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Alan Shore
16-02-2005, 04:41 AM
It's a little silly but entertaining nonetheless.

Antichrist the Professor in his classroom teaching:

"Let me explain the problem science has with Jesus Christ." Antichrist, the atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students Freddy to stand, "You're a Christian, aren't you, son?"

"Yes, sir."
"So you believe in God?"
"Absolutely."
"Is God good?"
"Sure! God's good."
"Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?"
"Yes."
"Are you good or evil?"
"The Bible says I'm evil."

The professor grins knowingly. "Ahh! THE BIBLE!" He considers for a moment. "Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help them? Would you try?"

"Yes sir, I would."
"So you're good!"
"I wouldn't say that."
"Why not say that? You would help a sick and maimed person if you could. In fact most of us would if we could. God doesn't."
No answer.

"He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?"
No answer. The elderly man is sympathetic. "No, you can't, can you?"

He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax. In philosophy, you have to go easy with the new ones. "Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?"

"Er...Yes."
"Is Satan good?"
"No."
"Where does Satan come from?"
The student falters, "From... God..."
"That's right. God made Satan, didn't he?"

The elderly man runs his bony fingers through his thinning hair and turns to the smirking, student audience. "I think we're going to have a lot of fun this semester, ladies and gentlemen."
He turns back to Freddy.

"Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?"
"Yes, sir."
"Evil's everywhere, isn't it? Did God make everything?"
"Yes."
"Who created evil?
No answer.

"Is there sickness in this world? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness. All the terrible things. Do they exist in this world?"
The student squirms on his feet.

"Yes."
"Who created them?"
No answer.
The professor suddenly shouts at his student. "WHO CREATED THEM? TELL ME, PLEASE!"
The professor closes in for the kill and climbs into Freddy's face. In a still small voice:
"God created all evil, didn't He, son?"
No answer.

The student tries to hold the steady, experienced gaze and fails. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace the front of the classroom like an aging panther. The class is mesmerized.

"Tell me," he continues, "how is it that this God is good if He created all evil throughout all time?" The professor swishes his arms around to encompass the wickedness of the world. "All the hatred, the brutality, all the pain, all the torture, all the death and ugliness and all the suffering created by this good God is all over the world, isn't it, young man?"
No answer.

"Don't you see it all over the place? Huh?"
Pause.
"Don't you?"
The professor leans into Freddy's face again and whispers, "Is God good?"
No answer.

"Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?"
Freddy's voice betrays him and cracks, "Yes, professor. I do."
The old man shakes his head sadly, "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?"

"No, sir. I've never seen Him."
"Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?"
"No, sir. I have not."
"Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus, or smelt your Jesus? In fact, do you have any sensory perception of your God whatsoever?
No answer.

"Answer me, please."
"No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't."
"You're AFRAID you haven't?"
"No, sir."
"Yet you still believe in him?"
"...yes..."
"That takes FAITH!"

The professor smiles sagely at the underling, "According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son? Where is your God now?"
The student doesn't answer.
"Sit down, please." Freddy sits...Defeated.

Another Christian, Frosty, raises his hand, "Professor, may I address the class?" The professor turns and smiles, "Ah, another Christian in the vanguard! Come, come, young Frosty. Speak some proper wisdom to the gathering." Frosty looks around the room, "Some interesting points you are making, sir. Now I've got a question for you. Is there such thing as heat?"

"Yes," the professor replies.
"There's heat." "Is there such a thing as cold?"
"Yes, Frosty, there's cold too."
"No, sir, there isn't."

The professor's grin freezes. The room suddenly goes very cold. Frosty continues,
"You can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega-heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat but we don't have anything called 'cold.' We can hit 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold, otherwise we would be able to go colder than 458. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it."

Silence. A pin drops somewhere in the classroom.
"Is there such a thing as darkness, professor?"
"That's a dumb question, son. What is night if it isn't darkness? What are you getting at...?"
"So you say there is such a thing as darkness?"
"Yes..."

"You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something, it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, Darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker and give me a jar of it. Can you give me a jar of darker darkness, professor?"

