm in Baltimore when Hydrogen suddenly said, "Let's go to California together!"
Chlorine replied, "Now that's an acid trip!"

Hydrogen is such a whore, it'll bond to anything!
Helium is such a prude.

Q: What is the difference between a Quantum Theorist and a Beauty
Therapist?
A: The Quantum Theorist uses Planck's Constant as a foundation,
whereas the Beauty Therapist uses Max Factor.

Q:What do you call a chemical rxn between zinc and arsenic?
A: A shocker!

The highest educational degree is actually quite basic. I mean, come on. It's pH D.

Scientist - "for my next experiment I intend to prove that neutrons have mass."
Langdon - "neutrons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic"

The Name's Bond, Ionic Bond... taken, not shared

A small furry animal walks into a bar, orders a drink. Bartender looks at him, says "Sorry, the occupancy is 6.022x10²³. We cannot serve a mole."

Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A: A one molar solution.

Around the holidays a favorite carol around the lab is, "Oh chemis-tree, oh chemis-tree"

Two gases are talking to each other and they see another gas walk by. . .
gas 1: man that is the IDEAL gas
gas 2: eww you pvnrt!

Q:Why does e^x hate going to parties?
A:Because no matter how hard he tries, he always fails to integrate

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Coefficient of Friction.
Interupting Coefficient of Friction wh...
Mu!

I wish I was Adenine so I can be paired with U!

*Pointed out correction to above*
I wish I was an adenine in an RNA molecule that does exhibit double stranded regions (eg tRNA), then you COULD pair with 'U'

A British fellow walks into a chemists shop, grabs a bottle of Adenosine TriPhosphate and tells the man at the counter that he'd like to buy it. The man behind the counter rings it up, then holds out his hand. "Alright, that'll be eighty P." (A-T P(ense))

Q:Whats new(nu)?
A:Why c over lambda of course!!

Q:Why did the cow fall off the roof?
A:Because he lost his μ.

A little boy refused to run anymore. When his mother asked him why, he replied, "I heard that the faster you go, the shorter you become."

Two eyes walk in a bar. After sitting down, one eye says to the other, "between us, something smells."
SCIENCE-ified!:
Two Is walk in a bar, and one I says to the other, "between us, there's a covalent bond."

At NIH (National Institute of Health), there is a sign on the door of a microbiology lab that reads "STAPH ONLY!"

Outside his buckyball home, one molecule overheard another molecule saying, "I'm positive that a free electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them."

Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes

There is a sign in Munich that says, "Heisenberg might have slept here."

When a third grader was asked to cite Newton's first law, she said, "Bodies in motion remain in motion, and bodies at rest stay in bed unless their mothers call them to get up."

It is reported that Copernicus' parents said the following to him at the age of twelve: "Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you."

Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.

Do you have mole problems? If so, call Avogadro at 6022-1023.

Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.

Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A: A ferrous wheel:

Here is a historical note: In the 1980's, in an effort to increase public awareness about the importance of chemistry, the American Chemical Society posted billboards with a picture of C6H10 and the title, "It takes alkynes to make a world."

Q: What did Donald Duck say in his graduate physics class?
A: Quark, quark, quark

If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase...that way I could unzip your genes.

So I was talking to Heisenburg the other day and I asked him, "Hows it going?" and he said, "Not so good..."
I asked "Why not so good?" and he said "Well.. it's the ladies.. I just cant get any!"
I said "Why not? I mean you'd think the ladies would be swarming you with international fame and all."
His reply was "Well, they are.. they are.. it's just when I've got the time I haven't got the energy and when I've got the energy I havent got the time...."

Some dates have called me a promotor. Others have referred to me as a real operator. Personally, I think I'm just a cute piece of DNA who is still looking for that special transcription factor to help me unwind

Q. Where does one put the dishes?
A. In the Zinc.

Two polypeptides are at a party. One walks up to the other and says, "hey baby, nice acid!"

Q:What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?
Engineer: If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.
Physicist: If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.
Mathematician: If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.

Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.

Underaged Pb walks into a bar and the bartender tuns to the gold bouncer and says," Au, get the lead out!"

Q. What do you do when you find a dead chemist?
A. Barium.

A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Bunsen! my flame! I melt whenever I see you" said the ice. The Bunsen burner replied :"It's just a phase you're going through".

Q:What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron?
A:A KNiFe.

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?
Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

There was an old lady called Wright
who could travel much faster than light.
She departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night.

Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen? They bonded well from the minute they met.

Q: If H20 is water what is H204?
A: Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming.

Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A theoretical physicist is one that is postulated to exist, but has never been actually observed in the laboratory.

Q: What's the difference between Chemistry and cooking?
A: In Chemistry,you should never lick the spoon.

Q:If a mole of moles, were digging a
mole of holes, what would you see?
A:A mole of molasses.

Q:What do you call a black bird's wife?
A:chromate

Q:What Io did before entering heaven?
A:iodide

Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding:
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the police officer asks, incredulously.
"No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!"

Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: They can't change light bulbs but they can run expensive computer simulations which predict the lifetime of the bulb with order of magnitude accuracy.

Q:There's a bear in Alaska and a bear in Yosemite, which one drowns?
A:The one in Alaska because it's polar.

Two atoms are walking down the street.
Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure??"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

Little Willie was a chemist.
Little Willie is no more.
For what he thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!

A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?

A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of drinks As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes. The waiter replies, "For you, No Charge!!!"

A mosquito cried out in pain:
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane

Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.

The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason (long logical explanation follows).' In the middle of it, the experimentalist says 'Wait a minute', studies the chart for a second, and says, 'Oops, this is upside down.' He fixes it. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...'.

A sign outside the chemistry hotel reads "Great Day Rates, Even Better NO3-'s"

Famous last words

Nuclear physicist: See, cold fusion does not work.
Nuclear physisist: What was the critical mass, exactly?
Physisist: And now we reach absolute zero.
Astronomer: That asteroid won't hit the Earth.
Chemist: And now the tasting test.
Chemist: And now a little bit from this...
Chemist: And now shake it a bit.
Chemist: Why is there no label on this bottle?
Chemist: In which glass was my mineral water?
Chemist: Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
Chemist: First the acid, then the water...
Chemist: Oh no, wrong beaker...
Microbiologist: These bacteria cannot live outside the substrate.
Field biologist: They never attack humans.

Murphy's Ten Laws for String Theorists:

(1) If you fix a mistake in a mathematical superstring calculation, another one will show up somewhere else.
(2) If your results are based on the work of others, then one such work will turn out to be wrong. (3) The longer your article, the more likely your computer hard disk drive will fail while you are typing the references.
(4) The better your research result, the more likely it will be rejected by the referee of a journal; on the other hand, if your work is wrong but not obviously so, it will be accepted for publication right away.
(5) If a result seems to good to be true, it is unless you are one of the top ten string theorists in the world. (By the way, these theorists refer to their results as "string miracles".)
(6) Your most startling string-theoretic theorem will turn out to be valid in only two spatial dimensions or less.
(7) When giving a string seminar, nobody will follow anything you say after the first minute, but, if miraculously someone does, then that person will point out a flaw in your reasoning half-way through your talk and what will be worse is that your grant review officer will happen to be in the audience.
(8) For years, nobody will ever notice the fudge factors in your calculations, but when you come up for tenure they will surface like fish being tossed fresh breadcrumbs.
(9) If you are a graduate student working on string theory, then the field will be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.; Even worse, if you start over with a new thesis topic, the new field will also be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.
(10) If you discover an interesting string model, then it will predict at least one low-energy, observable particle not seen in Nature.

In summary, anything in string theory that theoretically can go wrong will go wrong, but if nothing does go theoretically wrong, then experimentally it is ruled out.

Ten little known facts about relativity:
(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
(2) Energy equals milk chocolate square (attributed to Albert E. Hersey)
(3) Delivery of Christmas gifts by Santa to the children of the world is now accomplished by riding Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.
(4) The general relativity theory of gravitation is responsible for people falling in love.
(5) The speed of an IRS tax refund is constant.
(6) Anger is neither created nor conserved but only changed from one form to another.
(7) The speed of time is one second per second, which is also called the fundamental unity.
(8) Death and taxes are the same for all constantly moving observers.
(9) Moving midgets are shortened.
(10) Divorce and alimony are equivalent but the latter is multiplied by an enormous factor.

Question: What is "IT"?

Geologists do IT on the ground.
Astronomers do IT all night.
Chemists do IT by bonding.
Chemists also do IT on a table, periodically.
Newton did IT with force.
Eighteenth century physicists did IT with rigid bodies.
Maxwell did IT with magnetism.
Analytical Chemists do it with precision and accuracy.
Volta did IT with a jolt.
Watt did IT with power.
Joule did IT with energy.
Ohm did IT with resistance.
Pascal did IT under pressure.
Hooke did IT using springs.
Coulomb got all charged up about IT.
Hertz did IT frequently.
Boltzmann did IT in heat.
Ampere let IT flow.
For Franklin, IT was an electrifying experience.
Edison claims to have invented IT.
When Richter did IT, the Earth shook.
For Darwin, IT was natural.
Freud did IT in his sleep.
Mendel studied the consequences of IT.
When Wegener did IT, continents moved.
Classical physicists do IT in perfectly uniform harmonic motion.
Heisenberg was never sure whether he even did IT.
Bohr did IT in an excited state.
Pauli did IT but excluded his friends.
Schrödinger did IT in waves.
Bose did IT with partners.
Einstein did IT on a curved surface.
Oort did IT in a cloud.
Hubble did IT in the dark.
Watson and Crick got all wound up about IT.
Cosmologists do IT in a big bang.
Theorists do IT on paper.
Wigner did IT in a group.
Richter and Ting did IT with charm.
Astrophysicists do IT with young starlets.
Planetary scientists do IT with Uranus.
Electron microscopists do IT 100,000 times.
Feynman did IT in fields.
Hawking wrote a brief history of IT.
And super symmetric theorists do IT with sleptons.
Soil chemists do IT dirty.

Answer: IT = science, of course.

Capablanca-Fan
28-04-2009, 01:38 AM
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.

Redmond Barry
28-04-2009, 02:29 AM
i once heard a frenchman getting told this joke at work ........


question - how do you know a frenchman has been in your back yard ?
answer - your garbage has been eaten and your pets are pregnant. ;) ;)


(a joke told by a guy who depended on getting to work with the same frenchman.)