Despite himself, the professor smiles at the young effrontery before him. This will indeed be a good semester.
"Would you mind telling us what your point is, Frosty?"

"Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with and so your conclusion must be in error."
The professor goes toxic, "Flawed? How dare you!"
"Sir, may I explain what I mean?"
The class is all ears.
"Explain... Oh, explain..."

The professor makes an admirable effort to regain control. Suddenly he is affability itself. He waves his hand to silence the class, for the student to continue.

"You are working on the premise of duality," Frosty explains. "That for example there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science cannot even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism but has never seen, much less fully understood them. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, merely the absence of it."

Frosty holds up a newspaper she takes from the desk of a neighbor who has been reading it. "Here is one of the most disgusting tabloids this country hosts, professor. Is there such a thing as immorality?"
"Of course there is, now look..."

"Wrong again, sir. You see, immorality is merely the absence of morality. Is there such thing as injustice? No. Injustice is the absence of justice. Is there such a thing as evil?" Frosty pauses, "Isn't evil the absence of good?"

The professor's face has turned an alarming color. He is so angry he is temporarily speechless. Frosty continues, "If there is evil in the world, professor, and we all agree there is, then God, if He exists, must be accomplishing a work through the agency of evil. What is that work, God is accomplishing? The Bible tells us it is to see if each one of us will, of our own free will, choose good over evil."

The professor bridles, "As a philosophical scientist, I don't view this matter as having anything to do with any choice; as a realist, I absolutely do not recognize the concept of God or any other theological factor as being part of the world equation because God is not observable."

"I would have thought that the absence of God's moral code in this world is probably one of the most observable phenomena going," the Christian replies. "Newspapers make billions of dollars reporting it every week! Tell me, professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?"
"If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, Frosty, yes, of course I do."

"Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?"
The professor makes a sucking sound with his teeth and gives his student a silent, stony stare.

"Professor. Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an ongoing endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a priest?"
"I'll overlook your impudence in the light of our philosophical discussion. Now, have you quite finished?" the professor hisses.

"So you don't accept God's moral code to do what is righteous?"
"I believe in what is. That's science!"
"Ahh! SCIENCE!" Frosty's face splits into a grin. "Sir, you rightly state that science is the study of observed phenomena. Science too is a premise which is flawed."

"SCIENCE IS FLAWED?" the professor splutters. The class is in uproar. Frosty remains standing until the commotion has subsided. "To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, may I give you an example of what I mean?" The professor wisely keeps silent. The Christian looks around the room, "Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?"

The class breaks out in laughter. Frosty points towards his elderly, crumbling tutor, "Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain?" No one appears to have done so.

Frosty shakes his head sadly, "It appears no one here has had any sensory perception of the professor's brain whatsoever. Well, according to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science, says the professor has no brain."

The class is in chaos. Frosty sits, because that is what a chair is for.

Rincewind
16-02-2005, 06:51 AM
That's more than a little silly. Where did you get it from? Sounds a little like creationist propoganda.

arosar
16-02-2005, 08:52 AM
That's more than a little silly. Where did you get it from? Sounds a little like creationist propoganda.

Silly but funny.

A bit like that rumour in China see. Some d.ickhead starts this rumour that if you display a picture of Mao - his spirit would grant you good health and wealth and, if you're lucky, a son! There you have it: an atheist amongst the Gods!

How's it going youse blokes anyways?

AR

ursogr8
16-02-2005, 09:20 AM
How's it going youse blokes anyways?

AR

Amiel

I take it you mean the score?

At the moment I have it as BJC 15, Frosty 5, Scott 5, BD 5, A/C 2........and various parties are considering alliances. :P

starter

firegoat7
16-02-2005, 09:23 AM
Enjoyable. :clap:

Oepty
16-02-2005, 12:02 PM
I don't really think this is that funny at all, maybe slightly. Perhaps it was because I was cast in a role that answered many of the questions quite a bit differently than what I would really have. I would not even answer the first question with a straight yes.