Garrett
29-04-2009, 02:43 PM
THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child?

Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?

Why didn't ye call?

Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad...I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? :evil:

Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff..'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.

road runner
29-04-2009, 04:22 PM
AUNTY SHARON

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment to get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one told their stories. Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.'

'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is: 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss.

melina
01-05-2009, 11:18 AM
INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5,and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

------------------------------------------

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0; program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommendCooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck
Tech Support

Rincewind
01-05-2009, 11:55 AM
Question: What is "IT"?

Edison claims to have invented IT.
Freud did IT in his sleep.
Mendel studied the consequences of IT.
Hawking wrote a brief history of IT.

Answer: IT = science, of course.

I would contend that at least these four do not make sense if IT = science.

AFAIK Edison did not claim to have "invented" science, Freud methods were not particularly scientific, Mendel studied the consequences of inheritance not science and Hawking as not written a brief history of science that I'm aware of, (the closest well-known work would be And God Created the Integers which is a rather lengthy book on purely mathematical breakthroughs).

road runner
05-05-2009, 03:29 PM
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

Basil
05-05-2009, 04:34 PM
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
:hmm:

road runner
05-05-2009, 04:36 PM
bar tender

Basil
05-05-2009, 04:39 PM
bar tender
yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees :hmm:

road runner
05-05-2009, 04:43 PM
Word play on "tender". Don't worry, it's really not worth it.

Try this one instead (swine flu):

Capablanca-Fan
05-05-2009, 04:44 PM
INSTALLING A WIFE

To: Tech Support

Dear Sir,
Last year I upgraded my system from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began creating problems within the system processing and that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 2.3, Fishing Trip 3.2 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the entire system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while running my other favorite applications. Whichever module or software I enter, only Wife 1.0 seems to run and nothing else. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall from Wife 1.0 to Girlfriend 7.0 does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks,
Concerned

To: Concerned
Dear Concerned,

This is a very common problem men users of the Wife 1.0 software complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception of the software.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed!! You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under “Worries Invited For Ever (Wife 1.0)”. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding general partnership faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action to solve this major IT problem of yours will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend you to install the latest gift software like Flowers 2.1, Necklaces 3.2, and Chocolates 5.0.

NB: Do not under any circumstances, install Secretary With Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application; in fact it is a deadly virus for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

regards,
Tech Support

Rincewind
11-05-2009, 06:58 PM
There is a man who liked to drink and his wife said to him that if he ever comes home drunk again she will leave him.

So he goes to the pub one day gets very drunk and throws up over himself. He says to his friends that if he goes home now his wife will leave him. So they say, put $50 note in your coat pocket and when you go home tell your wife that a man threw up on you at the pub and he gave you the $50 for the dry cleaning bill.

So he does this goes home and his wife says that he's drunk and that she will leave him but he protests and says that a man at the pub threw up over him and to prove it here is the $50 he gave me for the cleaning bill, and he produced the $50 from his coat pocket. And his wife sees that there are two $50 notes in his pocket and ask what the other one is for. To which he replies, Oh yes, the other $50 is from the man who shat in my pants.

Mischa
11-05-2009, 10:40 PM
yuk

Basil
12-05-2009, 02:38 PM
oHK-ioV8UE8

Capablanca-Fan
12-05-2009, 03:09 PM
Good one! That may be where Reagan got this one:

QgNthZf6g7A&

Sinister
12-05-2009, 04:27 PM
There was three religious people in a car crash, they all died and went to heaven. Before they could enter they had to answer a question asked by Jesus. The first person was asked 'what was the name of the first female on earth?' the person replied "Eve" and Jesus let him in. The next person was asked 'what was the name of the first male on earth?' the person thought about it and said "Adam" and Jesus let her in. Jesus then turned to the final person and said "the other people got easy questions so I'm going to make yours really hard. What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" the person just stood there and thought for several minutes but couldn't think of the answer and replied "that is a hard one" and Jesus let him in.

Space_Dude
12-05-2009, 05:09 PM
There was three religious people in a car crash, they all died and went to heaven. Before they could enter they had to answer a question asked by Jesus. The first person was asked 'what was the name of the first female on earth?' the person replied "Eve" and Jesus let him in. The next person was asked 'what was the name of the first male on earth?' the person thought about it and said "Adam" and Jesus let her in. Jesus then turned to the final person and said "the other people got easy questions so I'm going to make yours really hard. What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" the person just stood there and thought for several minutes but couldn't think of the answer and replied "that is a hard one" and Jesus let him in.
GROSS!!!!!!!

Rincewind
12-05-2009, 05:20 PM
yuk

I got that joke from Clement Freud.

Capablanca-Fan
14-05-2009, 10:53 AM
Blonde product of the American government school system

zqi0DwNLJdM

Capablanca-Fan
19-05-2009, 04:48 PM
In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as "English Weather."

Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as "Muslim Weather."

In other words — partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

Trent Parker
19-05-2009, 05:36 PM
They said pigs will fly when america has a black president..... well....... Obama became president and a year later swine flu!

Igor_Goldenberg
20-05-2009, 12:29 PM
For the purpose of political correctness Montenegro was renamed to Monte AfroAmericano.