Bruce what does Isaiah 45:7 say in the KJV?

Scott

arosar
16-02-2005, 12:51 PM
Hey listen, it's amusing OK. Do't be such a stone-cold boring friggin' Christian. It's people like you who give Christianity a bad name.

AR

Rhubarb
16-02-2005, 12:56 PM
I don't really think this is that funny at all, maybe slightly. Perhaps it was because I was cast in a role that answered many of the questions quite a bit differently than what I would really have.Spare a thought for Frosty who due to a pronoun mishap malfunction was also cast in a somewhat unexpected role: "Frosty holds up a newspaper she takes from the desk of a neighbor."

Rincewind
16-02-2005, 01:02 PM
Hey listen, it's amusing OK. Do't be such a stone-cold boring friggin' Christian. It's people like you who give Christianity a bad name.

Why denigrate someone for being honest? He didn't find it funny which is hardly surprising as I don't believe its primary purpose was comedic. The remapping of various students to BB personae was an interesting twist but I don't think the mapping of beliefs of the students in the original story to those of the BB was close enough for it to be that amusing.

As a point of interest a parts of that story are part of a known urban legend. According to the legend, the student that gave the prof his comeuppance was none other than a young Albert Einstien. The urban legend is classified as false according to this site...

http://www.snopes.com/religion/einstein.asp

Oepty
16-02-2005, 01:49 PM
Spare a thought for Frosty who due to a pronoun mishap malfunction was also cast in a somewhat unexpected role: "Frosty holds up a newspaper she takes from the desk of a neighbor."

I did notice this little slip. This reminds me I probably I should tell Bill about the chess player who is desginated as a female in the SP master files even though he most certainly is not.
Scott

Alan Shore
16-02-2005, 02:04 PM
He didn't find it funny which is hardly surprising as I don't believe its primary purpose was comedic.

Then you'd be wrong.


I take it you mean the score?

At the moment I have it as BJC 15, Frosty 5, Scott 5, BD 5, A/C 2........and various parties are considering alliances.

What on earth are you on about now starty?


Spare a thought for Frosty who due to a pronoun mishap malfunction was also cast in a somewhat unexpected role: "Frosty holds up a newspaper she takes from the desk of a neighbor."

I can explain that one.. the one in Frosty's place was actually originally a girl and when I was manually replacing, one gender-specific pronoun must have slipped under the proof-reading net.

JGB
16-02-2005, 02:26 PM
Have we thought about building a group of threads dedicated to God, Jesus, and bible readings, etc etc and keeping it in one place. Someone began a poll about Starter and his use of figures and metrics, but is there really any difference in one persons thread drift towards numbers and statistics and another towards religious beliefs? I just get the feeling that this is becoming less of a chess chat forum and more of sunday school worship... which is of course fine if it was placed under one sub folder "Bible Studies" or whatever and not throughout non-chess and wider. As for this particular thread, I will leave the debate to you guys :whistle:

Rincewind
16-02-2005, 02:26 PM
Then you'd be wrong.

Sorry for the confusion. I was referring to the author's motives, not the poster's.

antichrist
16-02-2005, 02:55 PM
The later parts of Post 1 reminds me of the public belittling of academics during the Great Proletariat Cultural Revolution. I agree it appears to come from a Creationist website. A shame it stops half way.

arosar
16-02-2005, 04:04 PM
The later parts of Post 1 reminds me of the public belittling of academics during the Great Proletariat Cultural Revolution.

Very good! Yes, I wrote a paper about that.

AR

Rhubarb
16-02-2005, 08:33 PM
I can explain that one.. the one in Frosty's place was actually originally a girl and when I was manually replacing, one gender-specific pronoun must have slipped under the proof-reading net. I'd never in my wildest dreams have guessed.

antichrist
16-02-2005, 08:43 PM
I can explain that one.. the one in Frosty's place was actually originally a girl and when I was manually replacing, one gender-specific pronoun must have slipped under the proof-reading net.

That means you should have a spare pen.s in your back pocket. You sound a bit like Whacko Jacko.

Rhubarb
16-02-2005, 10:49 PM
I'd never in my wildest dreams have guessed.


Last edited by JGB : 16-02-2005 at 09:56 PM. Reason: foul langauge

Well I never. I've been yellow-carded by JGB for using the s-h-(giggle)-t word. Not only that, but it's been described as foul despite being in a set expression. Starter, please educate me as to the appropriate usage in modern parlance - by PM of course. We must keep close tabs on such unseemly language.

JGB
16-02-2005, 10:58 PM
Well I never. I've been yellow-carded by JGB for using the s-h-(giggle)-t word. Not only that, but it's been described as foul despite being in a set expression. Starter, please educate me as to the appropriate usage in modern parlance - by PM of course. We must keep close tabs on such unseemly language.


If that is accpetable langauge in an open forum then it will be replaced. I removed the word without much thought. Do you feel offended, I doubt it? If, as a mod I am not meant to be cutting that out, then I should just give up my pos. now as I will never be able to draw the line between what is acceptable and what is not.

Rhubarb
16-02-2005, 11:03 PM
You are doing a sterling job, James, and I'm sorry I made your job harder.

Best regards,
Greg

antichrist
17-02-2005, 04:18 AM
Very good! Yes, I wrote a paper about that.

AR

I visted China while the Gang of Four were on trial. Their mob blew up the Beijing railway station when we were in the area, killing many. This was the first time that people could speak freely and all they wanted to talk about day and night was the G of 4 and the GPCR. I still have a friend from that era who was tortured -- he was the only guy to take photos of the revolt surrounding celebrating Zhao En Lai's funeral. The cops chased him for 6 hours across Beijing, his photos are now in the National Gallery. As a guy who has also had the cops chase me many times for political activities I knew exactly how he felt and we instantly got on very well, cracking jokes.

I had arrived in China via Indonesia and boy what a difference. In the backblocks of Indo, in the middle of the night thousands of homeless people were sleeping in the main streets, whereas in China everyone had houses, clean clothes, food and a job. But in south west China where they suffered "The Great Leap Forward" and drought the people appeared too thin but I could have been mistaken.

Spiny Norman
02-03-2005, 07:49 PM
Just discovered this thread whilst I was looking for something else. Must've missed it originally.

BD: I'd seen the "story" before. Yes, I found it amusing to read. I doubt it has any basis in reality (i.e. I would doubt the Einstein story too, that would be far too convenient to be true).

Spiny Norman
02-03-2005, 07:50 PM
A painter received a contract to paint a church, upon reaching the job he
walked along each of the long sides and the front and back and thought to
himself. "Big church ...hmmm...they can afford it. I'll water down the
paint!"

To get the job done quickly, he used his big six inch brush and by
the end of the day he was congratulating himself on a job well done...

He was still patting himself on the back when a fierce thunderstorm struck
with lightning flashing everywhere and thunder almost deafening and rain
falling with the force of a cyclone.

After the storm had subsided there was hardly a trace of his paint left on
the church. The painter stood there, face drained and with palms upraised
and said with anguish "God, what will I do NOW?"

A big voice boomed out from the heavens:

"Repaint, Repaint and thin no more!"

Spiny Norman
02-03-2005, 07:51 PM
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at their keyboards and typed away. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails and attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

Ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped and the rain poured. Of course the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known to the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically and cried out, "It's gone! It's all gone! I've lost everything I was working on when the power went off!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quitely starting printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged his shoulders and said, "Jesus Saves."

Spiny Norman
02-03-2005, 07:53 PM
Why God never receives tenure at any university:

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referee journal.
5. Some doubt that He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His co-operative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, he just told students to read his Book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there are only ten requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top

Spiny Norman
02-03-2005, 07:56 PM
The following is reportedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs oftheir beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave - therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell since Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "... that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" - and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, 2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

Spiny Norman
02-03-2005, 08:00 PM
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever
he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except
in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.

"Where's Christian?", he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your
old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way, man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."






(scroll down)....................







(wait for it......)







.... I'm a prawn again Christian