Igor_Goldenberg
20-05-2009, 12:30 PM
Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a big pizza?
A: Big pizza can feed a family of four.

Garrett
25-05-2009, 06:42 AM
A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard ! '

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.'

Garrett
25-05-2009, 07:00 AM
A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession.

Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years '.

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says,

'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said 'I don't think you understand.

My name was Brian and I played rugby for New Zealand . . ..

Basil
27-05-2009, 08:51 PM
#1 above was excellent Garrett!

------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil the Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone.

I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but. All you do before brekky is make ya bed and shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothing.

Men must shave, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to see what ya doing.

Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock.

This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's head and it doesn't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnson's did when our bull got their cow pregnant before the Ekka. Alls ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss.

You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload.

Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - its not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve all at once like we do.Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6 foot 8 and 105 kilos and I'm 5 foot six and 57 kilos, but I fought to the end.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Sheryl

Capablanca-Fan
29-05-2009, 06:39 PM
“A cheerful heart is the best medicine.”

Swine flu is nothing to sneeze at

Someone I know called the swine flu helpline—but all they heard was crackling …

Any email you get from the Department of Health stating that you can get swine flu from eating tinned ham should be ignored. It's just spam.

My pre-schooler’s teacher asked my daughter to stay at home for a wee…wee…wee…week, like a good little piggy

Remedy for Swine Flu: Lock yourself in a smoke filled room overnight and by the morning you will be cured.

This is serious business. My daughter woke up this morning with her hair in pigtails.

I think I have swine flu…….I’ve come out in rashers

You’ll need a special oinkment; pick-up by hambulance

They used to say if a black man became President pigs would fly. Well swine flu.

The media is labeling the Swine Flu a "pandemic" because a handful of tourists returned from Mexico with a fever, vomiting, diarrhea. But doesn't everybody come home from Mexico with a fever, vomiting, and diarrhea?

Saragossa
30-05-2009, 01:15 AM
They say a man had it long term like, ever since he fought in Vietham.

Basil
30-05-2009, 06:15 AM
Why God never Received Tenure at a University

1. Because He had only one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. And it had no cited references.
4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
5. And some even doubt He wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world but what has he done since?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
9. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
10. He expelled his first two students for learning.
11. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
12. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
[Source: unknown; supposedly based on a column in Ann Landers]

Reasons why He doesn't care:

1. He's the boss.
2. His only publication is still the most influential in the field, with millions of citations a year.
3. Sure He didn't write it Himself, but with 12 grad students, would you?
4. Disagree with Him, and you may end up in hell.
5. Nobody can beat His 4.5 billion years of field work and 3.5 billion years of DNA expertise.
6. His research facilities are simply the best: Even well funded scientists will admit they work in conditions which are "far from Heaven" when asked.

Space_Dude
30-05-2009, 04:12 PM
A neutron walked in to a bar and asked 'How much for a drink?', then the bartender answered, 'for you? no charge.' :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Space_Dude
30-05-2009, 04:21 PM
A bus with 3 couples crashed, there was 2 staright couples and a gay couple. when the couples went to heaven, they asked 'can we go in to heaven?' and god replied 'no, beacuse you're too greedy and like money so much, you married a girl called penny.' the couple was pissed and went to hell. the next couple asked the same question and god replied, 'no, because you like food so much you married a girk called candy.' they were pissed and went to hell, then the gay couple asked the same question, but he just simply laughed and said 'this doesnt look pretty for ya dick!'

Capablanca-Fan
30-05-2009, 04:49 PM
... Your loving daughter,
Sheryl
My wife and daughter thought it was hilarious, esp. when they got to the last line.

road runner
04-06-2009, 12:30 PM
you find out interesting things when you have sons, like:-

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200 m2 house to a depth of 10 cm.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room.

5. You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies,

10.Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

11.Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.Super glue is forever.

13.No matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.Pool filters do not like jelly crystals.

15.VCR's do not eject 'BL&T' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is.

19.Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.The fire department in Brisbane, Qld, has a 5-minute response time.

21.The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

road runner
04-06-2009, 01:00 PM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....



' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

Capablanca-Fan
15-06-2009, 01:39 AM
The Sultan of Brunei had a deadly blood disease and needed a transfusion. But the only suitable donor was Angus McTavish of Edinburgh. After the transfusion, the Sultan rewarded Angus with $100,000. A month later, another transfusion was required, and this time the reward was only $10,000. Yet another month, another transfusion … and this time:

a thank-you note.

Capablanca-Fan
15-06-2009, 11:19 AM
Rural Australian Computer Terminology

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

road runner
15-06-2009, 01:38 PM
A man walks into a bar, "I'll have a beer please."

The bartender replies, "Certainly sir, that will be 5 cents".

"5 cents - are you sure?"

"Yes sir, all the drinks here are 5 cents."

The man orders a few more drinks, and pays 5 cents each. Eventually the man's guilt catches up wih him, "Look, does your boss know you're selling these drinks for 5 cents?"

"No, he doesn't. But he's doing to my wife what I'm doing to his business."

Garvinator
15-06-2009, 06:53 PM
From the Australian newspaper.

Capablanca-Fan
18-06-2009, 06:59 PM
It's a good thing church members have a good sense of horrors …

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water”. The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus”.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off — let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again”, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM — prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge — Up Yours.”

Rincewind
18-06-2009, 09:34 PM
Perhaps it is my religious upbringing (and Dave Allen) but I quite like church related humour. I particularly like this one...


Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

Rincewind
19-06-2009, 02:53 PM
Q: By what method does a chemist approximate the area under a curve in a graph?

A: They plot the curve on paper of constant known density and thickness; cut out the piece under the curve and weigh it.

Rincewind
27-06-2009, 12:29 PM
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea — one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted”, and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the cod again and he thought that perhaps the fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn’t see his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked.

“He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark”, came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.”

Christian replied, “No way man, you’ll eat me. you’re now a shark, the enemy and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”

Justin cried back, “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed. I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again Christian”.

Kevin Bonham
27-06-2009, 01:47 PM
^^^ I like it.

road runner
28-06-2009, 08:47 AM
As is typical, the media have exaggerated reports of Michael Jackson's death; he simply went into a childrens' hospital and had a stroke.

road runner
01-07-2009, 08:10 AM
A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young Sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the Ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the s#&t out of the lot of ya’s!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

Igor_Goldenberg
03-07-2009, 02:15 PM
- Doctor, Will he be alright?
- Hard to say. Heart attack, multiple bone fractures.
- Can I talk to him?
- By no means, it's impossible. If you want, tell me and I pass it on to him.
- Ask him whether I passed a driving test.

kjenhager
03-07-2009, 09:26 PM
After one of my recent blunders i was known to remark :

" If my brain were here right now , i would sure as hell give it a piece of my mind ! "

ElevatorEscapee
03-07-2009, 09:45 PM
A couple in Africa, due to poverty, were forced to give away for adoption their identical twin sons.

One, later named Juan, went to a caring Spanish family.

The other, later named Amahl, went to a caring Egyptian family,

Many years later, Juan got in touch with his birth mother and sent some photos of how well he was doing in his life.

His mother cried with happiness, and exclaimed to her husband: "I wish we had this sort of information about Amahl!"

Her husband wasn't impressed, and responded: "They are identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl!" :P

(OK... that was actually pretty bad).

Mischa
03-07-2009, 10:09 PM
cute but

Basil
06-07-2009, 01:33 AM
I likey. Best to have that juan one told in person rather than reading so you can throw something at the teller :P

Capablanca-Fan
27-07-2009, 11:05 PM
Priest's Dying Wish!

In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Treasurer Wayne Swan would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Kevin commented to Wayne, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT". Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kevin’s hand in his right hand and Wayne’s hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Kevin Rudd spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Kevin. "Amen", said Wayne.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

Jim_Flood
01-08-2009, 07:45 PM
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Rudd fans.

Not really knowing what an Rudd fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny in the front row.

The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different.

'Because I'm not a Rudd fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Rudd fan?'

'Because I'm a Liberal.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.

Johnny proudly answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Johnny replied, 'That would make me a Rudd fan.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

***VIRUS WARNING***ALERT***

If you receive an email entitled ”nude photos of Sarah Palin,
don’t open it. It could contain a virus.



If you receive an email entitled ”nude photos of Julia Gillard,
don’t open it. It could contain nude photos of Julia Gillard.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stevie Wonder has some words to say about the death of Michael Jackson.

... --- ... ____ .. --... ..... .. - .. __ ... --- ... ____ .. --... ..... .. - .. __ ... --- ... ____ .. --... ..... .. - .. __ ... --- ... ____ .. --... ..... .. - .. __

And this

... --- ... ____ .. --... ..... .. - .. __

made me cry it did.

Basil
01-08-2009, 08:16 PM
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Rudd fans....
Not much gives the missus and me a chuckle on the political scene ATM. This was thoroughly enjoyed by both and sent on to others who will enjoy :D

Thanks Jim

aransandraseg
01-08-2009, 10:46 PM
Funny
A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign reading: "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry."

Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by an obviously Oriental man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt.

"How come you have a name like that?" inquired the stranger.

The Oriental explained in very broken English that when he landed in America he was standing in the immigration line behind a German. When asked his name, the German replied, "Hans Schmidt."

When the immigration official asked the Oriental his name, he replied, "SAM TING."

aransandraseg
01-08-2009, 10:51 PM
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes: Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker .. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’ ‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ;

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
<<LOLIGANS IN ROFLCOPTERS>>

:D

aransandraseg
01-08-2009, 10:52 PM
look at my jokes.
Their so funny.
(lol got them off the internet.)

Garrett
17-08-2009, 10:14 AM
Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of Qld premier Anna Bligh.

The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the Premier,

who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and spending of $1.73 million, a special commission presented the following findings:


1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.


3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

Space_Dude
17-08-2009, 11:04 PM
Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of Qld premier Anna Bligh.

The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the Premier,

who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and spending of $1.73 million, a special commission presented the following findings:


1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.


3. People are spitting on the wrong side.
What's wrong with the premier??

Igor_Goldenberg
18-08-2009, 11:03 AM
What's wrong with the premier??
She is not adhesive. Maybe velcro based?

Rincewind
18-08-2009, 11:37 AM
She is not adhesive. Maybe velcro based?

Success in politics relies on not being adhesive. So my money is on her being Teflon® based. :lol:

Garrett
18-08-2009, 01:04 PM
What's wrong with the premier??

yeah I don't get it either Tony.

I would have just attached the stamp with one of those voodoo pins.

Jim_Flood
19-08-2009, 10:51 PM
An oldie but a goody amended for today's political climate.

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said "Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters".

"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia.

"Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".

"Right" said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.

They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer".

"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up"

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the
cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes".

Garrett
31-08-2009, 08:30 AM
My friend was in the pub yesterday when she suddenly realized she desperately needed to fart.

The music was really, really loud, so she timed the farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, she started to feel better. She finished her pint and noticed that everybody was staring at her.

Then she suddenly remembered that she was listening to her iPod.

Jim_Flood
06-09-2009, 05:37 PM
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter............

"I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

Jim_Flood
07-09-2009, 06:00 AM
A bogan's definition of computer technology


LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A pub snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the yabby net.
INTERNET: Where you want the yabbies to go.
NETSCAPE: What the yabbies do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

Elliott Renzies
07-09-2009, 10:10 PM
A bogan's definition of computer technology


LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A pub snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the yabby net.
INTERNET: Where you want the yabbies to go.
NETSCAPE: What the yabbies do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

:clap: :clap: :clap: makes bloody sense too! :lol:

Capablanca-Fan
09-09-2009, 06:03 AM
a4lJ9vsZjMU

Kevin Bonham
09-09-2009, 01:54 PM
Quite funny, but I took it as a pro-Godwin's Law piece rather than a send-up, just coming from a humorous angle.

If I'm right the footage is lifted from the movie "Downfall".

Jim_Flood
10-09-2009, 10:42 PM
there are puns

there are atrocious puns

then there is this....


kevin rudd is visiting a hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin race,

Aboon them a ye take yer place,

Painch, tripe or thairm,

As langs my airm."



kevin is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat an we can eat,

So let the Lord be thankit."



Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prime minister moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,

O the panic in thy breasty,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie,

Wi bickering brattle."



Now seriously troubled, kevin turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."


all those who enjoy an annual dose of 'taties, neeps and a nip to accompany the sheep stomach stuffed with oatmeal and the boiled basics that used to keep the sheep functional----you are already groaning.
to the rest that wouldn't poke a haggis off their plate with a long stick,you are probably right---but missing something memorable.

Kevin Bonham
10-09-2009, 10:48 PM
Luckily I recognised the third one from a parody, so I got it. :D

Garrett
07-10-2009, 11:26 AM
A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the
Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his
hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson:
Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

Capablanca-Fan
10-10-2009, 09:20 PM
Terror Levels

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are Collaborate" and "Surrender."

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

Zwischenzug
10-10-2009, 09:33 PM
Quite funny. Did you write this yourself Jono?

Basil
10-10-2009, 09:40 PM
Paying some HCDs to the author, wherever and whomever he is. Let's call it a lazy $40 HCDs.

that Caesar guy
10-10-2009, 09:42 PM
Terror Levels

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are Collaborate" and "Surrender."

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.
Now that is one of the funniest things I have ever read. Gold! :P :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Oepty
10-10-2009, 10:04 PM
Very funny. Thanks Jono

Jim_Flood
13-10-2009, 05:27 AM
1354

Should you board this vessel don't say you haven't been warned.

Jim_Flood
13-10-2009, 05:36 AM
We always hear “the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up; you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Nomadic tribes did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as AFL, drinking beer, or car racing.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

road runner
13-11-2009, 09:29 PM
"I want to get a nice gift, maybe a perfume or something. Tell me, what are girls putting behind their ears to attract men these days?"
"Their ankles."

Redmond Barry
14-11-2009, 12:32 AM
"I want to get a nice gift, maybe a perfume or something. Tell me, what are girls putting behind their ears to attract men these days?"
"Their ankles."

its lucky we have parentheses accompanying this thread title..........

your a bad man boris !

hopefully this is the benchmark for all future jokes .........

Bereaved
08-12-2009, 01:48 AM
A young man is asked a question by his parents when he is 10

"Do you want to be a Protestant like your dad or a Catholic like your mum?"

"I plan to go out into the world and make my choice later" replies the son

Some 10 years go past, and on a trip back to home from uni, his parents ask him the same question.

" Well, mum and dad, I have decided that I am going to be an atheist "

A moment later, his dad asks " But are you a Protestant-atheist, or a Catholic-atheist?"


Take care and God Bless, Macavity

Ian Murray
12-12-2009, 07:08 PM
A survey of 5000 US women asked: "Would you sleep with Tiger Woods?"

70% replied "Never again"

Trent Parker
13-12-2009, 07:16 AM
A young man fresh out of school gets a job at a local fish and chips shop. On the third day he comes home and says to his father:

"dad, I'm not going to work tomorrow"
"Why son? You just got this job"
"Well, dad. I got fired."
"Fired? after your third day? Why did you get fired son?"
"Oh I dont want to talk about it dad"
"You tell me right now why you got fired or I'm going to see the shop owner"
"No dad! I dont want to talk about it."

The next day the father marches down to the Fish and Chip shop to see the owner.....
"Mate, Why did you sack my son?"
"when I went out the back your son had the potato peeler up his backside!"
"Bullcrap! My son wouldn't do anything like that! show me the potato peeler!"
"I had to give him the sack as well!"

antichrist
13-12-2009, 08:14 PM
I worked in a cous' shop 45 years ago and we used peeling machines that looked like washing machines, the friction rubbed the skin off. I was surprised to see a shop doing them by hand a while back - I was trying to think of shoving that big machine up someone's backside before the punchline punched me

Ian Murray
14-12-2009, 01:31 PM
A young couple with a five year old daughter bought a new home with a vacant lot next door. Shortly after a building crew moved on to the vacant lot and began work on a new home, to the fascination of the five year old.

After a few days hanging over the fence and asking questions, the rough-diamond crew adopted her as a mascot. She joined them for smokoes and was delighted to perform the small jobs they gave her to let her feel involved. After her second week on the job, she even received her own pay packet on payday enclosing a couple of dollars.

She rushed inside to show her mother who, equally delighted, took her to their bank branch to open her first account. The bank teller heard the story of her enterprise and, beaming, asked whether she would be still on the payroll next week.

"Probably," the little girl replied. "It depends whether those arseholes at Bunnings deliver the f***ing gyprock."

road runner
18-12-2009, 10:17 AM
Bought a DVD of Tiger's favourite 18 holes for 25 bucks. Was disappointed to find out it was about golf.

Max Illingworth
20-12-2009, 03:56 PM
Woolworths Staff at the entrance: 'There are a lot of lemons at Woolies'.
:lol:

Ian Murray
20-12-2009, 09:28 PM
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward, and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit!"

Spiny Norman
15-01-2010, 07:12 AM
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere ...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Rincewind
15-01-2010, 07:16 AM
You and Jono must cut-n-paste from the same sites. ;)

Spiny Norman
15-01-2010, 07:17 AM
You and Jono must cut-n-paste from the same sites. ;)
Posted before? Drat! Feel free to delete then, Mr Mod!

Rincewind
15-01-2010, 07:32 AM
Posted before? Drat! Feel free to delete then, Mr Mod!

Hardly worth worrying about. The worrying thing is that I remember it.

Redmond Barry
15-01-2010, 10:02 AM
why did the chicken cross the road ? :hmm:

to get to the other side. ;)

Rincewind
15-01-2010, 02:49 PM
Q. Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

A. To get to the same side.

Adamski
15-01-2010, 04:44 PM
Q. Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

A. To get to the same side.LOL at the white text, in the light of the previous (rather unoriginal) post!

Redmond Barry
15-01-2010, 09:06 PM
LOL at the white text, in the light of the previous (rather unoriginal) post!

lookout people its the originality police on patrol......................;) ;)
im sorry officer adamski i was only doing the speed limit.

sometimes its not the joke itself but in what context it is written in. :doh: :doh: :doh:
because of course nobody has ever heard a "chicken crossing the road joke" before now have they ???? :wall: :wall: :wall:

if you happen to chance upon browsing the previous page you may have noticed rincewind comment that "the snail kings" joke has already been posted by jono a while back which is something i immediately noticed.

so as a tribute i thought it might be appropriate to post the first joke kids learn at primary school as a further reply in jest. :D :D :D

thankyou for your attention and believe me when i say.......... i will definately consult you for all future posts i intend to write so as to implement the rigorous creative standards you uphold in all your own posts on this messageboard.

love

t.p.l....................... :eh: :eh:

Adamski
20-01-2010, 09:55 PM
lookout people its the originality police on patrol......................;) ;)
im sorry officer adamski i was only doing the speed limit.

sometimes its not the joke itself but in what context it is written in. :doh: :doh: :doh:
because of course nobody has ever heard a "chicken crossing the road joke" before now have they ???? :wall: :wall: :wall:

if you happen to chance upon browsing the previous page you may have noticed rincewind comment that "the snail kings" joke has already been posted by jono a while back which is something i immediately noticed.

so as a tribute i thought it might be appropriate to post the first joke kids learn at primary school as a further reply in jest. :D :D :D

thankyou for your attention and believe me when i say.......... i will definately consult you for all future posts i intend to write so as to implement the rigorous creative standards you uphold in all your own posts on this messageboard.

love

t.p.l....................... :eh: :eh::P - especially at the last para!

AzureBlue
26-01-2010, 09:03 PM
Q. Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

A. To get to the same side.
:lol: Good one! Just had a lecture about Möbius strips a few weeks ago, and another one about Möbius Transformations.

JX3VmDgiFnY

Capablanca-Fan
09-02-2010, 11:43 AM
Next weekend’s Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.
Sunday morning sermon: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water’ Sunday evening sermon: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale it is a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again’, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir Practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -- prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Basil
16-02-2010, 10:22 AM
The Police DO care.

THE Queensland Police Service found a man's body in the Brisbane River.

The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The Brisbane Medical Examiner hasn't officially ruled on the cause of death but said the victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink g-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick and a Kevin 07 t-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Kevin 07 t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.

Kevin Bonham
16-02-2010, 12:03 PM
The police removed the Kevin 07 t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Yes, well, the Downers would have been embarrassed by that bit. :owned:

Capablanca-Fan
16-02-2010, 07:20 PM
Our carbon, which art in the heavens,
Damned be thy name,
Thy power be gone,
Emissions none,
On earth as it is in heaven,
Give us this day our daily rations,
And forgive us our emissions.
As we forgive those whose emissions are greater,
For their need is more,
His name is Al Gore,
For his is the kingdom, the power and the glory for ever and ever, Carbon.

road runner
16-02-2010, 08:17 PM
Our carbon, which art in the heavens,
Damned be thy name,
Thy power be gone,
Emissions none,
On earth as it is in heaven,
Give us this day our daily rations,
And forgive us our emissions.
As we forgive those whose emissions are greater,
For their need is more,
His name is Al Gore,
For his is the kingdom, the power and the glory for ever and ever, Carbon.
I suppose someone should kick up a stink about you not capitalising "Earth".

road runner
18-02-2010, 12:06 PM
What to do in a flight when you have an annoying passenger is sitting next to you:

1. Remove your laptop from the briefcase;

2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:

3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;

4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;

5. Access the Internet;

6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven:

7. Take a deep breath and open the site:

http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you.

Have a good trip.

Basil
18-02-2010, 12:21 PM
:d

Capablanca-Fan
18-02-2010, 01:29 PM
Hermeneutics in Everyday Life:

Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do
you do? That depends on how you exegete the stop sign.

A postmodernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with his car),
ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.

Similarly, a Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeoisie use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers on the east-west road.

A serious and educated Catholic believes that he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and their tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.

An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but he'll stop if the car in front of him does.

A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go.

A preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover that it can mean: 1) something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing; 2) a location where a train or bus lets off passengers.
The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car.

An orthodox Jew does one of two things:

Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Law.
Stop at the stop sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed.
Incidently, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: R[abbi] Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says:
Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says: "Be still, and know that I am God." R. Hezekiel says: When Jephthah returned from defeating the Ammonites, the Holy One, blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run out of the house and overtake his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the stop sign, and the donkey did not have time to come out. For this reason he saw his daughter first and lost her. Thus he was judged for his transgression at the stop sign. R. Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he was a baby, never spoke a word, though his parents tried to teach him by speaking and showing him the words on a scroll. One day his father was driving through town and did not stop at the sign. Young Hillel called out: "Stop, father!" In this way, he began reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it is written: "Out of the mouth of babes." R. ben Jacob says: Where did the stop sign come from? Out of the sky, for it is written: "Forever, O Lord, your word is fixed in the heavens." R. ben Nathan says: When were stop signs created? On the fourth day, for it is written: "let them serve as signs." R. Yeshuah says: ... [continues for three more pages]

A Pharisee does the same thing as an orthodox Jew, except that he waits 10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with 1000 watt searchlights and connects his horn so that it is activated whenever he touches the brake pedal.
A scholar from the Jesus Seminar concludes that the signs reading STOP could not have been made by Jesus himself. Being the progressive Jew that he was, Jesus would never have wanted to stifle people's progress. Therefore, STOP must be a semiotic insertion belonging to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.
A NT scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a completely hypothetical street called "Q". There is an excellent 300 page discussion of speculations on the origin of these stop signs and the differences between the stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunately omission in the commentary, however; the author apparently forgot to explain what the text means.

An OT scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP". For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and 5 line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. [Only in a sans-serif font, I realized later.] He concludes that the author for the second part is different from the author for the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later.
Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P".
Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the stop sign were not there.

Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar emends the text, changing "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area.

A "prophetic" preacher notices that the square root of the sum of the numeric representations of the letters S-T-O-P (sigma-tau-omicron-pi in the Greek alphabet), multiplied by 40 (the number of testing), and divided by four (the number of the world - north, south, east, and west), equals 666. Therefore, he concludes that stop signs are the dreaded Mark of the Beast, a harbinger of divine judgment upon the world, and must be avoided at all costs.

A "Word of Faith" preacher reads the sign and explains that we are redeemed from the curse of the law; therefore we are not bound from such negative laws. He further expounds that to repeat the word printed on the sign is to make a bad confession. Gives advice that it is best to interpret the sign as a "GO". (Does so and is unfortunately hit by the Mac truck of reality coming in the opposite direction.)

Adamski
18-02-2010, 02:20 PM
The last 2 paragraphs are the best ones!

Garrett
18-02-2010, 03:13 PM
The last 2 paragraphs are the best ones!

I psml at the OT passages, but most of it is good !

thanks Jono !

road runner
20-02-2010, 08:28 AM
A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge. She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water, when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge crying.

He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll Keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to lose?" Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain ."What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."

''He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry. "

Basil
24-02-2010, 03:59 PM
How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started....


******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend.."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day..
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband *is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
*
******************************************
*
I rear-ended a car this morning. *
*
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*
*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...


******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept *staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started....


******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Capablanca-Fan
24-02-2010, 07:14 PM
A blonde just won a gold medal in the Winter Olympics. She was so proud of her medal that she wanted to preserve it for future generations. So she had it bronzed.

road runner
13-03-2010, 07:00 AM
If God hadn't wanted us to eat pigs, he wouldn't have made them out of bacon.